Daily Archives: August 25, 2014

Edgy

It’s 94 degrees and I am pretty sure we are dead and this is hell. My sweat is sweating. Hell, my bone marrow is sweating. And now that I’ve gotten the obligatory midwest “bitch about the abysmal weather” part out of the way…
Today has been uneventful. My mood’s held steady, unlike yesterday when it just went into rapid freefall without a trigger.
No, today, the anxiety has been at play with my brain. Creating paranoia and tension, stirring up suspicion and fear, wreaking havoc on my mental state.
My car is in day three of being broken down. Fine, I have my mom’s car so I’m not afoot. But it cost fifty bucks for a tow, which my dad paid, and will no doubt hold over my head for all eternity.
Then I have to rely on R to get the parts and fix it, which will cost me my soul or what’s left of it.
I am grateful I have people who care enough to help out, I really am.
But I despise being indebted to anyone because people simply cannot be trusted to take an inch when owed an inch. Nooo, they want a mile or more. You bought me cigarettes so I owe you a kidney? Um…no. You bought me a car part so I must be at your beck and call the next three years?
I don’t think so, Tim.
The storm is brewing and the anxiety is amplifying everything, telling me nothing is free, people don’t help for no reason, they want something I’m not going to be willing or able to give.
My dad already screamed at me this morning, “Don’t fucking panic on me!”
Um..panic disorder, duh.
I’ve not heard a word from R and I figured I’d at least hear him complaining about fixing the car. This sets off panic receptors and makes me dig through my mental recesses for something I did that may have pissed him off. Because it could never be something benign in my fucked up head, like he’s busy or it’s too hot to work outdoors. Nooo, I must have done something to bring the silence on.

I hate my brain.
Perception counts, and if faulty wiring makes you perceive things incorrectly…You’re running on wrong information and heading for disaster.
Unfortunately, they don’t sell “lucid thought” at Wal-Mart.


Wild Ride

Riding like a madwoman across my own eyes. Dreaming. The dragging, damp weight sweet with sweat ...

Greening May

BJ tells me the days are getting longer; you can actually taste it. She's opened all the windows, and the little gray house has breathed out the stale of winter.

I’m Lonely It Sucks

Today my husband went back to work. Mom in law went back to watching the niece and nephews and the house is quiet and lonely. I don’t know that I will be able to work or volunteer but I would like to have interactions with people instead of always waiting for someone to come and visit or come home from work.

It makes me sad that i need to be with other people so much. I mean I think it is wonderful that I dont want to shut myself off with my crazy. I want to share. It’s one of the reasons that I blog. The loneliness is hard though. It makes my heart ache. I wander around trying to push myself.to keep myself busy.

I went outside and it made my eyes tear up as I heard the slight hum of someone mowing their lawn in the distance and it made me crave small talk. Hows the weather? What did you think of the storm last night? Are you looking forward to fall? That sort of thing.

I did do a painting today, I rather like it!

photo (1)

 


Moving Sads

Oh my am I SAD about moving out of my place!!! I am having a hard time working through the sadness. Part of me thinks I’m almost ready to move, and part of me is panicking about how much I have to do before Thursday to be ready to move. And all of me is sad, sad, sad about giving up my home. Jeeeesus this better be a good decision!!! I am filled with apprehension. Ok, back to packing and purging . . .


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Depressed, Bipolar Disorder, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Poem

I haven’t said, but I am a working poet and a novelist.

I wrote this haiku more than 30 years ago:

I cannot cry. There is no
tear big enough; it
would flood the world.


Poem

I haven’t said, but I am a working poet and a novelist.

I wrote this haiku more than 30 years ago:

I cannot cry. There is no
tear big enough; it
would flood the world.


Hunkering Down

HUNKER Dictionary.com defines “hunker” as: to hide, hide out, or take shelter (usually followed by down): “The escaped convicts hunkered down in a cave in the mountains.”   Now, I’m not an escaped convict, but on Tuesday I’ll be hunkering down in a … Continue reading

True Blood WTF

I’ve watched it from th beginning. I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve read every book and whole the show has gone to complete shit the last few years I was so disappointed how they ended it. I won’t say how because I don’t want to ruin it for anyone but omg it sucks hella balls.

Today has been interesting I am conspiring applying to work at michaels. I’ll see if this is a manic episode. I am feeling creative and I am wanting to do a lot of things but I don’t know if they are me. I love creating don’t get me wrong. It’s the other things that I want to do.

I am gonna see the chiropractor because I don’t know how I am gonna feel emotionally until I am feeling better physically. Fingers crossed I get in Tuesday as opposed to Thursday cause I am in sooo much pain..

Why does TV suck so much dick lately? Just saying.


Treading Water

I haven’t given up. Life is just overwhelming lately. And tomorrow I face a challenge that was a major contributor to my most recent breakdown. I keep on keepin’ on.