Silence Of The Lambs is one my favorite books and movies. Right now, I’d be okay with Jame Gumb/Buffalo Bill skinning me. Let him wear this itchy uncomfortable woman dress today.
It’s like every nerve ending is on fire, but instead of pain, I am itchy and twitchy and the paranoia is in the stratosphere. I am doing a wondermous job of faking it for my kid but the fact is, I am one step from taking some sharp instrument and raking it across my flesh so pain will distract from the maddening allergy itch. The bug crawling thing is ass trash, too, but that has come with my last few antidepressants, like they agitate my histamine issue. Of course, the doctor denies the meds have anything to do with it. Whatever. Point is, in spite of 20mg loratadine I am climbing the fucking walls.
One doctor said it was stress epidermia or some shit, where I internalize my anxiety and it results in hives. Makes sense because my mom and her mom both had anxiety so bad they’d have red streaks running down their arms from clawing their own skin. IT SUCKS. It is enough to make one want a crazed serial killer to peel the skin off their bones to escape. I am sure Bex would peel my skin off, she is very helpful, but she’d keep me alive ‘cos she is a bit of a sadist. Buffalo Bill would rub the lotion in the skin then put me out of my misery.
Warped, aren’t I?
It’s just irritating to have the mood under control yet every sound and movement is setting off the anxiety receptors to the point I want my skin off of me because it won’t stop driving me insane with the itching.
I took a double dose of Xanax (which I rarely do, so this should indicate my desperation atm) so hopefully soon it will settle down. Sad when anti histamines won’t work but xanax will.
Though technically, I’ve never had actual xanax. I didn’t even know what people were on about when they talked about xanax bars. My crap ass insurance has only ever covered the generic which is allegedly the same. Who knows. I know Ativan and Klonopin are shit. And seroquel for anxiety is like putting a band aid on a gaping gushing chest wound. The doctor who did that to me should be sued for malpractice, I became an agoraphobic trainwreck because of her stupidity.
The sad truth is, short of being sedated by sleep, the only thing that truly works for massive anxiety like this is alcohol. Yes, I know, that’s bad, makes the depression worse, no solution, blah blah blah. Facts are facts. When it reaches fever pitch and I wanna claw off my own skin and am convinced something cataclysmic is about to happen without any cause to believe so…A trip to Mangoritavilla may be in order. Later perhaps. I am trying to tough it out.
Amazing how I went from fine to agitated as fuck to paranoid and anxious and itchy in the space of five hours. The cyling is starting up big time, where my mind frame switches minute to minute thus worsening the anxiety.
I thought watching Vampires Suck might be a distraction cos this movie is hysterical but alas, this is the anxiety beyond control.
Much as I am loathe to admit it, at these junctures, the REO Speedwagon song “Riding The Storm Out” comes to mind. Hate that song but how appropriate that title is for this shit. It is a storm and there is no early alert system. One minute your house is on the ground, the next minute you see a cow flying by and land in Kansas under a house wearing ruby red slippers.
Okay…This is better. The xanax is doing its thing, I am mellowing out. My ear is still itching and my mother drove it into the ground that it’s superstitious belief that someone is talking bad about you. That and an itchy nose means someone will call or visit. Not good for paranoia.
Thankfully, the volume on the anxiety is being turned down one notch at a time.
Normally, I’m all about the old Autograph song “Turn Up The Radio.”
Today, I wish the volume on my central nervous system would just be muted altogether.
Because Buffalo Bill is nowhere to be found and the potato peeler is kinda dull so skinning myself would just be like undercooked faces. Gross.
But Carlllll, that kills people.
Amazing how my sense of humor, twisted as it is, remains in tact through the worst of it. May be the only thing that’s kept me from going off the deep end.
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