i ain’t afraid of no post

A typically morose post, in which I do not say the B word for a change.

“Tattoos were once believed by the Ta’un’uuans to be scars that can sing.” (jill ciment – the tattoo artist)

If I could afford it I’d add some tattoos to my arm. If I could out m.yself I’d show you mine. Every single one of them marks loss in some way; I only realised that right now. Scars that can sing. Inky sorrow and stories in my skin. I can’t go forward until I stop mourning the past. I can’t stop mourning the past until enough time has passed (perhaps).

i would kiss it and you would laugh
on the sheets of a stormy sky
kenneth stirling – tattoo song

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Don’t listen to the Kenneth Stirling. one if you’re not into Dylan. Or if you don’t know which Dylan I mean. I am. Since I was 14 and stole a Jokerman casette from my brother. He’s dead now and I mostly wish I was.

The usual caveat: I am not wilfully gloomy, I’m depressed. Fuck cheerfulness, for my part; if a helicopter trip up and down the coast on a sunny day (not today) didn’t cheer me up, I pronounce myself uncheerable. I was so ashamed and embarrassed … managed to fake some cheer, thank goodness. Anyway. This depressive episode (with some mixed ones to relieve the boredom) has been on the go since July 2013 and I think I’ve been counting the months wrong. Suddenly I wonder if I’ll be counting in years – this is month 18. There have been good things – I’m giving you the background overview of it.

got a tattoo and the pain’s alright
just wanted a way of keeping you inside
coldplay – ink

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“Why Plath? Why not? She exposed a dirty truth about depression: Sometimes it never got better.”
the plath resolution (longread)

Ag anyway, I tend to look at stuff and think well, when it’s a binary choice, there’s always a 50/50 chance.

“We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust.” Rumi

Remember, no matter how mawkish, morbid and morose – no consolation or helpful tips or motivational memes. Sometimes I just need to bleed here. And the pain’s alright.

My blog will make fabulous country & western song lyrics one day.

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