2015 is here, and so far, it hasn’t been great. I’m not going to lie, I am hurting. Between my finances, my migraines and my depression, I’m ready to just sleep for 6 months. A major contributing factor is comparison. This is something I have always struggled with and I probably always will. A few hiccups with my therapy appointments and work mean I haven’t been to therapy since last month, and I am floundering. I don’t know if my medications need changed as well, but I need to do something.
The other part of the problem is my lifelong habit of making myself out to be the villain. I do this all the time, even in situations where I clearly am the victim. I assume people hurt me because of some fault within me, rather than the other way around. There is no clearer example of this than with my former fiancee. Without being completely libelly/defamation of character-y, I have to say, he fucked things up royally. Let me just be clear in that, because I tend to romanticize and spew flowery crap about what I learned from it. But that’s it in a nutshell, he screwed up, he didn’t put in much effort and I suffered as a result. And as far as my “awful behavior” following the breakup, we need to clarify that, too. It consisted of angry text messages, several passive aggressive statuses and a pointed email. That’s it. No dead animals in pots on stove tops, no criminal activity. Yet I am painted out to be the “crazy ex girlfriend” because it’s so much easier to do that than face his own poor behavior. I was lied to for years, emotionally manipulated, financially controlled and finally, abandoned.
I’m tired of it. Fuck that shit, seriously.
I’m tired of feeling like I did something wrong. I’m tired of assuming I have some character default that makes people mistreat me. I’m tired of always being on the defensive. I’m tired of being afraid and hurt. I am so sick of crying and feeling sick and all the random aches and pains. I’m tired of being judged and mistreated and labelled by people whose behavior is a thousand times worse than mine, people who don’t have mental illness, who don’t know the whole story, only what they have been told. I’m tired of taking 5 pills a day just to feel “normal”, which all come with a set of aggravating side effects. I’m tired of the bad dreams and panic attacks. Tired of hiding and being anonymous and fearing the mysterious What Might Happen If They Knew.
I’m just so damned tired.
Dear Readers, please don’t be alarmed. I plan on hanging around for as long as God sees fit, but this has been building for some time. I can only deal with so much for so long. I welcome your prayers and good vibes, as my skies are inky black right now.