Oh my goodness I almost never get up this early. But after I woke up like 5 times during the night I made myself get out of bed. I know, I know, you’re thinking 745 isn’t that early. For me it is. My husband has gotten up with the kids most of the time for a while now, and with our youngest being 9 we have recently started allowing them to get themselves up and ready and out the door to catch the bus. So this morning my husband is still in bed and I sit on the couch.
I just want to close my eyes, but I know if I do that the rest of the day will be messed up. It’s starting to make my head hurt trying to determine what is part of the illness and what isn’t. My husband and I have been going to counseling for a few months now, and while I love our counselor, they have some different views on mental disorders that somewhat bother me. Anyway, that’s a different story. I really need someone to help me figure out what is going on. I am constantly watching myself and trying to determine what I am feeling and if it’s within normal range. That is going to drive me absolutely crazy if I can’t get a handle on it.
I decided to wait until next week to start seeing a doctor because the one I found in town that was accepting clients has been on medical leave this summer and is just coming back. It was a major blessing to find him and know that I wasn’t going to have to wait months or drive 45 minutes to see someone. But still I’m ready for next week to be here, and I’m ready for whatever comes after that.
There are so many things that overlap. That may or may not have to do with my disorders. Then compound that with being 33 year old woman and you add the hormones in there as well. I will literally shut my brain down some days trying to figure out what is coming from where and how I’m ever going to get a handle on all of this stuff.
Then I was reading through the report on my diagnosis yesterday and it hit me, HARD! that the second diagnosis I got was Narcissistic Personality disorder with borderline and negativistic features. Whoa!! Wait a minute!!! That means I have features of someone who is BPD. Although, not the worst thing ever I know. It was still a moment where I reeled out for a second thinking of what the impact of that means.
So I looked some stuff up last night, and as has become common pretty much sounds like me. Things that I have always done and thought. They aren’t me. They are this, these, illnesses. The sad part about this is that I really don’t think I feel different. Sure, I’ve always felt out of place and kind of in a world of my own. But I seriously can not understand how the way I have always been is wrong. I KNOW that it is true. I’m not dumb, by any stretch, I can see that it’s true. And I can acknowledge that fact. But I don’t get it. I am so overwhelmed. And the more I find out the more it kind of freaks me out.
I guess maybe that’s why I’m not sleeping well. I’m a little nervous about next week because I want to be DOING something, not waiting even longer to start putting a plan into place. And I’m driving myself crazy trying to figure out all this information and look closely at myself so I have the answers, like yesterday. I know that probably isn’t good for me. But it’s like I need to move on. I need this to be over.
Well, good luck there right cause that’s not gonna happen. Anyway, thanks so much for reading my early morning not even really awake rant.
Be Blessed today and have a safe Labor Day Weekend!!!