…..are definitely NOT on the agenda for this weekend. My daughter, son-in-law, and the grands are coming for a barbecue tonight, and Will’s sister from Seattle arrives later this evening and will be here till Sunday. Then the two of them are going to the air museum tomorrow for an all-day event, while I’ll be visiting my own sister for her birthday. Sunday is church and football….and all I can think of is how glad I am that I don’t have to work on Monday.  I do have an appointment with Dr. Awesomesauce that day (as long as I don’t get canceled again!) but that’s more like a treat than an obligation.

Maybe I ought to listen to people when they tell me that not working at this time of my life is a GOOD thing. There’s no question that I’ve been more stable, even though everything around me is falling to pieces; under normal circumstances I’d probably be manic, and my anxiety would be off the charts. (Then again, what are normal circumstances? Being medicated and in remission IS my new normal.) I would also be driving Will up the wall with my constant worrying, fretting, and complaining, even if I were working and finances were not an issue.

I’m also beginning to see that our lack of money isn’t a fate worse than death. We’ve been poor before, but now that it’s just the two of us it doesn’t matter as much. I will miss our middle-class lifestyle, but at least we had it for a good number of years; and far better than that, we’ve still got each other.

I think maybe this is the lesson I am meant to learn, and the calming influence of medication and therapy is enabling me to be open to it…..that, and the benefit of having lots of time to think. I’ve been unemployed for almost five months—the longest I’ve been without a job since 1995—and I’ve needed every minute of it to begin to make sense of the situation. I look over at Will and thank God he’s still here, and that I have the time to be with him and grow with him as we fight our respective diseases. I couldn’t have done it with that last job I had…..not with all the travel and the late nights and the intensity of the work. So many things have happened with him during these five months that it would have been hell not to be close by. What if I’d been across the state when he got pneumonia, or when we found out about the blood clots in his lungs?

They say that there’s a reason for everything, and as more of the puzzle is being revealed I’m beginning to accept that God has plans for my life that may not be what I want, but what I need. I still have a lot to learn. Maybe this is my chance to get it right……after this weekend, of course. :-)

Migraine subsided today, felt half ass functional albeit irritable with no discernible reason to be.
The bad thoughts that accompany an abrupt low cycle are returning. People are taking advantage of you…You’re giving way more than you get in return…
It does sound a little borderline.
Though I’ve read nothing about borderline personality traits emerging only as a precursor to depressions, which is when this line of thought begins to occur.

And the mood spikes…Wow. One minute, I am fine, the next I feel furious for no good reason because ten minutes later, it has passed and I feel like I have whiplash because I can’t explain it. The only facsimile is when I was pregnant and flooded with the nutsy kookoo hormones.

There are days I hate my life because it’s so up and down, there is no norm, no happy mediums. Yet a couple of months ago, I was doing very well. Surely personality isn’t that fleeting, especially without outside catalysts. If it is, then I am beyond redemption.
Which I refuse to believe. No matter what some doctor and their diagnostic manual say.

Mood crashed.

I’m like Icarus. When I am up, I fly close to the sun.
And inevitably get burned.
But, like a phoenix I rise out of the ashes that are myself.

This whole disorder is an epic bucket 0f fail.
People want to prove how far they are willing to go and how hardcore they are…screw the ice bucket challenge.
They should take the bipolar bucket challenge.

Okay, so last Sunday I had a massive melt down. I mean stomp on the ground, ball up my fists, slam doors, scream at the top of my lungs meltdown. I didn’t really see it coming and I certainly was … Continue reading →