So the news on my nephew is not as good as it could be. His cancer is definitely stage 2 and he will need two courses of chemo. I don’t know how many visits a “course” is…I guess his oncologist will let him know on Wednesday. He may also need more surgery. (The next part is not for the faint…) I guess some of this surgery can cause problems with fertility, performance, and even cause reverse ejaculation. There’s been talk of sperm banking. But that sounds way expensive and let me guess, insurance won’t pay for it.
Understandably my sister-in-law and Jack were pretty down over all this news. I am even more determined to have a wonderful Thanksgiving for everyone. I have beefed up the table decorations a bit and the house will be extra clean. I plan on being a warm, welcoming, and friendly aunt. But not too weird or mentally ill. I am shooting for normal. But does anyone have normal aunts?
This week has been like shit for me. Just to review my med situation….I have gone off of perphenazine (that was for the voices) and have gone off Lexapro (for depression). So I’ve heard a few voices (just keeping it honest here) and I’ve felt some depression. The Lexapro I have gone off slowly a bit at a time but a few days ago I stopped it completely. Now if you are an intelligent reader (and I know you all are…) you might say, “Gee, Lily, you were feeling pretty good, why are you messing with your meds?” Well, here are the reasons: #1 My pdoc thinks I am on too many meds (duh!) #2 I am not waking up early enough in the morning to have a normal life #3 The doc wants to put me on some new med that will wake me up in the morning. (Something for night shift workers.)
Does this make sense to you or is it just me because I am ill? I feel pretty good but don’t get going till about ten. I hate to take a shower. I am on six meds. I hear some voices.
So we screw with my meds. I now am on four meds but still hearing voices, am too depressed to get going at all, am on the verge on taking new med #5,and still hate showering. I don’t see much improvement going on there. Things are sort of a mess.
So I have been on the couch all week. Oh, and this morning, without my doc’s knowledge, I started taking Lexapro again. I feel better. Much clearer and more cheerful. Able to probably get a shower.
I normally am really med compliant. My husband helps a lot with this. But he knows I am back on Lexapro and thinks it’s fine. I DO have to get through the holidays and frankly, I’d like them to be nice. For ME. I can be depressed in January.
Things are going good in my “outside” life, other than my nephew. My kids and husband are all doing well, even if my daughter is sort of snotty. Our bills are paid and there is money for Christmas. I have friends who are supportive. My house is pretty clean.
But my personal “personal” life is not exactly ambitious. I am spending a lot of the time on the couch. My weight is likely going up as I am not moving. I have not weighed in at my diet doctor’s office in like two months. I am eating too much but not terribly. But I will not win any awards. I am cooking dinner every night, but am eating too much of it.
I am not exercising at all and doubt I ever will. I don’t even care if I die young. So what? I’ve done a lot. I’m not doing all of my devotionals or prayer beads. I am going to my women’s support and bipolar support group. I missed church last week but have been going. I missed my book club and it was a good book. I doubt I’ll ever make it. I can’t get a shower and get there by ten. I’ve cancelled a meeting with a bipolar friend. She has been incredibly nice about it. She understands.
We DID get a Christmas Angel adult. All she wanted was a gift certificate for boots. She is 48 and I am getting her other stuff too. It’s hard to know what to get but I am giving it a shot.
I feel like I am turning into an M and M. You know the chocolate inside with the shell part on the outside? My chocolate inside is all of the sugar I have been eating. The shell part is my feelings. I keep putting thin little layers of protection around my inside. It’s like I am having trouble with people understanding how big my small problems are to me. And no one really cares or ever asks. I have gotten very careful about asking people for support. I don’t want to “burden” people with my feelings. Even though most know I am bipolar, I think they expect my meds and doctors to do all the heavy lifting. And you know what? People don’t have time. They’re just busy. Even my “closest” friends are preoccupied with the day to day of life. No one wants to cover the gritty part. The part that hurts. Maybe it’s just too uncomfortable.
This post probably sounds a bit disjointed. Well, I am having weird shooting pains in my head so I probably am disjointed. It’s probably the Lexapro,…or the Topamax…or the Klonopin….or the Wellbutrin….or the Lamictal…or the……
Don’t know if I will make it back by Thanksgiving. I hope to but am not sure. So will think of all of you out there. Eat more turkey and less pie for me.