Daily Archives: October 13, 2014

Have I ever mentioned that I have trust issues?

It’s not difficult to figure out where they came from. It goes back to earliest childhood, when I was cared for and loved by my sister and grandmother rather than my mother. I wanted to trust her; of course, being a child I didn’t understand why I couldn’t, or why she couldn’t love me the way I needed. But it set the stage for a lifelong distrust of people, and it’s taken me years to learn how to go through life without putting my head down and my fists up.

I don’t even trust myself half the time, and the other half of the time I can’t be trusted. This is not undeserved; after all, one should not trust me to drive when I’m manic, or to have access to a big bottle of controlled substances when I’m depressed. I also cannot be trusted not to throw a screaming fit out in front of a packed restaurant in the pouring rain or behave myself when someone is taunting me, even though neither of the above has happened in a long time. I know when the kids were growing up, the family walked on eggshells around me lest a storm blow up, which occurred way more often than was healthy for ANY of us.

I used to wonder why everyone went around all the time waiting for the other shoe to drop. “I’ve changed,” I would tell them, time and time again. “I’ve never hit people and I don’t even scream and yell much anymore. You don’t need to be afraid of me.” And then sure enough, something would happen and I’d go off on someone, and the whole cycle would start all over again.

To be honest, I still don’t think my family trusts me completely, even though I haven’t lost my temper in some time and the over-the-top conniptions haven’t happened since I’ve been on medication. A couple of my kids have admitted they worry about me going off the deep end, though, and I think that’s where the trust problem lies now. I once texted my oldest daughter in the middle of the night and said I thought I wanted to die, and I threatened to OD on Ativan. I didn’t do it then, but I did a year or so later, and of course Will couldn’t keep quiet about it, and he called the kids while I was passed out in the La-Z-Boy.

I wish I could say for certain that I’ll never do such a thing again. I don’t plan on it, and I don’t believe I will, but I can’t make such a guarantee. I made that mistake when I was within three months of celebrating my 22nd sobriety birthday. It was NOT a suicide attempt, and I didn’t use alcohol; but the reasons for doing it were the same, and the result was the same. In that case, I can’t blame my loved ones too much for being concerned, especially now that life is becoming progressively harder and right now I can’t see beyond the chaos to a better day. But it must be out there…..and I have to trust that it is.

Amanda Bynes’s tweets and recent actions show that she is obviously not doing well.

In May, when the stories first were breaking that Amanda Bynes had done some “crazy” things, was arrested for DUI, and then was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, it prompted me to write “My Opinion on Involuntary Commitment and Conservatorships (For example, Amanda Bynes)”   There is a serious problem in our country that parents can’t get their children admitted if they are obviously mentally ill and in trouble. This was the case for Amanda’s parents. They had to wait until she was arrested and ordered to go to the hospital.

When stories kept coming out that she most likely had bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, I hoped that Amanda and her family would use their experiences to help others and  help to erase the stigma.

However, the total opposite happened.  Amanda’s mom, Lynn, denied that she had a mental illness like they were all ashamed of it.  They caved into the stigma and did not use her mental illness in a way that so many other celebrities have recently.

Instead, they contributed to the stigma like it was something to hide and would ruin her career.  Having a mental illness is not something to be ashamed of.  Dealing with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and other mental illnesses shows that your strength.  If they are trying to not ruin her career  maybe they should admit she needs help and for what. They could use  her mental illness as a platform.  If they don’t and she continues on this path, not only her career will be over, but her life could possibly be too.

Now that she is back in the hospital due to her bizarre behavior, does her mom finally get it?  We may never know the truth and since mental illness information should be confidential, maybe we never should.   I don’t know if her doctors were so incompetent that they could not see she had a mental illness or if her mom was trying to hide it and lied.  What I do know is that I am happy that she is back in the hospital where she needs to be.

Was she diagnosed and treated for bipolar disorder or schizophrenia?  Was she prescribed medications that aren’t working or is she not taking them?  Is she in denial?  Is she ashamed?  Will she get the help she needs this time or will she say it is because of marijuana why she has been doing strange things?  We might not ever know the answer to all of these questions if any.

Her mental health and medical problems should be confidential. However, when you are famous and do bizarre things, the public is going to speculate.  In my opinion, it would be better to be honest, proud, educate others, raise awareness, and get the help you need than to continue on the path she has been taking.  I hope the hospital keeps her long enough so she is able to get the help she needs.

Amanda and Lynn Bynes- Please don’t deny that she has a problem and make sure she gets treated so she can tell the world that you can recover from mental illness, there is hope, and that mental illness is not something to be ashamed of.  Denying that you have a problem, feeds the stigma by showing you are ashamed.  Use these experiences to educate others and let them know what the symptoms are of the various mental illnesses and where people can go to get help if they or someone else is exhibiting the signs of a mental illness.

 

 

 

 

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