Daily Archives: August 29, 2014

Between “Blah” and “Yee-HAW!!”

This mild mixed episode has got to go.

It’s not anything I can’t stand. It’s not at all like those horrendous mixed moods I have every now and again that make me crazier than a shit-house rat. This is just a generalized weirdness where bouncy and amused alternates with down and irritable, and I’m sick to death of it.

I want to stay bouncy and amused. I want NOT to be down and irritable. Mostly, I want to find that sweet spot between “Blah” and “Yee-HAW!”

And then I remember what happens to me in the latter part of the summer: I get bored, restless, and a little bit depressed. You can practically set your watch by it—in late August, the angle of the sun’s light changes subtly and makes my brain go “aw, dammit, winter’s coming”. (I think I’ve already established that I loathe winter.)  Now what’s REALLY odd is that I tend to get hypomanic in the early fall, when it’s crisp and cool in the mornings and the sun is still warm in the afternoons. Right now, however, I’m experiencing a taste of both mood states, and it’s confusing the hell out of me because I don’t know from one day to the next which way my mood will swing.

Take yesterday. I was in a great frame of mind in the morning despite Will’s (very) recent setback, listening to peppy music and handing out sage advice to my fellow posters on a nursing forum. But by early evening I was questioning why I need to continue to exist because I’m no good to anyone, seeing as how I can’t work a normal 40-hour week like everyone else. (Yes, I know it’s convoluted thinking, but we’re not dealing with logic here.) I feel SO sorry for anyone who deals with ultra-rapid cycling every day of their lives…..just this little taste of it makes me yearn for the normal mood cycling I experience the rest of the time.

I’m not particularly worried about myself. This is merely unpleasant, and I want it gone NOW. I see Dr. Awesomesauce in another week and a half, and I have the feeling he’s going to ask me to try reducing the Zyprexa again. He really doesn’t want me to stay on two anti-psychotics forever, and that’s probably a good thing. I could use a little more of a boost in the energy department, although the last time I tried decreasing the Z I wound up getting seriously depressed instead of manic. Who knows….it’s a different time of year, and perhaps this time it’ll do the opposite.

Of course I know what’s driving this, and that’s my life situation, which is both distressful and confusing. Who wouldn’t be a little screwed up? I think it stands as a testament to the success of my treatment that I’m not completely out of my skull…..I’ve been made crazy by a lot less. In fact, I wouldn’t worry about this particular episode at all, if I didn’t recognize the subtler signs that it is indeed somewhat bipolar-related. Not every symptom is. I’ve gotten a lot better at discerning what’s BP versus what’s just the bullshit life serves up.

But this time, some of it IS my disease and I find myself longing for the passion and fire of hypomania. Not mania itself, because that is destructive and never ends well; I just want to feel really good again, and for longer than a day. Is that too much to ask?




If moods were part of the color spectrum

I got to thinking earlier…It’s difficult to explain moods to those who don’t experience the severe ups and downs of bipolar disorder. Maybe if it could be simplified by colors it would be better understood. (I’m a dreamer, I know.)

Rainbow colors- the euphoria of a full blown manic episode

Neon pink, purple, blue, green, yellow, orange- the hyperfocused energetic productive hypomanic state

Sky blue- subdued and calm

Dark blue- calm before a mood storm

Baby pink- mellow and loving and affectionate

Hot pink- hypersexuality caused by mania

Orange- hypomanic chattiness

Green- apathetic

Tye dye- high mood with lack of focus or productivity

Olive green- depressed mood with no reason

White- spaced out and blank

Yellow- genuinely cheerful and up with no mania

Crimson red- sudden mood shift into anger without any particular trigger

Purple- mood not high or low, nerves calm

Gray- that in between place after a manic high and prior to a crippling months long depression

BLACK- the color of the depressive abyss where everything is hopeless, awful, and you are hateful, sad, pissed off, and want to die…but you don’t know why

Brown- the point where the black has permeated you so completely you entertain notions of ceasing to exist…and it makes you feel giddy
I don’t know how to explain it any better than that.

I’d say tonight I am in the purple zone.

I’ll take it. Much like rainbows being elusive, so are the colors of the mood spectrum in how long they stick around.

The Dreaded One Year Anniversary Is Here

Today is the one year anniversary of the dissolution of my marriage. I have no idea how I feel today. I do not mean depressed or manic as those are mood states that encompass many other emotions. I am definitely not … Continue reading

Moving. Done.

Yes I fucking did it!! I moved!! My shit is all stacked in storage about 77 feet high. If there is ever an earthquake I’m fucked!! Right now I am sitting on my Mom’s couch writing this. Her poodle Beau is on the loveseat. He only comes in for random snuggles. My Mom is in the next room, speaking French on the phone. She must have called a relative in Canada. I am going to stay Friday-Saturday-Sunday with my Mom and Dad, Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday with my oldest sister and her girlfriend, and Thursdays with my second sister. Until October 31. The day I hitch up the wagon and set off for Florida. A mere TWO THOUSAND MILES AWAY. This should be an interesting ride.

So I’m off to finish the cleaning of my place. The movers who were supposed to come yesterday between 8 and 9 am came at 1:30 pm so that gave me plenty of time to clean like a Ninja!! I have a hella long list of cleaning tasks to do to make the place perfect. You KNOW I’m going to get that deposit back, bitch! So that fucker will be perfect. $1350 ain’t nothin’ to sneeze at. I have a really bad back so I go in and work work work and then I have to stop and ice the back. And then..more. And more. But I made a significant dent in my perfectionist monster list of shit to do yesterday. Ooooh wouldn’t it be GREAT if I finished it all today? Now that’s a sexy fantasy. I’ll keep ya posted.

I’m going to buy some of those naughty high sugar high caffeine feels like cocaine energy drinks to try and muscle through the day. I also have bananas over there (for some reason I find bananas to be very energizing) and POP TARTS, pure junk. Oh well I guess I better start my day… I wish I had real cocaine. Just for today. Or adderrall. Ahh the drug addict in me salutes the drug addict in you. Have a groovy day.

Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Moving, Psychology, Reader

is it really morning?

Oh my goodness I almost never get up this early. But after I woke up like 5 times during the night I made myself get out of bed. I know, I know, you’re thinking 745 isn’t that early. For me it is. My husband has gotten up with the kids most of the time for a while now, and with our youngest being 9 we have recently started allowing them to get themselves up and ready and out the door to catch the bus. So this morning my husband is still in bed and I sit on the couch.

I just want to close my eyes, but I know if I do that the rest of the day will be messed up. It’s starting to make my head hurt trying to determine what is part of the illness and what isn’t. My husband and I have been going to counseling for a few months now, and while I love our counselor, they have some different views on mental disorders that somewhat bother me. Anyway, that’s a different story. I really need someone to help me figure out what is going on. I am constantly watching myself and trying to determine what I am feeling and if it’s within normal range. That is going to drive me absolutely crazy if I can’t get a handle on it.

I decided to wait until next week to start seeing a doctor because the one I found in town that was accepting clients has been on medical leave this summer and is just coming back. It was a major blessing to find him and know that I wasn’t going to have to wait months or drive 45 minutes to see someone. But still I’m ready for next week to be here, and I’m ready for whatever comes after that.

There are so many things that overlap. That may or may not have to do with my disorders. Then compound that with being 33 year old woman and you add the hormones in there as well. I will literally shut my brain down some days trying to figure out what is coming from where and how I’m ever going to get a handle on all of this stuff.

Then I was reading through the report on my diagnosis yesterday and it hit me, HARD! that the second diagnosis I got was Narcissistic Personality disorder with borderline and negativistic features. Whoa!! Wait a minute!!! That means I have features of someone who is BPD. Although, not the worst thing ever I know. It was still a moment where I reeled out for a second thinking of what the impact of that means.

So I looked some stuff up last night, and as has become common pretty much sounds like me. Things that I have always done and thought. They aren’t me. They are this, these, illnesses. The sad part about this is that I really don’t think I feel different. Sure, I’ve always felt out of place and kind of in a world of my own. But I seriously can not understand how the way I have always been is wrong. I KNOW that it is true. I’m not dumb, by any stretch, I can see that it’s true. And I can acknowledge that fact. But I don’t get it. I am so overwhelmed. And the more I find out the more it kind of freaks me out.

I guess maybe that’s why I’m not sleeping well. I’m a little nervous about next week because I want to be DOING something, not waiting even longer to start putting a plan into place. And I’m driving myself crazy trying to figure out all this information and look closely at myself so I have the answers, like yesterday. I know that probably isn’t good for me. But it’s like I need to move on. I need this to be over.

Well, good luck there right cause that’s not gonna happen. Anyway, thanks so much for reading my early morning not even really awake rant.

Be Blessed today and have a safe Labor Day Weekend!!!


I’m still battling a multi-day migraine, but I wanted to post a review on the second Counter Culture Coffee I tried, which would be Rustico. I found Rustico to be a much “easier” drink than Equilibrium. There were less tangy notes, not to say that Equilibrium wasn’t good, it just had a less sour taste. I found Rustico to be smoother, with a more pleasing body. The aroma, again, was wonderful and it had a great aftertaste. Overall, I’m impressed with both coffees I’ve tried from Counter Culture.

I again freshly ground the beans, but went with my Hario V60 pour over to brew. I have found through all the coffees I’ve tried so far that they all taste better with a pour over brew. It’s definitely an  option to look into if you are serious about your coffee.

I’m also pleased to see that Counter Culture offers decaf options in their coffees. As a bipolar migraine sufferer, too much caffeine can trigger either a manic phase or a migraine, so I have seriously been looking into cutting back on the caffeine, without sacrificing flavor.

Again, if there are any coffees my readers love, let me know! Email me or comment below!


Filed under: Coffee Snob Tagged: coffee, Counter Culture Coffee, review, Rustico

How to be a good friend to someone with bipolar disorder


This. This is some of the things I’ve wanted to tell my family, but haven’t had the words for it.

Originally posted on The Prozac Queen's Court:

(I’m publishing this again because I found a new resource that I think will be *immensely* helpful, both to you and your friend. Thanks to Healthline.com for bringing this to my attention!-PQ)

Hi, I’m [river in Ireland] (*cue twelve-step group greeting here*), and I have bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression. To people who have known me for a long time, this isn’t usually much of a shock. Actually, I take that back. People who have known me and been close enough to have seen some rough times aren’t usually that surprised.  As for everyone else, my friendly and talkative exterior can hide pretty much anything I want it to.  I’ve had to use this skill a lot in the past because I have had some people find out that I have bipolar and not be very nice about it. I think my favorite comment was that I was…

View original 2,327 more words


Darkening once again ... Why the hell am I so fragile?


Batcaving: Kwee and Bex speak for retiring to individual bedrooms for the evening.
I’m getting a little nervous because I am batcaving earlier and earlier and more and more.
I wanna think it’s because I like using my desktop and it’s in my bedroom. And overstimulation does wear me down so space and alone time are necessity.
But it feels a lot like A.) seasonal affect disorder driving me “underground” and making me retreat into myself.
B.) my anxiety from dealing with the petri dish has me so shaken I feel the need for the protective cocoon of my room.
Neither are good signs.
And I am sick of being told that my fears are simple pessimism. After 30 years of seasonal affect…i know the signs well. And i think even if I am fighting it with all my might…it’s gonna happen anyway. My fear is justified. And I am surrounded by idiots.

I’m hanging tough but I feel the earth starting to tremble beneath me. And after last year’s 8 month depression from hell…I am scared to death.

Nausea, Anxiety and Relief

I went to the chiropractors and 15 mins later I walked out and was feeling some relief. He explained my chest muscles are stronger then my back muscles and it was making my neck and body all off. He cracked the shit out of me. I thought he was gonna spin my neck around as he made it make sounds that I didn’t know it could. He showed me some exercises to work on my back muscles and stretch my chest muscles. I don’t need to go back until I have been doing the exercises for a few weeks!

I went out to breakfast with my mom in law afterwards it was nice and we had a good time conversing and joking with one another. Then we went shopping at Walmart and I bought her these cute solar mushroom shaped lamps for her birthday plus the exercise things I needed. There was no anxiety, it was very relaxed.

When we came home I was more relaxed then I had been in a while and I did some painting then just played around on my iPad chilling, going for a short walk then playing on my iPad some more. We decided the three of us would go to chilis and mom and I drove there to meet hubby and all was still good. We went in, ordered drinks and food and then I started feeling a little nauseated. I am having some drainage and I made the mistake of ordering strawberry lemonade without having any acid reducer. I just stated worrying about throwing up. As a lot of you may know being sick in public is one of the things I am most terrified of.

Needless to say that it started an anxiety spiral and the rest of the meal was ruined for me, I am still feeling kind of gross but hopefully it will calm down. Plus I start my Xanax tonight so that’s about it!