Drowning

I’m lost.  I can’t see anything in front of me, except darkness.  The weight on my chest is unbearable and I can no longer breathe.  I’m drowning, mired in this metaphorical ocean of instability.  Most of the time, I can reach out for something to cling to.  A tiny sense of hope.  At that moment, I know that if I could just get this, this and this to follow through, everything will be OK.

Today, there is no “this” and there certainly isn’t any hope.  It’s such a simple thing, really.  A small mistake that has spread like a disease.  I’ve been awake most of the night trying to find a solution, and I am afraid I have not been successful.  For once in my life, I can’t think my way out of it. 

I’m so tired and so sad.  Why does it seem as if no matter how hard I try, I can’t get ahead of it all?  Am I having a pity party?  I don’t know.  Whose business is it, really?  If you aren’t paying my bills, or taking care of my family, I don’t care about your opinions.   I just wish I could find the strength to swim to shore, and find my way out of this mess. 

I spend so much time trying to help others so that they don’t have to follow my path, and go through these feelings of defeat, fear…failure.  I would love to be able to talk myself down from the ledge.  It’s 2:58 am, and here I’m stuck in every way.  I don’t think I can find a positive message to end this post with.  At this point in my life, nothing seems the least bit positive. 

 I have no answers to any of these questions, and for a person with control issues, that is a terrifying experience.  All I can ask is that I at least make it out of this in one piece.  I’m going to try, but whatever strength I had has long since left me. 

 

Be well, my friends. 

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