Jangle Bells

Trigger warnings: whining; so much whining. I must be bi-whining (please don’t tell Charlie Sheen).

I am overdue for some situational happiness (well if situational depression is a thing …) I am, as evidenced by my very presence online, speaking as one of the planet’s most privileged people. I remind myself of it often and count my blessings too. But. But but but.

Does anyone know whether I took my meds this morning? And no, that isn’t why I’m down. I got up early and took my hyaena-dog to the vet, a close friend of mine is in A&E right now … and the usual stuff I always whine about and:

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Only, unless I stay home, avoid everyone and switch my phone off, there is no way of ignoring it. I’m quite good at this xmas alone stuff, I’ve done a lot of it. I won’t freak out, I’ll just have a hollow ache till it’s over, maybe tears, maybe lots of sleep – and then there will be new sodding year to endure and then it’ll be 2015 and I will feel better.

I don’t want to grinch anyone else’s xmas, I want people to have a lovely one and to hoover up and exude as much love and laughter as they possibly can. In other circs, I would be cheery too. Well, if bipolar wasn’t kicking my ass and I suspect it has formed a festive habit.

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I seem to keep apologising and justifying and explaining this stuff, hopefully writing it out will do me some good. I need to let it the fuck go. I’m like one of those many sided thorns, once I get stuck in, I’m there for the duration. When removed, I usually leave the country.

Shitty childhood memories, grief for my dead mother and all of the distances I can’t cross – those are the things I try to hide from. I’ve had significant success with the childhood stuff (thank you CBT etc). The rest is an ache in my bones and my soul, sadness at sunset and sighs heavier than the Phoenix Cluster.

While I’m writing about sadness, I’m not feeling it.

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It’s doable, it’s finite. I’m pretty sure I took my meds.

It’s great that my next door neighbour is having a braai now, with the girlfriend he is clearly in love with and his daughters are visiting, which always makes him extra happy. Haha.

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