Daily Archives: October 17, 2014

It’s All Good

Went to the dermatologist and paid 50 bucks for less than thirty seconds of his time. Oh you are all good, no bad moles at all. So happy and perky, I wanted to punch him in the face.

I have no idea why I am so angry about it. I should be thrilled. Nothing wrong with me, but I am mad. I think it is because of all the anxiety I have felt about it. The quick you are fine didn’t seem to be enough to have merited all the anxiety I have felt since last week.

I did get a lot of things done after. A nice breakfast with my husband. I needed to get some blood taken for my shrink. She wants to test the common things, thyroid, vitamin d, liver levels and a couple of others I didn’t recognize.

She gave me a new medication benztropine to help with the restlessness that I feel. I can never sit still, so I am to start taking it at bed time. Not sure if I take enough sedative like meds, xanax, clonezapam and now this new one. I should be really relaxed anyhow.

My therapy also went really well though I ended up talking about my husband for most of the hour. I put him on a pedestal. I know it and the therapist says that maybe I need to do just that. I don’t understand why but I think she is right. He’s the one person I idolize in my life and he is a good moral person.

It’s hard for me to love or even like a person. I’m learning though. This blog helps a lot, it gives me interaction with people I normally wouldn’t have encountered in my life. So this blog is good for all sorts of things.

Thank you for the people who comment and support and even those who just read, you make me feel less alone in the world.


Shifting Gears

OK. I’ve taken a couple of days off from posting and I feel refreshed. A good friend of mine took me to task the other night for overthinking and being too self-involved, and as much as it hurt (me? overthink? I would never…..haha) I had to admit she was right. As a result, I’ve been able to crawl out of my cave a little and focus on something besides my own misery, and surprise, surprise, I feel much better.

If there is one good thing to say about having bipolar disorder, it’s this: no matter how you feel at a given time, it’s going to change. You can count on it. However, it usually doesn’t turn on a dime like this, which is how I know that what I’ve been dealing with is a lot of anxiety, rather than depression or a mixed mood. I’m still not a happy camper, but I’ve settled down a lot and even been able to enjoy things like an evening with the kids and grandkids and a supermarket trip with Will.

That’s something I’ve always loved about us…..we can even make something as mundane as grocery shopping fun. We talk, we laugh, we goof around, and we get it done without a big hassle. It’s a team effort, and we sometimes have to negotiate regarding desserts (he’s a chocoholic and would be content to eat Hershey bars every day of his life, while I like a variety of sweets). But overall, we have a pretty darn good time doing this weekly chore.

We still don’t have firm plans for our move, although I imagine our landlords will assist us in this regard when they get back from South America where they’re doing missionary work. I look around at the mess the house is in and wonder how the hell we’re ever going to get all this stuff packed up and ready to go—and I know sitting in front of the computer writing isn’t getting us any closer to that goal—but we’ve got to start somewhere.

And I have to stay well. This isn’t a time to get bogged down in self-recrimination and give in to my fears about what may lie ahead. There’s too much to do. Time to shift gears.

Thank you, my friend (you know who you are).


Have to Write

Have to write.
Can't.
Stuck.
Hurts.
Wound so tight.
Things a blur.
Unsure.
Lost.
Choking on thoughts.
Flailing.
Drowning.
Pinned at the bottom of the sea.
Looking up.
Wishing.
Waiting.
Believing.

Have to Write

Have to write.
Can't.
Stuck.
Hurts.
Wound so tight.
Things a blur.
Unsure.
Lost.
Choking on thoughts.
Flailing.
Drowning.
Pinned at the bottom of the sea.
Looking up.
Wishing.
Waiting.
Believing.

Mood Swings

Just days after writing about recovery, and what a good place I was in, I woke up at the other end of the spectrum – depressed. How? Why? Who knows. There isn’t usually a reason though sometimes there’s a trigger – not this time – at least not that I recognized.

I had plans for the day. I was to go downtown to the rubber stamp store and make a greeting card with my stamping friends. I cancelled. I wasn’t in the mood to smile and make nice. I didn’t have the energy to pretend. Surprisingly it was a beautiful day outside – or at least it looked that way from the window. I wouldn’t find out. I chose not to get dressed. I stayed in my pyjamas all day – haven’t done that in a long while. I even went to bed for a couple of hours. Then I looked at the calendar – October – a month that for me is historically difficult.

Just goes to show you that you can go from baseline to depressed literally overnight – that you can turn around and get punched in the gut by this thing called bipolar. I try to fight back the tears knowing that things will change. Somehow they always do. So I think tomorrow is another day, and this too shall pass.


Relief

I refuse to accept that I can’t take two classes and write a blog without killing myself in the process. The quote above is from a recent article I posted. Regular readers know I’ve been struggling with time management and generally feeling overwhelmed. I’ve been trying to balance college classes, blog writing, some volunteer work […]

The post Relief appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Goodbye Blog Action Day!!

What a good day!! Talking about INEQUALITY and opening up my mind to think about more things than just myself which felt good. Damn good. Thanks everyone for liking the posts and giving the B.U.L. blog shout outs on social media! Here’s to next year…

Let’s have EQUALITY and not INEQUALITY: Blog Action Day!

Here are some more images about INEQUALITY and EQUALITY!! SPREAD IT!!

INEQUALITY ART: BLOG ACTION DAY!!

So I know some of these aren’t “Mental Health” INEQUALITY but I thought they were cool all the same. There isn’t a lot of graphics and info on mental health inequality…and why is that? oh …hello STIGMA, funny to meet like this… http://www.blogactionday.org

INEQUALITY: TUPAC – CHANGES

If there is a song about INEQUALITY it’s this song! Please spread the message and visit Blog Action Day http://www.blogactionday.org for info of why there is so much INEQUALITY on my page today!!