Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

The best brains spin the most. (Derren Brown)

Yeah and of course the spin cycle is a sign of stuff bipolar people have to guess and second guess and fight and medicate and regret. It is not a simple matter. In fact, it’s throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. Subthreshold symptoms (hypo/mania doesn’t have a prodrome the way psychosis does – yet another factor that makes management fucking tricky) can be the most productive you’ve ever been and the most fun you’ve ever had. Alright, so apparently it’s all too much, too intense, but when your point of reference is you (and regarding emotions, what else could it be?), then finding out that it’s actually disordered is, to put it bluntly, shit.

The process is not easy and for those of us with ptsd and hell behind us, it’s bizarre. Suddenly, instead of fighting self loathing and battling for self esteem, it’s perfectly ok to launch into Mao-era style struggle sessions (self criticism sessions). Brutal, baby.

The I have/I am bipolar dichotomy rears its slippery head again. So much of who I am hinges on who I am when I’m hypomanic. And now I am medicating it and I fear it. It’s all blahfuckingblah perky on the surface, innit? Don’t fret! Bipolar is manageable! Yeahhh … successful medication changes worlds from colour to greyscale and frequently murders the creative spark. The alternative is an incredible amount of very real pain (the type of pain that I wish people with no mental illness would stop fuckingwell saying they can relate to, because they fuckingwell can’t. It’s like heterosexuals who demand pride marches of their own).

The bipolar is manageable bandaid eh? It actually isn’t, it’s treatable. Something incurable with possible remission and built in relapse, ain’t manageable. It’s as predictable as the sea or a pissed off lion in a cage. If bipolar got managed immediately after diagnosis, the last deep emotion any manic depressive would feel, would be grief. Because after that, the meds take the edge off. That might sound fine to you if you’re a baseball bat, but it’s soul destroying when you’re a sword.

Let me tell you about heartache and the loss of god … (Jim Morrison)

I don’t have a nice, neat solution and you don’t either. I don’t think there is one.

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