I think it’s time I start facing the fact that winter is here again. I’ve never enjoyed cold weather. As long as I can remember, I’ve been terrified of driving in the snow. All I really feel up to doing is hiding in my house. I know that I’ve been in a state of denial since about the middle of September. Just allowing myself to consider what is in store is actually causing a physical reaction. I’m nauseated and very nervous. On the cusp of a nasty panic attack.
Approaching Thanksgiving once again, I am struck by how much I miss what used to be. I never thought I would be in this position. Very little family to connect with and certainly no close friends to invite over. The only person I have even considered seeing is my dad. I would like to invite him over, but he is in a lot of pain these days, and it might not be possible. When he took that fall in August, I had a feeling life would change forever for all of us.
I grew up with a large family. Four older brothers and one older sister. Gradually, the family got larger as they married or had children. Now, with every one of their marriages disintegrated, and a lifetime of bitterness between all of us, we will probably never spend another holiday together. I looked forward to adding my little family to the group once Joe and I married. We are the only ones left standing. Who would have thought?
I can’t even imagine putting up the Christmas tree this year. I don’t know if I can do this. Any of it. I’m afraid. So very scared. I’m attempting to force my way through for the sake of my husband. I took his family away by just my very existence. I have lived for the moment when he opens his gifts for years. This year, with finances not looking so good, I can’t even begin to start my online quest for a good deal. I’m not going to lie, I am hiding all of this from everyone.
I can’t face any more disappointed faces. I can’t explain why “I just can’t” anymore. I’m bored with myself and my irrational illness. So very fed up with the various stages of uncontrollable sadness. I know there are people out there that honestly believe that a person can just say, “I’m going to be happy” and it happens. Maybe those people do exist, but in my world such a person is as fictitious as a unicorn or a leprechaun. You would like to think the whimsy and wonder of such a being exists, but you’ll never see it.
I’ve done that. I’ve pushed the dark thoughts to the back of my mind far too many times to count. I’ve told myself that you are going to be happy and enjoy your life starting…NOW.
You know what happened? Not a damn thing, because I am not one of those people.
So, this year I guess I will just “get through” once again. I’ll find a waybecause that is the only choice I have. I can’t give up, because who knows how much time on this Earth my father has left? I won’t give up, because the one man that means everything to me needs me to stick with it. For those two reasons, I will make it through the winter, the holidays and the birthdays of those no longer with us. No matter how difficult it is.
Maybe I’ll find some joy this year. It’s been gone for so long…maybe this year.