After barely doing anything over the helliday week, I’ve done four days in the petri dish.
I alternate between feeling nauseous and exhausted and feeling…present.
I ran out of Paxil a week ago. Maybe that’s it. Just didn’t have the money for a refill.
The lesser side effects on my body have been nice,
The brain zap withdrawal sucked.
I’ve got prozac so it’s not like I am totally without the net.
I don’t think the shrinks realize, sometimes, the side effects seem lesser because you learn to live with them and view them as normal. It’s not until you come off the med that you realize…all those things you thought were norms…Really aren’t. And while you certainly don’t want to be ill, you kind of miss being…well, normal.
I’ve pondered saying screw the anti depressants. None ever work for more than a year, which leads the doctors to consider me a malingerer.
I know I HAVE to have the mood stabilizers. Without those, I become kinda monstrous. Self destructive.
I am just sick of the medi go round. Sick of the doctors and prescriptions and side effects and having this “mentally ill” label stuck to me for life.
Anxiety wise…Moderate, but manageable. I am super irritable. I don’t even want the cats on me, and that is an anomaly. Normally, I find a purring cat comforting. Now it’s like making my skin crawl.
That’s what life feels like sometimes. Like everything, everyone, including myself, is this hundred pound Samsonite I have to lug around everywhere. It’s exhausting. Sometimes, you just want to take along a light carry on bag.
Maybe it’s stress, anxiety, or just the hellidays. I don’t know. Earlier, I was feeling ok. Then I took meds on an empty stomach and started feeling nauseous. I don’t do the sick thing with grace, perhaps it is tainting how I feel.
Didn’t help they sent my kid home again, saying she had a 100.3 temp. I took her temp as soon as we got home and it was 97.7. I trust the digital thermometers over those temple ones mainly because a nurse told me they are highly inaccurate.
The ass trashiest part is, they’re sending me letters threatening me with truancy because she’s missed so many days. My kid is a drama queen. She’s been bouncing off walls since she got home. And this is how it is every time they send her home. She didn’t like what was for lunch today and she looked like a clown cos she got into my stay put lipstick and nothing i did would take it off (yet it won’t stay on me) so I’m guessing what her illness is. I gave her tylenol anyway. Geesh, you had to have a damn axe sticking out of her your head before they’d send you home when I was in school. Now your kid has a hangnail and it’s panic button time.
But yeah, threaten me with truancy.
Grr…I need some time without the luggage. So…How does one escape their own mind?
For now…it’s Christmas shopping and bills and paying out of my own pocket for my kid’s replacement glasses. Yay. I know it’s just life. It’s always been my life. One step forward, ten steps back.
But, miraculously, I can see light at the end of the tunnel. which is a feat at this time of year.
At the moment, though, it’s all ass trash.
i’m the luggage carousel at the airport for the moment.
I will cycle in a different direction soon. Good old cyclothymia. It doesn’t let you get too board since the cycle only pauses but never truly stops.
But my bills are paid, we have what we need for the moment, I am going to put up the tree and fake holiday cheer for my kid…And maybe this weekend my mom will keep Spook for a sleepover and I can get a good night’s sleep. Being woken every two hours wears you down. I don’t think she was this bad as a newborn.
some stuff sucks.
Some stuff doesn’t.
Life’s a mixed bag.
Just sometimes…I wish the bag was a lightweight carry on rather than a hundred pound Samsonite.