Daily Archives: January 7, 2015

Cyclothymic Eclipse

With cyclothymic bipolar, the only consistent is inconsistency. It truly takes a momentous event, like an eclipse, for a cyclothymic to experience a “good day”. The stars, sun, and mood must all align perfectly.

Today was that day for me. I’m not saying I am mirthfullly bouncing off walls or I won the lottery…But the mood help most of the day and even as evening beckons…My mood has not crashed. Impressive, amazing, mind boggling…More than welcome.
I want some more of this.

I saw the shrink. He was pleasant and willing to work with me by raising the anti depressant. He’s still stuck on the anxiety being the cause of the inability to focus but he says in a month or so if it’s still so bad, he will consider giving me another anti anxiety agent to take *as needed*.
I can live with that.
They didn’t weigh me for once, that was wonderful.

Now being at the shop three hours banging my head against a wall over a laptop with a lost password…Not so wonderful. I brought it home with me and spent two more hours messing with it…And I nearly did the cha cha and the tango because dammit, I kicked its ass. I feel like I actually accomplished something.

I also did something this week to tempt the fates of catastrophe. I let the dishes pile up for THREE days. Ya know what? The world did not end, babies were not incinerated in a flaming ball of fire from the sun. The vacuum nazis (clean freaks) of the world should be aware of this. Nothing bad happened. I did them all up today and got a further sense of accomplishment.

My kid has been fairly tolerable the last two days.

So what if, it’s been so cold out even the eskimos on vacation here ran back to Alaska…

Today was my cyclothymic eclipse. May not happen for another hundred years. Sucks, because when you get a taste of “not feeling shitty”, you’d like some more.
Unfortunately, it does not work that way.
Today was a win.
I’ll take it.


WordPress Reader Lists

LISTS - Create a title for your list...art, bipolar disorder, mental health, photography, poetry, writing

Wow! I guess it’s been awhile since I followed blogs using the WordPress Reader. Instead, I let my inbox overflow with email notifications of a subset of blogs I follow because I couldn’t figure out how to sort through them all. Now it turns out, they have Reader Lists! Brilliant. Now I just have to populate my lists and turn off my email notifications… which, of course, will take time and energy and probably take me even further down the rabbit hole. Quoted from Reader Lists — Support — WordPress.com:

Reader Lists

Reader Lists allow you to create and follow lists of blogs and topics inside your WordPress.com Reader. It’s a handy way to bundle groups of blogs into topics you love. You can browse your lists for your own reading pleasure, or share them with the world for others to discover. Please note that all lists are public by default.

Reader Lists can be found in the sidebar of your Reader:

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To create a list, type the name of a list and hit the plus button:

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Now you are editing your list. You can add an optional list description and then add items to your list. Those items can be topics:

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You can also add individual blogs to your list by entering a URL (any site with an RSS feed will work):

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Once you’ve finished your list, it will show you in your sidebar:

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You can click on it to view the most recent content in the list. When viewing a list, you can also copy its URL and share it with the world – it’ll allow anyone to view and enjoy your list:

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If you are looking at somebody else’s list and you like it, you can click “follow” next to the list’s title to add it to your own reader:

via Reader Lists — Support — WordPress.com.


Filed under: Writing Tagged: email notifications, Reader Lists, WordPress, WordPress Reader, WordPress Reader Lists

Sisterhood of the World Domination

I mean nomination.

I don’t usually do the blog award thingies (because I’m horrible), but (but when I do …) I did this one because cool questions about books.

The rules:
Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site
Thanks lots a house of books!
Put the award logo on your blog
Noooo I don’t like it … *googles award* phew there are more; *eminem voice* heeeeere you go:

image

Answer the ten questions they’ve set you
Will do.
Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer
Alrighty.
Nominate ten people
No pressure: CC/Alex, Synapse, Dyane, Kitt, kbailey, roughghosts, piecesofbipolar, ashkaay, entropy, gentlekindness. (Plus/or anyone who feels like answering the questions.)

Questions! Answers!
1. Did you make any New Year Resolutions, and if so what were they?
Nope. I can’t even remember whether I ever have or not. Maybe back when Santa was real.
2. If you could only read one book in 2015, what would it be?
Lord of the Rings
3. What book do you hate, that everyone else seems to like?
Eat, Pray, Love (but hate is a strong word and applies only to books like The Protocols of Zion etc).
4. What is the one genre of book you least like?
Self help.
5. If you could go anywhere in the world with one book, where would y.ou go and what book would you take with you?
Tahiti. Lord of the Rings.
6. Where is your favourite place to read?
Bed. My own bed.
7. What is the one book you have never read, but really feel you should?
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time
8. Where do you get your books from – your local bookshop, online, charity shop, library?
Dodgy websites, second hand bookshops, good friends.
9. If you had to have a week without books, what would you fill that time with?
Complaining about the lack of books.
10. What book are you reading right now?
The Extraordinary Journey of the Fakir who got Trapped in an Ikea Wardrobe – Romain Puértolas

Questions!
1. What is the book you’d most like everyone on the planet to read?
2. Are you writing a novel/your autobiography?
3. If you had to burn one book, which book would you burn?
4. Paperbacks! When you’re not reading, do you mark your place with a bookmark, leave it somewhere face down, or what?
5. Who’s your favourite author?
6. What language do you prefer to read books in?
7. Who’s your favourite poet?
8. Do you write poetry?
9. Does it rhyme or not?
10. Why do you write poetry?

If you don’t write poetry:

9. Do you lend people books?
10. When were you last in a library?

Kthxbye.

Cyber Beach Backdrops

Reply to the WordPress Daily Prompt Jan.7, 2015

Oasis

A sanctuary is a place you can escape to, to catch your breath and remember who you are. Write about the place you go to when everything is a bit too much.

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I awakened this morning to the routine darkness of this time of year, irritated that I had to get out of bed earlier than the daylight decided to. I stepped outside to the usual grey skies, today blurred by a thick layer of fog that pulled the gloom even closer to the earth (in case I needed a reminder that it was there). I gathered the firewood that provides my only true sense of emotional warmth in this cold, small town I live in.

I’m sitting here watching the flickering flames, comforted by their earthy smell of combustion, and mesmerized by their calming performance, as they dance while draped in colors of heat. I suppose my love of fire comes from our shared dichotomy – possessing the power to draw others in with our hypnotizing uniqueness and warmth, while at the same time possessing the equal power of destruction, should they forget our boundaries and stand too close.

With the visible flames of orange and yellow gracefully fluttering in the background, my attention is now turned to the contrasting blues and greens of the computer-beach in front of me – teasing me as the inspirational backdrop to my 27-inch screen. I remember the days of non-cyber beaches – staring out at the soothing beauty of cool-toned colors, while the sun hugged me with its warmth from behind.  Toes being separated by the sand and water as I slowly sunk into the softened earth. Being tickled by underground critters, as they scurried out of their hidden sanctuaries that I was now crushing.  Having a front-row seat to the orchestrated music of this comforting yet equally powerful monster that I reclined on, as it hummed me to sleep with its heartbeat of passing waves.

With my inner reserves long ago used up, I find myself longing for that thrice-yearly oasis I was blessed to have experienced in my youth. Now I am left with only the memories of the contagiously cheerful greetings from the people who lived in the paradise I was so happy to visit. Today I see only bitter weather, matched by equally bitter and weathered residents, who would rather look the other way from visitors who don’t fit their narrow-minded mentality of believing grey is the actual color of the sky.

Today my sanctuary has become a destructive pattern of escape routes, in desperate search of the hidden path of peace and quiet, among the congested traffic in my mind. My oasis has now become a cyber-beach backdrop, as I spend my cyber-money on my cyber-imitations of the real thing. Today, as my stress-receptors misfire at the slightest aggravation, the only fix is a quick one, as I swallow down my pseudo-paradise. And while I’m waiting for its chemicals to take effect, I stare longingly at that computer-beach, wishing for one more deep breath of its calming organic breeze.

Down the Rabbit Hole

The Rabbit

So here I am, taking the WordPress Blogging 101: Zero to Hero course and spending my time tweaking my blog’s design, which can take me down the rabbit hole.

“down the rabbit hole”, a metaphor for an entry into the unknown, the disorientating or the mentally deranging, from its use in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
~ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabbit_hole

Yes, I can get obsessed with design, with colors, images, widgets and such. Design work can trigger hypomanic symptoms, and what goes up must come down. I grab onto a problem, try innumerable iterations, and finally find a solution which pleases my aesthetic sensibilities.

Hopefully I will actually produce some meaningful content and not just change the functionality and look of my blog, though I do want to improve it and learn the ins and outs of using WordPress.

 


Filed under: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Hypomania, Mental Health, Triggers to Mood Cycling, Writing Tagged: #Blogging101, blog design, Blogging 101, down the rabbit hole, obsessive behavior, rabbit hole, WordPress

Made It Through Night 2

I don’t know that this would have been as easy as it has been if we were in our house and I was alone. This has been pretty good though. I haven’t had a ton of anger or sadness about hubby being away and I’ve been able to sleep. All things that have been hard on me in the past. I don’t know maybe it is the meds working too. I seem to be on a more even keel.

I see my therapist tomorrow about a mood stabilizer which should also help with the mood stability.

I am thrilled hubby is coming home tonight. It won’t be until late but at least he will be curled up beside me when I am in bed.

I’ve been talking to my BFF about ADHD and wanting to work in the future. I really can only work from home currently but anything to help bring in the money again will be good. I hope I can avoid the phone sex but I think that I would do about anything if I could focus on it for more than 5-15 mins. I’ll talk to my therapist about it all though.

Really looking forward to tomorrow and maybe getting something else straightened out with my bipolarity.


Go Ahead Writer

Originally posted on wendykwilliamson:
                                                          Dear Writer, “Happiness for me, or I suspect any writer, is plenty of paper and plenty of pens. Isn’t that such a simple concept? Yet, for a writer, anyone who measures their calling as a…

Uppish

School was canceled today due to windchill factor. She’s on her Leap Pad (it’s funny how she keeps telling people she got an ipad, I would NEVER own an Apple product, ever, even if it were free.) I have a shrink appt at 11:15. Which has lead to nerves. I hate appointments, and I especially detest doctors. They are supposed to help us. Ha. I watched a show recently (Nurse Jackie, I think) and something to the extent was said that doctors fix things, it’s the nurses who care to heal them.
Need I say more?
Besides, it took NINE days for my mom’s doctor to finally tell her, hey, it’s not cancer after all. NINE fucking days. Doctors make the Marquis de Sade seem kindly from a psychological point of view.

So yeah, I get to go see the shrink today. Fortunately, I can report that while far from cured, I am managing and compared to this time last year, I am positively high functioning. Which explains why I am still in my pajamas. No, I am not leaping up with enthusiasm for the day ahead, but at the same time…I’m not hiding under the cover.
Of course, the shrink will see this period of time as “she’s cured”, I don’t know why but they always do that shit. That was why I switched from my former Dr. V (about a month after she declared “I am so happy you are doing so good, it makes my day to see you well!”, I started circling the toilet and couldn’t bear to tell her lest she be disappointed in me.) At least Dr. S seems fairly apathetic so less pressure on me.
And honestly, aside from high anxiety and the usual ebb and flow of cyclothymia, I am in decent shape. Well,for me, during winter. I still find being around other people like nails on a chalkboard and only want to be left alone. But there’s no real crippling depression telling me life is futile, you suck, you should drink bleach.
That is progress, and it was done without his “You won’t get better until you take (insert side effect laden anti-psychotic-relabeled-for-bipolar drug).”
Side effects are the deal breaker for me, and Abilify, Risperdal, and Seroquel all made me pray for death. So pardon me if I decline that option, you may view it as lack of cooperation and me not wanting to get well.
Except…
Wait a minute, I am doing well, and it happened by me speaking up and telling him what I wanted to try. Not by cowtowing to his degree because I’ve been ill longer than he’s been alive.I know fuck all but I know ME.

That’s where I suppose I differ from a large percentage of mentally ill people. I do my research, I track the progress the meds I’ve taken, I catalog side effects…And I have no qualm speaking up and TELLING the doctor what I want to try. It’s kind of like a job, you do it 20 years, you’re not going to let some guy who’s done it a month tell you that you’re doing it wrong.
Doctors are no different than the guy who fixes your car or the cashier who hands you the cigarettes you want. YOU tell them what you want. They can counter with their own thoughts but ultimately…
You have the right to speak your mind, have your own say, and you do not have to feel bad about it.

That being said, let’s hope I can maintain this uppish frame of mind for more than an hour. Because after the shrink rap, I am supposed to go into the shop and restore a computer password for some impatient customer and if my mood crashes…
Well, she may get her computer back with the new password DIEINAFIRE666.
Moods are so precarious I am reluctant to even declare either way. Cyclothymia means it could change in 2.0 seconds.


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Fatigue is Pain (And I Mind)

I decided at some point last year that this would be the year I would try to get my physical health sorted. And I don’t mean that in a resolution, diet-and-exercise sort of way. I’ll spare y’all my thoughts on resolutions, because they’re not nice in the way some people feel about Valentine’s Day versus the rest of the year. Improvement is a year-round sort of thing, but I knew that between baby and moving and postpartum, I’d not be in any sort of mental space to get on it until 2015 ticked around.

Now, my biggest problem is endometriosis… not that I’ve managed to get anyone to take that seriously. But it’s been affecting me since I was 13, in chronic fatigue and nausea and bowel problems and generally giving me a total lack of quality of life. My first pregnancy ‘fixed’ me for a few months, but then it started getting bad again after that. This last pregnancy was absolutely terrible, and the return of my cycle after my second pregnancy has taken me from bad to the absolute worst. I’m suffering chronic fatigue so bad that I am in physical pain. Honestly, I tick almost all of the CFS boxes, and it’s no fun at all. Add in things like bonus brain fog from bipolar meds, and yeah… all my energy goes into trying to stay vaguely cheerful for my own sake.

My plan for some time has been to push for a hysterectomy, as that’s what my maternal grandmother and aunt had to do around this point in their lives. I would prefer to not have to go that far, but I am prepared to to actually have some sort of quality of life. But because going to the doctor and potentially getting rejected for help I need is so exhausting, I’ve been trying to push myself around to it for a few months now. I’m booked in next week to see the one lady doctor at our surgery, so fingers crossed that seeing a woman means I get taken seriously, instead of pushed to the side because I can get pregnant and sex doesn’t hurt. Not all endometriosis is located around the uterus, and I’m pretty sure from past lookings and experiences that mine is in and around the bowels instead (which would mean that it doesn’t affect fertility, which it doesn’t for me).

I’ve got some rough notes scribbled, but the main things I’m going to push for are a permanent birth control solution — no periods means no endometriosis damage. If that’s an implant or the like, that’s fine. We don’t need a monthly to be healthy, and I think that it’s glaringly obvious that not having a monthly would be ideal. And as I don’t want any more children anyways… that’s part of why I waited. I didn’t want to be dismissed for being ‘hormonal’, even if I’ve known this was my battle plan for years now. I want to book in a set of full blood work, because that’s a wise thing to do postpartum. After all, what if the chronic fatigue is worse due to postpartum thyroid issues? Lastly, and this is of highest importance to me — I want to push to make sure I can get booked in for a laparoscopy. I don’t have a couple thousand pounds to get it done privately, and it’s the only way at current to diagnose/treat endometriosis. I very much fear that my bowels are rather fused, and that could require some scary scary surgeries to repair. The whole situation being untreated/ignored/dismissed for 20 years probably hasn’t done any good.

Of course, physical state affects mental state. And while I don’t think my bipolar is going to magically evaporate if/when this stuff hopefully gets looked at, and (hopefully) fixed, it should help with the severity of my brain fogs, and well… actually having the energy to do things would be amazing for my mood. Today I am feeling like a superhero because I bathed the baby, washed dishes, got the laundry started, and made my big girl’s bed. I’m completely wiped for it, and trying to decide if I can manage vacuuming without completely destroying myself. And this is a great day compared to yesterday, where the only thing I managed was a bath. Mind you, I’m still in a good mood on the whole, but yanno… want to feel better. I think those of us with chronic anything can appreciate that.

Anyways, hope everyone is doing alright out there.

<3