Daily Archives: August 26, 2014

Same S#!+, Different Day

My sleep is getting screwy again. The past four nights I’ve been awake well past midnight with racing thoughts, trying to calm my mind with prayer and meditation and failing utterly. Then I can barely get out of bed in the morning because my brain does not have an OFF switch and my ruminations continue all night, even after I finally do fall asleep. I can’t win.

It’s not that I’m going to bed later. No, I’m still sticking with the script and hitting the sack by 11:30 PM; I just can’t go to sleep at a decent hour despite the ingestion of three major tranquilizers at 9 PM. I also wake up briefly at least once or twice a night, so basically I’m in bed for eight and a half hours but only getting six or seven hours of sleep. Not that I need more than that, it’s just the irregularity and the fact that I can’t seem to quiet the cacophony in my head that’s making me a little wonky.

I’m so conflicted over what to do about my life. I want to work and contribute to society as well as keep Will and myself off the streets, but in the dark of night I have to admit to myself that I don’t know what kind of work I can do anymore. I am SUCH a stress-monkey and I can’t think of a single line of work that doesn’t involve stress of some kind. I do know that I gravitate toward jobs that involve working with people and trying to solve their problems, and those are probably the worst types of jobs I could go for. But what else IS there?

I have the disability papers from my attorney. They’re still in the envelope on my desk, waiting to be signed so the process can begin. I’ve taken them out of the envelope several times, but haven’t gotten my head together enough to sign them and send them off. I don’t know exactly why I’m having such a hard time doing such a simple thing. I guess it’s just that to me, signing those papers means I’m giving up, and I’m just. not. ready.

Maybe it’s like some of my family and friends say, that I think I’m steadier than I really am. Dr. Awesomesauce also said as much at my last appointment. But while they are certainly more objective than I am—and they often see things I don’t—I can’t make myself believe that. Maybe I’m still in denial about my capabilities. Maybe I’m just stubborn. I don’t know. The only thing I know for certain is that I hate, hate, HATE this situation and I’m angry with myself because I need to do something quickly and still have no real idea of what that should be.

Same shit, different day. I’m still holding out hope for that county job, but I’m beginning to suspect that working with people and getting sucked into their dramas may not be the best idea after all. Maybe I just need to work on an assembly line someplace, like I used to do in the way-back days when I was young and restless and full of ennui. There wasn’t enough in the work itself to occupy the intellect and I got into quite a bit of trouble by pulling pranks, but the mindlessness could be exactly what I need right now.

Or, I can sign those papers and hope for the best. Maybe if I do that I’ll be able to sleep at night, knowing that I’ve at least crossed ONE thing off my to-do list. You know what they say about a journey of a thousand miles and all.




I’m excited to review Counter Culture Coffee’s Equilibrium today. I want to state for the record, I am not a professional coffee taster/sampler/cupper/roaster/barista. I’m simply a coffee fan looking for amazing tastes. I plan to blog about the coffees that really stood out to me.

Counter Culture Coffee has so many awesome blends and varieties of coffee. It was nearly impossible to pick two to test out. I heard a lot of buzz about Equilibrium, and I also purchased Rustico  (which is next on my review list). First off, Counter Culture is a great resource for all things coffee, They are committed to responsible, sustainable coffee sourcing and to great variety and quality in the coffees they feature. They also have impressive resources as far as learning about coffee, and offer classes on roasting, brewing and more. Subscriptions to the coffees are available and you can also purchase wares and equipment. In short, Counter Culture Coffee is moving fast up my list of favorite coffee companies.

Now, on to the coffee itself. I brewed a single cup of Equilibrium after grinding the beans. The beans had been roasted shortly after my order, so I had great fresh beans to use. I brewed with my Aeropress and tried the coffee without any cream or sweetener (though I never use any kind of sweetener). Equilibrium’s notes are fig and tangerine, and you definitely taste the tangerine on the sour tastebuds. It’s not offensive or too sour, but you definitely get the notes. The fig comes in more on the aftertaste, giving it a smooth finish. The aroma of Equilibrium is ideal and the mouthfeel (a weird coffee tasting term) is great. This was definitely more sour than what I am used to (overall I don’t care for sour tastes) but the fig helped balance it out and a bit of creamer made it more palatable to me. In all, Equilibrium is a tasty coffee with unique flavors that make it stand out from other brands. I am looking forward to trying the Rustico as well as several other choices on Counterculturecoffee.com!


Filed under: Coffee Snob, Uncategorized Tagged: coffee snob, Counter Culture Coffee, Equilibrium, flavor, review

Assessment balls-up

Oops, it wasn’t today at all. That was my 12 year old car’s MOT test. Psychiatric assessment is tomorrow.

Obviously an easy mistake to make.

Hopefully it’s a good sign that the car passed without any work needed, for the first time ever.

Memoir Writing Workshop

This week was the 7th class for my memoir writing workshop. The class meets every Monday in NYC (from July to September) for 10 weeks from 7pm-10pm.

In the class we have been working on the components of memoir writing: description, characterization, setting and pacing, and dialogue. We do free writes and read model texts to see the concepts in action.

We also bring our own writing. Each week two people bring 5-15 pages of their writing to be work-shopped. We discuss what worked well and what didn't. We discuss what confused us or pulled us in.

I will have my work discussed three times. The first time I used excerpts from my blog. When I first started blogging I assumed I would turn the blog into my memoir. But after hearing the feedback from my classmates I have decided not to take this route.

In my first writing (the excerpts from the blog), my classmates said it sounded too WebMD. Ha! They said that it needed more storytelling. Their assessment is accurate. That is the tone I wish my blog to have: educational and informative. But I want my memoir to feel like a story.

In my second writing, I submitted ten pages about my first and second hospitalizations. I strove very hard to turn the tales into stories. Judging by the feedback from my classmates, I succeeded. They asked for more elaboration in parts. So I'll work on continuing to flesh out the action.

I have three classes left. And I have to submit 5-15 more pages. I'm hoping to incorporate the feedback I received.

If you are interested in writing, I would highly suggest you join a writer's circle. I cannot stress to you enough the importance of getting feedback on your work.