Daily Archives: September 8, 2014

Whoo, That Smell!

Well I was able to get a solid hour of sleep last night, GO ME!  

With a new day here and a manic gleam in my eye, I’ve pledged to do something today that I haven’t done in a bit…..shower.  Yup I know, scowl in disgust, its cool.  I’ve grossed myself out as well.  Its been about a week since I showered last because I just can’t muster up the energy to go through the motions.  Every time I look towards the bathroom and think about it, I’m just overcome with a wave of exhaustion and I tell myself I will do it later.  

I know I’m not the only one out there that has put it off, which brings me a little comfort.  To my disgusting credit I know I am not walking around stanky.  How do I know this?  I make my husband funk check me.  Wow, I cannot believe I’m sharing this.

Well there you have it, my funky little secret.

The Magic of Showing Up

Collage art, Greeting cardsI figured flying to England and back would give me a cold.  And I thought the spotty sleep over there mixed with the inevitable drop in adrenaline might bring on depression.  Check and Check.  What I really hoped for, though, was magic.  Alas, no.

I hoped a break from this weird job I started in July might help me see a clear path.  Stay or Go?  Jump in with both feet and start setting up mental wellness support groups?  Or resign and look for a position with less chaos, less pressure, less ambiguity?  You’d think leaving the freaking country might shift one’s perspective, throw a little light into the shadows, turn the fire up under the subconscious, but no.  I’m still sitting just as squarely on the fence, the pros and cons equally balanced.  I’m still in this Neither/Nor space—not able to fully commit, but not able to back away.

Sick and depressed, the impulse is to quit, crawl back into my safe, old life and nurse myself back to health.  But, I don’t know if going back is the answer.  I’ve spent the last two months pushing my Distress Tolerance envelope, and now I have this new space around me.  When the impulse says, “Run!” I can actually take a step back from it and answer, “Wait.”  And when I do that, the emotion and the thoughts settle down, and I simply show up for whatever is in front of me.  Sure, I could take this skill back to my old life, but I’ve had a taste of more.  I can have more if I just wait and stay present.

Yesterday, I felt too funky, physically and mentally, to meet my friend, but I also knew it would be good for me to get out of the apartment and into the sunshine.  So, I went.  Allison and I get together to write, which is always good, and to connect, which is even better.  We sat in our booth, doing our thing, aware of the noise in the booth behind us—two very young mothers with their combined litter of small children eating lunch—when it suddenly got very quiet.  We had heard the bonk of a little head hitting something hard and anticipated the bawl that would follow.  We both turned and saw that the baby was choking.

Allison asked the mother if she needed help, and she rushed the toddler to our booth.  I picked him up without thinking, and started doing the Heimlich.  One.  Two.  Three.  Four.  Out flew a wad of chewed food.  And he started crying.

The mother grabbed him and the whole crew went back to their booth.

I looked at the baby crying in his mother’s arms.  I looked at Allison.  She looked at me.

“I’m glad I showed up today,” I told her.

I believe in synchronisity and looking for lessons in the moment.  But, this was a little much.  My legs felt like jelly as I walked to my car.

Just Show Up.

Well, I asked for magic, didn’t I?


Dreadful sound of early morning birds

Over the years of sleepless nights, I have done many things to keep myself occupied, always watching the clock, feelings the anxiety build up that I have lost yet another night of sleep. The one thing that sticks with me is the sound of early morning chirping birds. The sweet song that should bring a smile on my face actually fills me with dread and anxiety, like a clock tolling on an hour that will crush me.

At this moment, I’m wondering how good my aim will be from my living room window to that fucking morning dove taunting me across the street.

**disclaimer – I would never actually harm an animal**

Shit, I’m in the thick of it

Well, after my husband just came downstairs bewildered that I was still awake and working on my laptop, I rattled off a slew of word vomit.  I couldn’t believe I just said so many things in such a short period of time and what the hell was I even talking about?  At that moment, I realized, Shit, I’m in the thick of a manic episode.  

Well that’s just great.  Can’t take a klonopin now because it’s 3am here and my kids will start waking up in 3 and a half hours.  And when the hell did this happen!  I was fine this afternoon, trying to muster up enough energy to go pee.  Just like that BOOM.  I am suddenly aware of everything. 

No wonder I got lost in a WordPress rabbit hole.  Had I become so excited to feel a therapeutic sense by reading other peoples stories, thoughts, and feelings?  Thinking about it and as you might now, thinking about something, in fact many things, isn’t a problem for me right now, I think I know the trigger.

Today, my husband took our kids to see his family at his parent’s house.  I avoid going to his side’s family functions at all costs.  They aren’t a fan of me (long story but finding out I am Bipolar didn’t help).  My husband has OCD and Major Depressive Disorder.  He is on Disability through Social Security because his OCD is so debilitating.  His family thinks it is something that he should just suck up and move on from.  He came home really depressed and I can tell by his face that something had happened to make him feel lower than he felt when he left home.  Of course, my mother in law steered conversation into my husband getting a job and that he really needs to start looking for work, which sent him into a panic and a bunch of other emotions that follow it.

Now I am left to take care of the mess she made, again.  I don’t consider my husband a mess but being his support person, I feel like its my responsibility to help him get on the right path.  While I spit out uplifting things, I fought the urge to call my mother in law and lose.my.shit.  His family refuses to acknowledge this as a disease.  They refuse to educate themselves.  They think, oh he has OCD, he needs to wash his hands and keep things in a certain way.  Being particular and being OCD are two very VERY different things.

My husband is a slave to his spiraling thoughts.  The most insignificant thing will fester and grow until it is in the darkest place you can imagine.  All the while being weighed down by gut wrenching guilt for feeling the way he feels and that he is letting his family down.

I am very much a mama cat, fuck with my family and my tea kettle of anger starts to bubble over.  I take a walk, smoke far too many cigarettes, tell myself it will just make my husband worse and come home.  I put the babies to bed, my husband was fast asleep. With my mind racing I jumped online and the next thing I knew, it was 3am.  

My hearts racing, my minds going, and I’m thinking about all the things I need to do RIGHT NOW.  So far so good, my ass is planted on the couch, with my laptop that is burning my thighs (note to self, look into laptop cooling pad).  

Here’s to hoping this passes sooner rather than later.

To KNOW or not to KNOW. Is that even a question?

Until now, I never how much someone can change incan instant. When someone says something around other people that they wouldn’t usually say…

Is that something to look into?

When out of the blue someone tells others and you something they have never told you personally, should you be concerned? How well do you know someone?
This can relate to mental illness because most people…hell majority of people don’t know about my mental illness. They see the mask I put on. So, is it okay to never tell your deepest darkness secrets to the one you love?

Is it okay to do something you hate for the sake of love/commitments?

Have I?

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Sad, Mad, Glad

Last night I went to bed sad and I woke up sad. I hate that. I went through a gazillion moods as usual. I can’t wait to talk to my shrink about the mood stabilizer. Hopefully using it and the Latuda together will work. I am willing to go through all the old school ones that I’ve tried before. Always gotta keep trying right?

I drove out to the lot again today it makes me feel good looking at my future. It seems to pick up my spirits. Just going outside in itself seems to make my mood better. A while after I step back inside again I start feeling negative emotions and it drives me fucking crazy.

I’ve been painting a lot though, almost have a few more done, I liked to work on several at a time. I have big plans for one of them but it’s a secret until I see if it works out or not ;)

Things will get better, they will get better… Still breathing.

Almost forgot I hit 200 followers today, that is pretty thrilling!!!