I went out of the gate running this morning. Got the kid her shots, got her registered, ran errands, came home.
Bex immediately went back to bed when we got home and she didn’t even venture into the dish. Worse, she witnessed family drama on Facebook (my IP address is so sullied) so in addition to returning to the UK it will be amidst that bucket of fail. I get her depression, her mood, her desire to just sleep herself to oblivion.
But then it also stung that she’s in there sleeping her last hours here away like not even the time we have left can help and even though her departure has me miserable as well…i’m not hiding or running, I am just coping.
Then she reached hour three asleep and I opened the wine. Fuck it, it’s happy hour somewhere. She has sleep, I get the numbness of wine. And I need it.
Last night’s kid birthday party at my mom’s was…As usual, the sort of ordeal that leaves me licking my wounds. But this time, it wasn’t all the people or chaos or noise. It was my mother. She made comments about how she heard I drink all the time and that’s wrong. I’m a tightwad like my dad because I pay bills instead of blowing it all on a birthday bash for my kid. Then I insulted the show Honey BooBoo which she apparently likes and she nearly severed my jugular with her verbal slashes. Jesus. I didn’t crumble, but she certainly got her digs in and left some trenches.
And while I don’t live or die by my vindictive nasty mother’s opinions, I do feel the weight of her NEVER having anything good to say about me. Nothing good comes out of her mouth in regard to me. Nothing. I can do no right by her. And while I know she loves me in her own limited dysfunctional way and her opinion is at best, suspect and tainted by her resentment toward my father and the fact I look like him, have many of his traits, and still have a relationship with him thus earning me top spot on her shit list….I still think I have earned a modicum of respect for at least sticking by my kid and doing my best for her in spite of our shit circumstances. i’ve raised a great kid thus far, pretty much on my own, and rather than kudos…I get comments like “Shame you couldn’t find a man who’d be a dad to his kid.” Like his failings are my fault.
This is why I speak to my mother maybe once a week. If I want to feel shitty about myself, I can do that on my own and be more objective about it, at least. The woman has an evil streak of mammoth proportions. I don’t want her venom infecting me or at some point turning my kid against me.
Ask me about my mommy issues…And I guess I have more than I thought. But it’s about the same with everyone else. call me on something I’ve done wrong, and it’s true, I’ll own it and even feel guilty. Criticize me for shit that’s not true or not my own doing..Yeah,it digs and burrows under my skin until it’s a psychological wound.
Combine that with Bex’s departure (even though she hasn’t been here mentally in a couple of weeks and while I get the necessity for the emotional withdrawal, I don’t fucking like it because it didn’t do anything but hurt me) and all the stress of my kid’s birthday and all the stuff needed for her to start school whle the financial stuff is still so tight….
I can feel myself falling into a depressive abyss.
This is situational so I may have a chance to fight it if I actually put forth an effort. Giving in is too easy. Avoidance is easy. It takes courage and strength to fight it.
I am NOT a wuss.
Now if I am still circling the drain in a month or two…Then I’ll know that’s the seasonal kicking in and I’m probably not going to win that battle. I’ll give it a hell of a fight but it is what it is.
This environmental thing…This I can stand up to. This I have a chance against. As long as I don’t wave any white flags simply because life isn’t going the way I want it to be going right now.
I guess that’s what I learned this summer. There is clinical depression and then there is situational depression. One you can fight with all your might and still lose. The other, you lose when you give up fighting. You become your own worst enemy by not even trying.
Life is sucky at this moment.
But the summer was amazing because I found my best friend in the entire world, the one person who seems to get me in every way, the one person i can live with and who can live with me. It took 12 years to get there but get there we did.
And it’s that I am going to holding onto and use as a shield and a weapon against the dark clouds circling overhead right now. This isn’t the end. This is just a new chapter.
now…I’m going to drink more wine and later I will probably have a good cry and tomorrow I will probably cry even more and possibly even chase after a Greyhound bus in denial laden screams…
It’s just the next chapter. Painful, heartbreaking, ass trash chapter.