Daily Archives: November 16, 2014

Winter Blues


I think it’s time I start facing the fact that winter is here again.  I’ve never enjoyed cold weather.  As long as I can remember, I’ve been terrified of driving in the snow.  All I really feel up to doing is hiding in my house.  I know that I’ve been in a state of denial since about the middle of September. Just allowing myself to consider what is in store is actually causing a physical reaction.  I’m nauseated and very nervous.  On the cusp of a nasty panic attack. 

Approaching Thanksgiving once again, I am struck by how much I miss what used to be.  I never thought I would be in this position.  Very little family to connect with and certainly no close friends to invite over.  The only person I have even considered seeing is my dad.  I would like to invite him over, but he is in a lot of pain these days, and it might not be possible.  When he took that fall in August, I had a feeling life would change forever for all of us.

I grew up with a large family.  Four older brothers and one older sister.  Gradually, the family got larger as they married or had children.  Now, with every one of their marriages disintegrated, and a lifetime of bitterness between all of us, we will probably never spend another holiday together.  I looked forward to adding my little family to the group once Joe and I married. We are the only ones left standing.  Who would have thought?

I can’t even imagine putting up the Christmas tree this year.  I don’t know if I can do this.  Any of it.  I’m afraid.  So very scared.  I’m attempting to force my way through for the sake of my husband.  I took his family away by just my very existence.  I have lived for the moment when he opens his gifts for years.  This year, with finances not looking so good, I can’t even begin to start my online quest for a good deal.  I’m not going to lie, I am hiding all of this from everyone. 

I can’t face any more disappointed faces.  I can’t explain why “I just can’t” anymore.  I’m bored with myself and my irrational illness.  So very fed up with the various stages of uncontrollable sadness.  I know there are people out there that honestly believe that a person can just say, “I’m going to be happy” and it happens.  Maybe those people do exist, but in my world such a person is as fictitious as a unicorn or a leprechaun.  You would like to think the whimsy and wonder of such a being exists, but you’ll never see it. 

I’ve done that.  I’ve pushed the dark thoughts to the back of my mind far too many times to count.  I’ve told myself that you are going to be happy and enjoy your life starting…NOW. 

You know what happened?  Not a damn thing, because I am not one of those people. 

So, this year I guess I will just “get through” once again.  I’ll find a waybecause that is the only choice I have.  I can’t give up, because who knows how much time on this Earth my father has left?  I won’t give up, because the one man that means everything to me needs me to stick with it.  For those two reasons, I will make it through the winter, the holidays and the birthdays of those no longer with us.  No matter how difficult it is. 

Maybe I’ll find some joy this year.  It’s been gone for so long…maybe this year. 

Titles are over rated

I don’t even know what to title this post.
I just know I picked up my kid and now my mood is in the toilet. And it’s nothing to do with her because she pretty much to nap as soon as we got through the door.
Earlier, I was fine. Lowish but the cold and gloom explain that.

This abrupt descent into shivering cold, super sleepy, irritated, nervous, and all around mentally FUBAR has me reeling. Nothing happened. NOTHING. I don’t get this shit.

I don’t even know why I am bothering to post because I don’t even have anything to say. Not even a disjointed rant. I may be dying, I can always work up a good rant.
What. The. Fuck. I’m gonna try anyway.

I look at the coming weeks and inwardly, cringe.
My dad is on my ass to get my kid’s glasses replaced. I have $1.70 to my name. He isn’t offering any money up. The insurance won’t pay. All I can do is ask around at some charities but they’re not open on weekends so what the fuck he expects me to do is beyond me. I take care of my kid, I will deal with it. I resent his interference when he had so little to do with my nephew as a child. I don’t get why he’s up in my face when I am 41 years old and have managed to quite well since the donor walked out.
Oh well, it’s not a surprise my dad is a douche. I’ve had a loathe/hate relationship with him for years.
Mom was less venomous the last two days. Which means…she’s cooking up a new batch and saving it for when I least expect it.
Probably Thanksgiving. Best to strike and poison with an audience. I dread that fucking family day of hell every year and it’s creeping up fast.
I need about three hundred dollars to get this stupid car transferred and R, even though he has promised to help since it was his advice that got me to buy a lemon that blew up after 18 months…I’ve yet to see this help.
I’ve got Christmas coming up and I don’t know if I will even be able to get my kid a hand ful of junk from Dollar Tree.

I knew if I tried I could work up a rant.
It’s gotten to the point where I am ready to take up web cam foot porn if it generates income. I’m going further under than ever before and it’s pissing me off. Unfortunately, foot porn won’t work well for me since i have big ugly feet.
Maybe some perv would pay to see me make out with a balloon. Fetishes have gone off the insane o meter.

Point being…I am desperate. I am fed up. I am sinking under this current mind frame and all I want is to curl up in a warm bed and go to sleep. But I can’t sleep because I have all this other shit I gotta try to work out a plan to use to tackle it all.

Every holiday season it’s like this.
Every year I sweat and stress and go a little crazy.
Every year comes Jan 2 when all the fuss is done with and life can finally return to some semblance of normal dysfunction as opposed to added stress that the holidays bring.

I’m still low as fuck and have no idea why. There truly is no rhyme or reason to mental illness.

Bipolar disorder needs to die in a fire.