Daily Archives: December 6, 2014

Got my grinch on

It’s been a very crappy week mental health wise.
Putting up the tree today for the progeny but my attitude is basically, “Fa la la la, go fuck yourself.”
Least that Corey Taylor song “X-Mas” cheered me up briefly. Grinchiness is not a bad thing when it’s because you’re sickened by the whole commercialization aspect. “I spent this much money on your gift and you only spent this much on mine, so I love you more and am superior.”
Fuck that shit.

I was flying high for awhile.
Now it’s splat time again. (For Bex: “Cos baby baby it’s splat time…”)
Hate this shit. Shit, shit, fuckity fuck fuck.
Yesterday and the day before I just started coming to pieces and the emotional shrapnel went flying. Tears, overwhelming emotions I couldn’t keep in check, a feeling of utter hopelessness and a hatred for everything.
It has passed today although I am far from feeling well.
At best, I am faking it. I’ve had enough drama, my own and that of others’, to last a lifetime after this week.

Ya know, there are people who are educated, classier, make more money and look down on me…But I see their lives and think, wow, mine’s pretty damn good because at least I don’t have to consult a committee on how my hair should look or what clothes I can wear or how long I can be gone without someone being able to reach me on the phone.
I rejoice in the fact I don’t have some overbearing domineering spouse bossing me around.
I am glad I don’t have to take care of a bunch of people by being their maid and slave.

Every time I think I have it so bad…I realize I have the ultimate wealth: the ability to run my own life in a way that is right for me.

I made R mad the other day and he called me a parasite and told me we were done. I thought about it overnight, then informed him we are symbiotic and while the friendship can fuck off, I have EARNED my position at the shop and I do not quit and he will not fire me.
He looked a little stunned but then he kind of smiled and said, “Okay.”
Some people you kind of have to dominate or they will walk all over you for the silliest of reasons. I mean, he got pissed off at me because I broke down in tears the other day and started pouring out all my stresses.
SERIOUSLY? That’s a sin? Friends don’t call you a parasite just because your messy emotions make them uneasy.
I trust him even less now than I did before.
Least this time I am not at his mercy. I earned my spot as shop wench and I am keeping it until it suits me not to. Not like I’m there much anymore since business is slowed. I am taking control of my life and if he really wants me to go away, it better be because I ordered a wrong part or was rude to a customer. Not because I am human and cry. That’s asinine.
And I don’t know why so many men think a woman crying is such a horrific thing. Just because they are Mr Spock without emotions doesn’t mean we are.
It’s been ages, anyway, since I’ve had a meltdown like this. I think I was long overdue.

We were there last night at R’s visiting with his wife and I was just very low, not even wine was helping, so I was a little quick to fly off the handle when offended and mostly, I was sulky and down. He kept asking why and telling me “We’re having a good time, knock it off.”
I flat out said, “I am having a hard time and I am low and frankly, I’d rather be alone than have friends who can’t grasp that concept.”
But he kept telling me snap out of it.
Making it worse.
People suck sometimes.
The whole time we were there, I just wanted to flee the scene. I mean, it was good to see everyone else having a good time, but I simply wasn’t in that mind frame. It’s part of my disorder and my helliday stress and it’s not the end of the fucking world to have a bad night. I was trying to keep to myself and go for a smoke outside if I felt the emotion boiling into a danger zone.
Just, for fuck’s sake, let me have a bad night. It’s nothing personal with bipolar.
I came home and it wasn’t twenty minutes before I basically assumed the fetal position in bed and bit back tears I couldn’t even explain. I couldn’t get comfortable. My mind wouldn’t stop spinning. It was miserable.

But aside from sleepy cobweb brain, today’s mind frame is a little different and less dismal. Such is cyclothymia.

I’m even cycling back out of the irritable spot where I don’t so much mind hugs and cats climbing on me.

It’s a merry go round and since others can’t see it or experience it, they think I am being some dramatic manipulative bitchy trying to ruin everyone’s fun.
Not being able to be yourself, especially when it’s due to a legitimate medical disorder, is stifling and demoralizing.
And the ultimate narcissism is people making my disorder about them, as in “Lighten up” or “What’d I do to make you act this way?”
It’s not about them.
Half the time I don’t even feel like it’s about me. The disorder seems to take on a life of its own and I feel like a bystander, unable to do anything until the mood swings in a different direction.

I think I have a healthy view of my disorder. Yes, I get down and pessimistic and “fuck this, everything sucks, I hope you all die in a fire…”
But I am smart enough to know…It’s not going to stick and it’s the product of a brain that distorts thoughts.
It will pass.
Why can’t others figure that out?

Oh, and fuck them. It’s my insanity and I’ll cry if I want to.
Because chances are, within 24 hours, I will be snarking and laughing again.
Much like a bad storm, you just gotta ride bipolar out.


Friends With Benefits

Well, just about the time I’d lost faith in humanity…..along comes an online friend of mine who tells my sad story to the world in “A Friend in Need Is a Friend Indeed” on GoFundMe, the website that runs benefits for people who are down on their luck. So far she’s raised almost $800 for Will and me, and some of the donors are people I don’t even know.

I feel so blessed. This friend and I have never met face-to-face, but we have met heart-to-heart. She’s part of my Facebook mood-disorders group and is a good Christian woman who does her best to live out her religion. Like me, she is 55 and has bipolar 1; unlike me, she is wise in the ways of dealing with both her disease and her life circumstances. She’s also been instrumental in helping me understand where God is in all of this chaos, and thanks to her I’m rediscovering my own faith.

And once again I am amazed at the magic of the Internet, which brings together people who ordinarily would never know of each other’s existence. Geography doesn’t matter anymore; my friend lives all the way across the country, but she may as well be in the same room when we get to “chatting”. I have other friends on the eastern side of the country whom I also have not met in the traditional sense of the word, as well as old high-school chums who I’ve run into on Facebook and picked up where we left off almost 40 years ago.

Still, I was amazed when my friend in Maine came up with the idea to help raise money for us. I’d heard of GoFundMe before, but would never have used it myself…..even in the midst of disaster, I couldn’t have asked strangers OR friends for financial help. I may be poor as Job’s turkey, but I’m also stubborn and yes, prideful despite knowing what goes before a fall. I can’t help it. The trajectory of my life keeps heading relentlessly downhill, and yet I try to pretend that I’m still a middle-class woman who’s simply going through a rough patch.

It seems to be the only way I can handle my present reality. I don’t want to allow myself to become comfortable in poverty’s embrace, as I did many years ago when the kids were little and welfare was a way of life. But I didn’t let the system beat me down: I worked hard to get us away from it and was fiercely proud of accomplishing the deed. That’s what upsets me the most—we had the middle-class lifestyle, and now we’ve lost it. Sometimes I think it would have been better if we’d just stayed poor…..at least we would never have tasted the life we’d dreamed of and then had it taken away from us like candy from a baby.

However, this is what makes me appreciate my friends more. No one is abandoning me because I can’t go to lunch or out shopping, no one is condemning me for being on food stamps or applying for disability. What I have to do now is stop condemning myself.

In the meantime, Christmas is coming and we won’t be alone with no presents to unwrap; our son wants us to come to his place Christmas morning and then be taken to a magnificent buffet for dinner. We’ll have some money to keep us off the streets a little longer, we have food to eat, and best of all we have friends and family who love us. And as much as I hate what’s happening, I realize that things could definitely be worse. Much worse.

 


The Flu

I write this post in the dark, my nose stuffed up, a nasty cough barking out every now and then and aching muscles. Ugh, it’s the flu.
Despite feeling like roadkill I will be going to my therapist appointment later, equipped with tissues, sanitizer and possibly a mask.

Debating discussing my feverish dreams. I usually don’t remember dreams, but the ones I am having in my fitful sleep are interesting to say the least. From my ex fiancee’s girlfriend turning into Ursula from The Little Mermaid to buying a new house with a secret tunnel, they are just plain weird. Maybe they mean something, most likely that the fever cooked my brain.

I feel that illness can often be a sign to slow down, that we push too hard. I am guilty of that for sure. My careful routine to control my bipolar symptoms has gone out the window which has me worried. In any event, just wanted to update you dear readers and remind you to take care of
yourselves!

Filed under: Uncategorized

Holiday Drinking Triggers Me

Originally posted on STIGMAMA.com at Holiday Drinking Triggers Me, by Kitt O’Malley.

Holiday Red WineHolidays I find unsettling. Not only are the days far too short, but visiting family can destabilize me and trigger bipolar symptoms. I acutely feel a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, drinking minimally, but craving intoxication, more so when triggered. The holidays trigger me for I am surrounded by family members who drink, some who drink to excess daily. In spite of thirty-two years of psychotherapy, it still pains me to see those I love dearly drinking or worse-yet drunk. What pains me the most is seeing my once vibrant father suffering from alcohol-related dementia. His cognitive abilities deteriorate quickly throughout the day and evening as he gets progressively more intoxicated. Both my mother and I become more emotional labile, sensitive, and reactive as we drink. Such is a recipe for repeated family drama.

Still, I desire the intoxicating effect of alcohol. When watching TV, I track alcoholic beverages. In The Big Bang Theory they hold and gulp wine in every episode. In Blue Bloods, Tom Selleck drinks whiskey. When grocery shopping, I am very aware of the aisle with alcohol and try to avoid it. Unfortunately, the wines face those snacks my husband and son enjoy. When I socialize with people who are drinking, that deep craving, that yaw opens, and I, too, drink. I do not drink to excess, but I drink for a biochemical reaction, for my brain to be slowed down and numbed, for that feeling of intoxication, not because I enjoy the flavor. I am no connoisseur. I am, perhaps, an addict who drinks minimally. Likewise, I still remember what marijuana smells like. I still have a visceral reaction when remembering that heady scent, when recounting how I used marijuana decades ago for relief, to slow down and be stupid.


Filed under: Acceptance, Alcoholism, Dual Diagnosis, Mental Health, Mood Cycling, Substance Abuse, Triggers to Mood Cycling Tagged: family members, genetic predisposition

Clouds and Sky

Mammoth Clouds 1 Mammoth Clouds 3 Mammoth Sun Setting Mammoth Clouds 2 Storm Clouds 2 Sun and Clouds Storm Clouds 1
Filed under: Photos Tagged: clouds, nature, nature photography, Sky

Rocks

Lizard on Rock Wildflower Among Rocks
Filed under: Photos Tagged: nature, nature photography, rocks

Flowers

Calla Lily Alstroemeria Flower Buds Over Sidewalk Hot Pink Ice Plant Pink Gladiolus Agapanthus Lantana Yellow Hibiscus Columbine Beardless Yellow Iris
Filed under: Photos Tagged: flowers, nature, nature photography

Trees

Eucalyptus Bark Clouds through Branches Sycamore Branches Tree Trunks Eucalyptus
Filed under: Photos Tagged: nature, nature photography, trees

Moody Yet Again

I woke up in a good mood, still feeling happy about my hair cut.

I played on the computer for a few hours and had some fun. It seemed like a really good kind of day.

Then I got a message from my BFF saying she was upset with me. Rightly so. I haven’t been there for her like I should mostly because I’m afraid. Ever since I found out her cancer came back, I’ve been terrified. I’m afraid of losing the only other person that I love unconditionally besides my husband. I admit it makes me a coward for turtling myself into a shell and hiding.

I hope she forgives me for being so stupid. It hurts me to think that I might have hurt her in any fashion. She is going through more than enough, she doesn’t need my bullshit on top of it.

In a perfect world I would spend every day with her and we would be happy and healthy.