Mixed episodes suck

I’m almost tempted to go on an antidepressant. I’m caught in a mixed episode with no mood stabilizer (well, I’m on 100mg of Gabapentin to make sure I don’t get bad side effects from it, and its pretty useless at that dose). Wellbutrin? It didn’t make me manic like the SSRI’s and SNRI’s did.

Sigh. I’ve been so agitated and irritable. And I’m out of Ritalin. Oops.

I’m so sick of this shit. I can’t function that well. I have a meeting with a client about a website Thursday. It was supposed to be today, but fortunately I contacted her on facebook and she got the days mixed up. Better than showing up to nothing. I don’t feel like going anywhere.

I’m working on my site Shock Out Of It! but I’m sick of researching, so I’ve been drawing a picture of my horse in Photoshop for hours. I might do another zentangle.. I do a lot of those. I got a new journal.

I knit my ass off and I’m sick of it now.

My roommate likes the apartment freezing cold and I need the heat. I’m almost under 100lbs again, not intentionally, just never feel like eating, except for after I take Seroquel. Seroquel makes me cold, too. It sucks. I need more blankets. Need to dig some out.

Had a good ride on Sully on Sunday. Did a bounce (jump, land, jump) bareback (no saddle) and didn’t fall off. Did it at the canter in a few directions. Yay me.

I got my helmet cam working. Yay for that. I spent $30 on an SD card and batteries for it. Could be worse.

Got overwhelmed at a social event last night and had auditory hallucinations while sitting outside by myself having a smoke. They followed me inside, so I assume they were hallucinations, since no one was around. I’m on 75mg of Piportil every other week.. Is it going to be upped to 100mg? Will this shit ever fuck off?

That’s my update. Sorry its so negative. That’s just life lately. One second I’m the life of the party, the next I’m negative, irritable and bored. Mornings are the worst for me. I wake up an just think “Ugh, I have to get out of bed and find something to do”. My hands and feet have been super sweaty in the morning too, which is gross, and it takes a while to go away.

It snowed Nov 1. My mom had gone away for a week before that. I missed her. I called her every day and I was terrified about her flying. Flying scares me. She’s home and perfectly fine. But I worry. Ugh.

So, that’s life right now. Therapy tomorrow, then going riding.

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