Death isn’t so bad

I mean what does it matter if I keep going or not. Nobody cares to talk to me…..My man said, “Stop saying that shit.” But I didn’t and he went back to his computer games. What the hell do I do anymore? Some people claim to know what I feel and I am sure they think they do but this is getting to be overwhelming. I just want to sleep it away. I just want to be done with this struggle. DOne struggling with finding the right words that won’t freak others out. I say, “It will pass” “It is just the weather” “I am just over reacting” “It is only because I didn’t sleep well” “I am sorry to have bothered you”

I mean that is what this is…..me forcing my words of woe into others heads. People in my life are sick of me and I know it. I see it in how they ignore what I say and just keep talking about their own choice of topic. I send I text message and there is no response to the topic but merely a new line of conversation started. Have I become mute to those around me. And then there are the ones who can fix me….I didn’t even know they were doctors. If I just lose weight and get off some meds I will be whole again. Funny….but I thought I tried that 6 years ago and ended up trashing our apartment and taking part in risky behaviour. I am not going to kill myself but the idea is there and a plan is forming. But it is only that, a plan. I will be here a week from now trying to encourage others not to succumb to the feelings I have just spoke of. Who better to say don’t do it then someone who has been there. But also……what a relief it would be. Where is my blessed hypomania….where is my depression. I am just flat.

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