Daily Archives: August 23, 2014

High Hopes

So I had my job interview yesterday, and let’s just say it was an interesting experience. The people I interviewed with were very nice and I felt reasonably comfortable with them; the room we were in was small and intimate; and I didn’t even make any wrong turns in the maze that was the inner sanctum. But the questions were harder and more complex than any I’ve ever been subjected to, and they made my interviews with the State look like a cakewalk.

Bottom line: I don’t think I did very well, although I thought the same after that second State interview, and we all know how that came out. I may be a bit of a bumbler sometimes, but I’m not stupid, and when they kept coming back to why that last job didn’t work out, I figured I was sunk. If I could’ve kicked myself under the table, I would have, because all I could think of to talk about was that damnable computer program I couldn’t learn to save my life. Not that I never felt like I belonged there or that the job involved more travel than I’d been led to believe, just the difficulty of learning the software and memorizing reams of information.

However, the tone of the interview remained upbeat and positive, and they were upfront and honest about what the job entails. They also mentioned that there was a full-time nursing position open, but I told them (gasp!) that I wasn’t interested. I’m kind of proud of myself for that, because even a few weeks ago I’d probably have gone for it in spite of knowing what I know about myself and my inability to deal with that sort of stress.

The problem is, this job is going to be equally stressful, and the interviewers were brutally honest about that. There’s the multi-tasking and constantly changing priorities, and I’d have to be very detail-oriented and deal with families going through extremely difficult circumstances. NONE of which I’m good at, except the latter…..my whole career was spent taking care of people in crisis, and I did it well. The two things this position has going for it are a) it has regular hours—no overtime, no nights, no weekends—and b) I don’t think I would EVER be bored. I also wouldn’t be holding anyone’s life in my hands. But…..

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!

I’d had such high hopes for this job. I’ve decided that working in mental health just might be the right fit for me, but I can’t take the risk of losing my own marbles while I’m doing it. Even Will was adamant about my not accepting the job should it be offered: “No, you know you can’t do that, you’ll only end up getting sick again and this time it might be worse. Besides, you know what Dr. Awesomesauce would have to say about it.”

That’s true. I DO know what Dr. A would say about it, and I don’t want to hear it. Although I’m in a good recovery, it wouldn’t take much to upset the apple cart and I know that. My stomach is knotted up just contemplating what such an undertaking might do to me—I’ve been through it so many times already, why do I even THINK about butting my head against that wall again?

Because I’m desperate. Because I want to save my home and my way of life. Because I want to prove to myself that I’m stronger than my illness.

Is it so wrong to want to try again, even though I know what the outcome would probably be? Or am I still in denial about my limitations?

To be continued…..

 


Celebrity Gossip Obsessions

I have a confession to make. I am super-addicted to celebrity gossip. I read TMZ, People, Us, and the E! page several times per day. And I have to tell you what I think are the most useless and idiotic celebrity obsessions:

  1. The Kardashians. Total trash that began with a total trash sex tape. Documenting every moment of their lives with cameras. Guess what? They’re still trash.
  2. Celebrity women’s asses: What is this obsession with asses? It all started with Kim Kardashian’s mutant bulbous disproportionate double-bubble ass. Now Nicki Minaj is milking her ass for all it’s worth in a new song. All kinds of stars are photographing their asses in bikinis. WE DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR ASSES!! FUCK YOUR ASSES!! COVER YOUR ASSES!! HAVE SOME SHAME!!!
  3. TMZ uses the most disrespectful and misogynistic language with regard to celebrity couplings. They are constantly speculating about who is “Banging”. SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THE BANGING TALK, TMZ!!!

OMG. This little rant has made me feel a lot better. This shit has been on my mind for a long time. Maybe I need to take a little break from the celeb gossip. Yeah. I do. Ok. I may and I may not. Peach out homies. And fuck you, Kardashians!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Ass Obsessions, Bipolar, Celebrity Gossip, Fuck The Kardashians, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

This Bitch Called Change

I am in the process of packing up my house and moving everything into storage. I have the movers coming on Thursday the 28th. In the meantime I have been packing like mad and moving as much as I can to storage myself, to try to minimize how much the movers have to do. I’m a little ahead of the game here and I already packed all the dishes and moved them to storage. I forgot to leave out a coffee cup which kind of bums me out. I am drinking my morning coffee out of one of those big plastic cups with a lid and a straw that you get when you’re in the hospital. Somehow it’s just not as satisfying as drinking out of a favorite coffee cup.

This may sound shallow or idiotic but I really am attached to my “things”. Practically everything I own has a story attached to it. I was telling my sister yesterday as we packed, this coffee cup was our Aunt Joann’s (who died tragically immediately following a lung transplant), and this coffee cup was a gift from another Aunt, and this paring knife was actually my sister’s in COLLEGE over twenty years ago!! I still have a nightshirt that my Aunt Mary (now deceased) gave me about 25 years ago and I still wear it. I still have a long-sleeved t-shirt my brother gave me for my birthday about twenty years ago. Still wear it. I’m a sentimental fool. So, my point is, I’m going to miss all my crap when I put it in storage for God knows how long. When will I have my own home again? That thought scares the shit out of me.

I’m planning on couch-surfing with different family members until around November, at which time I will run away to Florida. I’m trying this novel idea called “Let’s Skip Winter And Not End Up In The Looney Bin”. I really really hope that being away from the Colorado winter allows me to hold my shit together and stay out of the hospital. The last two winters I had several stays in the bin. There are just so many unknowns attached to this plan. Although I believe it’s a good idea, I’m afraid. I’m trying to look at it as an adventure. Fortunately I will have you, my lovely readers, to go along with me. I’ll keep you posted as to my progress.

Have a wonderful weekend and GO BRONCOS!!!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Go Broncos, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Moving Is A Bitch, Psychology, Reader

Therapy Animals: Service Animals And Family Pets

Since I have been on a rather serious posting binge, I thought I would write about something more positive than depression and suicide and substance abuse: the therapeutic value of both specially trained “service” animals and/or the family cat. The … Continue reading

What I Miss About Being Manic

For those who aren’t bipolar, being manic sounds like a damn good time. Feeling euphoric, inflated self-esteem, long periods without sleep, increased sex drive, and increased drive to achieve goals. Who the hell wouldn’t want that? Mania may sound great, but all the things that sound wonderful can come with consequences – sometimes very serious […]

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