I’m on 300mg (I know, low dose, but my pdoc is being conservative because I’ve had reactions to anticonvulsant mood stabilizers in the past, like Stevens Johnson Syndrome with Lamictal) of Gabapentin and it isn’t doing anything. I think its making me worse.
I wake up feeling like shit. I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything. But I force myself to get out, take my meds, and most often go back to bed. Then I give it a bit of time and get out for real. Well, it’s been cold and the barns been closed, so no riding, so I’ve been in bed with my laptop watching Grey’s Anatomy and knitting.
I’ve knit a LOT. I’m making hats for Community Cares, a local food bank and thrift shop. I’m on my 5th. I’m making 3 in 3 different sizes. Child, small adult/older child and adult.
Today my roommate texted me from the barn (she runs the farm I ride at and will hopefully own it eventually) and said she was having a meltdown. She had a panic attack. It takes me 20 min to get there, but there’s no snow, and I got caught in construction, but not that bad. I got there and found her.
She said she has a doctor’s appointment December 10th to get back on meds. I’m glad she has the appointment. I have one the same day, with my pdoc. I talked to her while she mucked stalls (I’m not allowed, by her or my doctor, to muck stalls because of my shoulder) and she gave me a hug and started crying, asking what she’d do without me. I felt appreciated, but was sad she was crying. She’s usually so positive, but everyone breaks down once in a while. We’ve fought, not talked, etc, in the past, but always got over it.
She’s a wonderful person to have in my life. She’s a horse woman through and through and has dedicated her life to it, which I admire. There isn’t a lot of money in the horse industry unless you’re running an “A Circuit” barn with 100 students and 20 lesson horses, and everyone goes to shows. She gives to people. I take the extremely low lease price of Sully off her rent every month, and she gives me lessons (normally $30) for free when I want them. At shows, she doesn’t charge for schooling or anything. I just have to pay my own fees for classes. Most instructors charge $60-150 for schooling at shows. (Schooling = warming up before your class)
She gave me Sully. He’s her horse, and she does use him in lessons, but he’s mostly mine. I have a half lease with them. After the lease with Ayla broke up, she offered me this wonderful horse when I didn’t know what I was going to do. Sully is the best. I got my confidence back on him. She does things for everyone at the barn, organizes Girls Nights Out, birthday parties for the younger kids, birthday dinners for the older people, she takes the best care of the horses as she possibly can and does it out of love.
She supports me and I support her. She’s frank and honest, won’t hide anything. She is in a lot of pain all the time from past injuries, but works 12 hour days. She’s amazing. It’s like nothing can stop her.
We went and got hotdogs and coffee (well, tea for her, a Crispy Crunch latte for me) and talked in my car.. She offered gas money, but I refused. We went back to the barn. We talked some more, horse talk, and she said if I wanted I could go. I gave her another big hug (I’m known as the barn hugger, and I have “Free Hugs” tattooed on my knuckles in light brown) and let her know I’m there for her.
My asshole neighbours kept us up all night smoking pot and partying. I called my landlord again, who talked to them (and well, guess what they’re doing right now! Smoking pot!) and they complained that our boots are making the carpet outside the apartments dirty and I always leave the back door open… and they don’t?
I started a workbook, kinda CBT, to keep track of my moods and symptoms. I find I forget about phone apps and computer stuff. This is more accurate. I worked on it for a while, and set a bunch of goals for today – some very simple (shower), some harder (leave the house) but I did them all. I’ll bring it to pdoc appointments with me.
My mom’s birthday was Saturday and she was out of town going nuts Christmas shopping. You should see the 16 outfits she got for Hunter, my nephew, her grandson. 16 outfits! All different sizes, all brand name, and she got them on sale, got really good deals. So adorable. There’s an Adidas track suit in there for 18 months (Hunter is 3 months as of the 21st, but is wearing 6 months to a year, he’s a big baby) and all sorts of adorable little outfits. She also got Dr Seuss stuff, lots of books, even a special edition (my brother and SIL painted the room Dr Seuss themed, it’s amazing).
She also spent $90 at the Lindt store. I know what I’m going to be enjoying after Christmas! She works so hard to make Christmas special for everyone, and it always is. My mom is special. For her birthday, I got her a stuffed moose, some moose stationary that magnets to the fridge, I knit her a big scarf/shawlette with a matching hat, and another hat. She loved it all. I wish I could have done more, but she understands my financial situation and tells me not to get her anything. I made her a card, too. When I have some money I’m going to send a bouqet of cookies to her office.
So things are getting better. That’s a bonus.
Here’s a pic of Sully and I, me riding him bareback (which means no saddle, but I use a bareback pad because he has high withers and that HURTS) goofing off.
A picture after our ride my roommate took, of us looking out of the arena.
Goofing off at a walk. I can do that at a trot and canter, too. I get Sully into a canter, and drop the reins and put my arms out. It feels amazing.
I wish I had this pic in high resolution. The light is just right.
My roommate says I need to ride with a saddle more often. I have thighs of steel from riding bareback so much!