Had some stuff happen last night that kept me up late. So I am tired today!! I realize this post is going to ruffle some feathers, probably. I don’t mean to do that or take anything a way from a single person that struggles.
This post is also not directed at or inspired by any single person or group of people. It’s just some of my thoughts.
It’s funny how what I’m about to write may very well confirm my narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis. (That’s a funny thought for some reason). :-)
Anyway, I wish there was a way that I could kindly explain to people what it feels like to be diagnosed with a mental illness when there is no good reason for me to have one. I understand that the mind is an extremely unique and complex thing and every individual is different. But it’s easy to understand how someone that has had some kind of trauma would have a hard time functionally correctly mentally. I believe what we experience affects our minds in ways that we may never know. And especially for children, the mind does what it has to to survive.
I say that only to say that I didn’t have any of those things. I have amazing, loving, caring, giving parents. My sisters and brother and I fought as kids, but we are fairly close as adults and we stay in pretty regular contact. I wasn’t beaten, or molested, or raped. There is NOTHING in my past that someone could point to as a cause for my mental issues. That is very frustrating for me.
I know there is a debate about whether you are bipolar or have bipolar, but honestly for me I AM bipolar. It is part of me, it isn’t something that was caused or started with trauma or a crappy childhood. It is a part of me, I have lived with it most of my life. And while I have been able to make it work (I know I am incredibly lucky in that part) I still struggle and have done things that I truly believe I never would have done if this wasn’t a part of who I am.
It makes it very frustrating to figure out if it will ever be able to be fixed. You see my thoughts have issues, yes!! But I’m not generally a negative or debby downer person. I am generally upbeat, at least in my thoughts and what I try to put out there. But I spend much of my time not actually FEELING that way. And there is a difference.
I don’t think I’m better or worse than anyone else out there. I know that I was blessed to have the parents I did that taught me how to behave and how to deal with some tough things in life. I was surrounded by good friends and people that loved me, even when I seemingly didn’t deserve it. I do believe that there are some differences between mental illness that is reactional and mental illness that is truly has some form of genetic source. I’m not trying to upset anyone here. And I don’t always know how to explain my thoughts very well. Sometimes they are so big and outside the box, I can’t even get a complete rasp on them( boy those conversations make my husband crazy).
I just think that if you have spent most of your life learning or teaching yourself everything you know, and/ or you have also had trauma it changes all the components involved in small ways. If a person was never taught how to control their anger they have an anger problem. Having an anger problem doesn’t automatically mean you are mentally ill. Maybe you just need to learn more control. Too many people want to make excuses. And too many people want to give blame away instead of really look at themselves.
I know that many many people don’t fall into this category, but let’s be real. If we pretend like it doesn’t happen then we aren’t being truthful in our fight to stamp out stigma. I mean how can you fight the stigma without acknowledging that people throw mental illness diagnosis’s around like they are candy. And the truth to me is also that people who are truly mentally I’ll fight like mad. They want to get better, they want to learn new things and about themselves. They are honest, even when it’s hard and they just want other people to take a moment to try to understand.
It’s too bad that SOME people are so unwilling to do personal inventory and grow that they use mental illness as a scape goat for bad choices. I for one wish that I could make myself do what I want to do, and get rid of my thoughts as simply as changing the toilet paper. Too bad it’s not gonna happen and I’ll have to continue doing the work and educating myself so that I can learn to be more healthy, even though there’s really no reason that I am unhealthy in the first place. Ugh!! It’s a never ending cycle in my head
Until next time….be blessed!!!!
