Take a Dip With Me

dipSo we got the results back from my nephew’s cancer surgery. I am going to copy the text his mother sent so I make sure to get it all correct: “The pathology came back as cancer, very likely stage 1 or possibly stage 2, he will have a CT scan on Wednesday to see if anything spread to the other side or possibly lymph nodes. Doc thinks caught in early stages. A couples of courses of chemo likely. We will know more on Thurs after the CT scan, then to an oncologist for specific treatment.”

I am thinking this is not perfect news but is not a disaster either. It sounds as if they are doing all the things to cover him and make sure it has not spread. On the other hand, it doesn’t sound like it was some tiny nodule of some unknown origin that was not cancerous either.

If it was my son, I’d be hysterical and useless, but that would not be of help to anyone. So maybe I would actually be strong and supportive. How do you know?

Since my nephew has cancer I feel a bit guilty writing this blog about ME, ME, ME, but I guess that is the idea. I mean how mentally ill people react to life. You’ll be glad to know I got off my butt and made brownies and went over to see him with my sons and husband. He got up to see me and give me a hug. He looked really good for someone just out of any kind of surgery. The guys all sat and chatted and I visited with my sister-in-law, Patty. She was trying to do some work from home on her computer. I felt sorry for her. Her house was a mess, which isn’t a big deal to me except that it is unusual for her. I’m not saying it’s always perfect, but you could tell people had been struggling. (Remember her husband had a heart attack four months ago.) So I decided to get over my asshole petty attitudes and invite them for Thanksgiving. She looked so relieved to have somewhere to go. She normally loves to cook, so I know she is exhausted. The best part of this deal for me is that I talked her into doing the mashed potatoes which is the food I really hate to make. So now I think we have 22 for dinner.

Their youngest son Andy, came home from high school while we were there and he was very friendly. He acted nice and had a good sense of humor. I was very relieved they didn’t seem to treat me funny. Of course, everyone was focused on Jack but no one acted like I was a leper for not having been around much. They acted like I was any old member of the family.

There are a couple of big events coming up. Jack’s graduation from college and Andy’s graduation from high school. I really need to make these “must attend” events and show big enthusiasm.

The middle child, Ellen is away locally at college. She is the one I think I may have the easiest time building a relationship with. I thought I might invite her to tea over Christmas break.

So really things are better with these kids. I need to sit down and make a little list of small things I could do to sort of keep in touch and build a relationship with them. Like being extra attentive to them over Thanksgiving. Maybe sending Jack a funny card and cookies. Maybe getting to do something with Andy and the boys? (I have no idea here.)

On a different note, I am hitting another dip. I cried a bit this morning. I did not feel like writing this blog although I feel better now that I am writing it. I am still struggling to get going in the morning. I missed my book club this morning, even though I read the book and liked it. The good news is it’s that same book club where no one knows if you are coming or not so they don’t miss you. I moved a coffee date with a new friend. I am going to try, however, to make my bipolar support group at three. I need to go and I’ve got to reassure that one guy that he is still invited for Thanksgiving. I can’t just disappear.

Yesterday, I did finally meet my old best friend from junior high and high school for lunch. She is better groomed and much thinner that I am but her face looks older. She looks just like her mother used to. She is a bit intimidating. She’s always been pretty perfect in the grooming, religious, housekeeping, etc. arenas. I do okay, but sometimes feel like a fat sack of potatoes next to her. But yesterday I felt okay. We laughed and laughed over stuff we did many many years ago. We decided to start texting and calling each other more often. I know I will have to do most of the initiating, but she does work and I don’t. But I am glad to have her more in my life again. I need my friends now. I need a cocoon of support. She knows all about my bipolar and is putting two and two together about some of my behavior in high school. She helps a lot.

I went to my women’s support group yesterday. Good group of people. We’re getting together for dinner with husbands on Friday night. I am bringing my famous banana cream dessert.

I am still unable to string full days of activities together. It’s like one day on my feet and the nest one down. One friend said. “Well, why don’t you plan it that way? Take Monday, Wednesday, and Friday off.” That sounds complicated, but maybe I could pretend I am a pediatric brain surgeon and am busy those days. It’s a thought.

hugs to you all,

lily

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