Daily Archives: August 15, 2014

You Don’t Know What You’ve Got Till It’s Gone

I’ve had time now to reflect on both the game-changing appointment with Dr. Awesomesauce and the death of Robin Williams, and between those events and my chronic worries, I’m feeling sort of, well…..squirmy.

It’s hard to describe, this restless, inwardly agitated sensation; it’s not depression, and it’s certainly not mania. In fact, it doesn’t really have anything to do with my illness at all. I just feel like I’m on the precipice of some major alteration in the course of my life, and I don’t know what to do with the accompanying emotions.

Don’t worry, I’m not contemplating anything foolish, like dinking around with my meds. Far from it. I got that out of my system in my last post, and I apologized if I scared anybody. A dear friend of mine told me that sometimes I do scare people when I talk about certain subjects, and all I can say is, by the time I get to writing it down the danger has usually passed, and sometimes I’ve even figured out how to handle whatever prompted it. Even the times when I talk about death, it’s basically only a thought that I’ve let out for a little stroll…..and believe me, if I’m talking about it, I’m not going to do anything about it.

I think I am going to file for disability though. In a way it feels like I’m giving up on myself, and of course there’s the discomfort about living off the taxpayers…..although as more than one person has pointed out, I’ve paid into the system for 35 years. I’ve gone so far as to contact an attorney who specializes in disability law, and she thinks I should get benefits fairly easily because of the combination of physical and mental problems I have. She’s being realistic in that most people are denied the first time they try, and said it will probably take quite a long time to see a check; but there’s no question in her mind that I’m disabled enough to qualify.

I’m not sure how I feel about that. In one sense, it’s a relief because it validates my experiences with my illness and the world of work, which have not meshed well despite many, many tries. It also acknowledges that my physical issues (including aging) are a big factor and that I shouldn’t be expected to do strenuous labor, in nursing or anywhere else.

There’s only one problem: it feels like defeat. I have always prided myself on my ability to keep going in spite of my weight, my arthritis, my bipolar. No matter how much it hurt or how hard it was, I just kept pushing myself. But even though I’ve reached a place where I don’t have much pushing power left, I’m still in denial…..I keep thinking I can do it, and that if I simply take myself by the scruff of the neck and make myself do it, everything will be OK.

Then I bump up against the reality—again—that there are limits to what I can do, and it will not go well for me if I keep trying to exceed them. That’s what my mind says; my heart still wants to go back to the way things used to be, even though I know life will never be quite the same again.

No, we really DON’T know what we’ve got till it’s gone. I just hope that whatever replaces my old life will be OK. I’m afraid to ask for more than that.


Gene Simmons says depressed people should kill themselves

Okay, first off. I read the comment Kiss bass player, Gene Simmons made, and I think to a small extent, it has been misconstrued and amplified.

Saying anyone should just kill themselves, depressed or not, is an idiotic thing to say for someone whose fame puts them before an audience of millions. Many of whom are fans to the point of idol worship. Many who may have a mental disorder and hear this and think, he’s right, I suck, I’m gonna do it. TEENAGE fans, especially.

The backlash, in light of the death of Robin Williams, by suicide brought on by depression, is looking very swift for Mr. Simmons. To say something so incredibly ignorant and insensitive, then have the nerve to Tweet about the tragedy of William’s death makes Simmons an even bigger asshole than I could have ever imagined.

I’ve liked a lot of Kiss music since I was a kid but I honestly never liked Gene Simmons. I only watched “Family Jewels” because I liked the way his family ripped on him and let him know he’s not the god he thinks he is. I figure, don’t have to like the person to like their talent.

In light of this most recent ignorance, as well as the hypocrisy, I think I can safely say I won’t be able to listen to Kiss ever again without this tainting the music for me.

You’re entitled to your own opinions. You may disapprove of “depression” like it’s a character weakness. But to encourage suicide makes you one of the most ignorant people to roam the earth even if your intent wasn’t entirely malicious.

This goes to show that no matter how much talent, fame, money, or business acumen one may have…It doesn’t cure ignorance and it doesn’t give one empathy, compassion, or a conscience.

It is my sincere hope that more backlash accompanies this whole thing and that it negatively affects Mr. Simmons’ career for a very long time.

Also, if anyone who’s a fan and actually commits suicide because of what he said…I hope the families sue him and take even the fillings out of his teeth.

We need education on mental illness, not ignorance on a grand scale to spread further.

If you or anyone you know is feeling suicidal, PLEASE take a moment to think and call this number. 1-800-273-8255. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of and it does not mean life is hopeless or not worthwhile. Talk to someone.

It doesn’t matter what you have going for you. Depression is an equal opportunity destroyer and it is a legitimate illness. Robin Williams’ suicide following a bout with serious depression proves this.

The stigma of mental illness will never entirely lift, if we, the mentally ill, don’t speak up and educate against ignorance. Don’t let society shame you into believing it’s just your personality or you’re whining or lazy.

Let’s take back our dignity and speak out, loudly. Eleanor Roosevelt once said no one could make you feel inferior without your permission. It’s time those of us with mental disorders heed that and stop feeling ashamed.

(Reblog this, please, or write your own post on the topic, in hopes we can spread the word and maybe save a few lives. I myself was pretty close to the line between living or ending it many times and it was a chance helpful post that made me rethink and keep fighting. Spread the word, please!)

A Blessing In Disguise – Unexpectedly Cut Off from the Internet!

 The above photo of me & my girls was taken a couple years ago here in Squaw Valley.     Note to my readers – I’ve been out of town the past week with only a smidgen of internet access. … Continue reading