Daily Archives: January 12, 2015

First Day of Class

So today I start my spring 2015 term.  It’s pouring down rain outside, just like it usually does in a Mississippi January.  Not sure what I’m going to wear now with the weather like this.  But I will figure something out.

I teach this semester at 8 and 9:30 a.m. I’ve found the earlier in the morning the class is, the more motivated the students are.  They’re not necessarily awake, but they are motivated to work an do well.  I have low class enrollment in my 8 a.m. class, and I hope it stays that way.  I’d like to try teaching a smaller group and see if I can do things differently.

I’m still a little on the manic side,.  My children and I were having a silly discussion last night, and one said something that tickled me so hard that I started laughing and couldn’t stop.  We were discussing the physics of a thrown plastic glass of water, whether the water would leave the glass and hit the person first, etc.  I asked my daughter if she had any ‘experiential” knowledge of this, or was it purely theoretical?  She gave me the funniest look and I got tickled.  I laughed until I cried. For me, that’s a sign of mania.  So we will see what happens this morning.


every day is like monday bloody monday

Oh here we sodding well go again, from sad agitation all the way

down

down

down.

You know this, right? You wake feeling as if your heart was made of lead and you get up only because you have to.

Tears, but not healing ones. And just when you think your heart cannot possibly break any more, it shatters and dry ice fills the space it leaves.

Blah blah blah mawkish quasi prose poem. Fuck. Here is a cheerful song: Joy Division – Disorder

Drive to the city like a zombie (if zombies drove), the sun is too hot, too bright. My sweat still smells oddly sweet. Birds … yellow flowers on whichever acacia gets yellow flowers … hot, hot, hot and the city even hotter. 34 degrees C and plenty of humidity (before the day really got hot).

They’re putting out displays of easter eggs at the supermarket. It’s January.

Air con at the psychiatrist’s rooms and a big glass of water (so big that I suspect it might be American). I was early, I’m always early. It’s a combination of good childhood training and dollops of my very own anxiety. I didn’t recognise two roads on the way, that usually happens rarely. I’m rather fond of transit lounges and waiting rooms, they feel like time out of life and the world.

I feel so absolutely fragile.

image

(Stephen King – The Stand)

Logged out of fb again this morning; I mostly just keep fb messenger on anyway. Every damn time my damn heart breaks (with arhythmic frequency).

Last night I dreamed I pulled a few of my teeth out. There was no pain, they were ready to come out.

One of the receptionists laaaaaughed and said, Oh my gosh what we’ve got to deal with here and then she laugh laugh laaaaughed some more. They are typical of their type (in this country anyway), they are sweet and call everyone sweetie. They panic a little about payment and they sound desolate of they have to tell you there’s no appointment whenever you want one. They were so pleased to see you back, said the psychiatrist a while back, but they never have a clue who I am. Mind you, neither do I.

I’m not bitching, it doesn’t bother me (there are four psychiatrists and it’s always fully booked here). I’m just writing, writing, writing to keep the thought-wolves from the proverbial door.

Please fill in this form, we need to update your details for this year. Name, address, phone number, yes I have those. Next of kin – none. My nextofkin is on another continent.

The sky is relentlessly bright blue. I’m fraying at the edges.

In case you wondered …

image

Ooooh *insert my name here* I’m sorry I’m late, I’m just swallowing some chicken.

I fold myself over, head as down as I can get it without looking completely stupid. Hungry … don’t think I’ll be in any state to go anywhere except home afterwards.

Turns out there was a major crisis and then everything ran late; she still gave me more time than I paid for though. She’s immensely kind. It should have just been 15mins, so I unburdened fast, but she slowed me down. She said

The zopivane might be causing you anxiety, can we try you on phenergan instead?
We will increase your lamotrigine next week.
I want to start you on concerta for the ADHD, but not just yet.

Well she said a lot more than that, but those were the salient points.

After that I went to swallow some chicken too (although I had time to chew it as well) and drove home. Shorts and tshirt, sit by a fan, stuff those sodding, sodden, futile tears back into the abyss in my gut.

Blah blah fucken blah hey.

The Shred of a Shed

In Wales a few years back, looking up old companions...

In Wales a few years back, looking up old companions

 “People bother me. I come here to hide from them.” – George Bernard Shaw

I have the beginning of a writer’s shed. Not a rotating summerhouse on a stick, like GBS. Nor even the DIY bits ‘n bats of lumber from B & Q, or Ikea.

For Christmas, our friends Sue and Mark gave us a present, shown at the bottom of this post. Little could they realise that they had sent the core around which to construct a dream: a writing shed.

The Guardian article linked to above is great, but does leave out two important details:

1. As already hinted at, GBS’ shed rotated, following the course of the sun over his garden, so that Shaw could make full use of natural daylight. Smart.

2. Shaw’s shed had a sign which read “London”, thus enabling Charlotte to tell unwanted and /or ill-timed visitors that her husband had “gone to London”.

My first project for my shed is to buy or better still make a sign which reads “Town”. Sure, I could ask my husband to tell people that I’m not around because I’m travelling through time, and space. However, our friends are creative, not high on strange plant life, or gullibility.

The Doctor is "in". Owl Bag is out.

The Doctor is “in”. Owl Bag is out.

Currently, my shed masquerades mainly as an alcove. Sometimes, it takes the form of a table. Including a fold down one in the garden  during the warmer months, when the weather gods aren’t busy greening GreenandPleasantland.

With a writing shed, I could enjoy the garden, free from any concerns about getting my notebook, or laptop, wet. Rain also has a bad habit of diluting one’s tea, and making one’s biscuits soggy.

Tea and biscuits are, of course, an essential part of a writer’s life. This is why the shed will need at least two power points: one for charging my computer, and the second for the kettle. I will also require a tin, for keeping the biscuits fresh.

Unlike Shaw, who was bothered by fans, I am untroubled in that department. I do possess one fan letter. There is probably also a short list of people who wouldn’t mind slapping me, but either can’t be bothered, or are too polite to do so.

I don’t think that counts as a following.

A Christmas gift, 2015: thanks, guys!

Christmas gift, 2015: thanks, guys!