Monthly Archives: August 2014

Flames Over the Atlantic

In a few hours, I’ll be winging my way across The Pond for my first British Adventure.

I can’t wait to meet my darling blog-friend, Evelyn, who has so graciously offered her hospitality and companionship.  Her eclectic knowledge and far-flung interests never cease to astound.  One look at her blog will tell you that.  We speak a wonderful language that I’m sure no one else can understand.  Part poetry, part trans-continental colloquialisms, part bipolar-brain, we delight in each other’s weirdness.  She was the first person to buy a card from my Etsy sight.  I feel like I’ve known Evelyn all my life.  Here she is with Fred (who seems to speak the same Irritated Cat language as my Henry).

Evelyn & Fred

Then, there’s that other piece of business I’ll be tending to while in London.  A bit of theater.  In the front row.  Agog.

For Hobbit fans, this soliloquy might ring a few bells.  Alas, poor Richard seems to be destined for the torch.  Is it any wonder I’m smoldering?

Evelyn has instructions to box up my ashes and ship me home.  I’ll send up a smoke signal when I get back.


What Next?

OMG. I really really really finished cleaning the FUCK out of my house. I guess I can’t call it my house any more since I just moved out of it. So I cleaned it so hard, it looks better than it did when I moved in! I hope like hell that the property manager guy does the right thing and sends me back ALL of my money!!

So I have a very “What Now?” feeling going on. I was so focused on packing, moving, and cleaning for the last few weeks and now it’s . . . Done! What next?

I am reading the latest issue of Vogue, it is like seven or eight hundred pages and weighs a TON and I think it’s injuring my arms to hold it up to read. Well not really read. It’s mostly advertisements. Mostly I look at it and go “What the FUCK? Who thought THAT was a good idea?” You know how they try to make really ugly shit look like it’s THE SHIT? Yeah. No. I don’t care what you say, Vogue, ugly is still ugly. But some of it is entertaining my brain. And then I think about how I used to sew and make my own clothes and have a sexy body and it’s like, Damn! What happened? I need to turn this shit AROUND!!! Maybe my “What next” is that I need to plot a COMEBACK to where I look and feel more like myself again. Maybe I will make myself my own little project.

Did you ever do that? I mean, with someone else? I used to date guys who were several rungs below me on the socioeconomic ladder (sue me, but I was wayyyyy better than them) and I would make the guy my improvement project. Clean him up, cut his hair, put him in some better clothes….but then he’d still be talking dirty out loud in the middle of a nice restaurant…or thinking someone was looking at him wrong and calling out across the fine, classy restaurant “What’s YOUR problem, BITCH?” Yeah that shit never worked out like I thought it should. Lots of attempts at putting lipstick on a pig. Mixed results.

Maybe I’ll have better luck at improving myself. Then again, I have been known to bust right through the appropriateness barrier at the most inopportune of times . . . Well fuck I can try anyway can’t I? We’ll see.


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Depressed, Bipolar Disorder, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Comebacks, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Moving, Psychology, Reader

I’m Such A Bitch

I am so grumpy. I’ve noticed all I have been doing the last few weeks is bitching about this or bitching about that. I’m surprised my husband can even tolerate me.

I’ve also been painting as you know I’ve finished about four so far and I’m working on three more, maybe more I’m just really enjoying it. I’ll post more pictures soon.
I do have a photo to post tonight that makes me giggle every time I see it as I think it is worded poorly, tell me what you think!
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I personally don’t want that big of a shot :p

Tonight I was also working on a piece of art which is a mix of two pieces I have done. I rather like how it turned out.
image

Anyhow I’m keeping it short, gonna chill with hubby and try to think positive thoughts. Only 5 more days until therapists. I’d go twice a week if I could!


Must See Video and Fitness Update

This most excellent song and video should be the Stigma Free National Anthem. From mental health, to sexual orientation, to dysfunctional families – she touches them all. The name of the song is “Secrets” by Mary Lambert. Below the video is this weeks Fitness Update. Why a Fitness Update on a Bipolar Blog? As I […]

The post Must See Video and Fitness Update appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Yeah…Sure…Why not…Uh huh…

That’s my mood today. My kid is yapping at me and it’s just…yeah…sure…why not…uh huh…
I may have just agreed to buy her a wood chipper I am so dazed at the moment.
This is a life hangover day. I was out in the dish five straight days. Functioning. Interacting. Trying desperately to be something I’m not: social. Others thrive on social interaction. It devours my soul and leaves me feeling embalmed and emotionally bankrupt.
It’s not so much that the people I have daily contact with are demanding or mean or anything of the sort.
This is just me. I have limited resources on a social level. I am so happy in my own little cocoon of solitude and living in my own head that having to step outside of it is a draining experience. To do it daily for five straight days, especially after my cat dying and my car basically dying…I haven’t really had a crash and burn and I desperately need one.
For me, sinking into a low mood with tears and misery is like a reboot for a computer. I need to purge it all then sleep then wake up and start over again.
And because my brain is a lot like Windows ME (migraine edition) running more than two or three programs simultaneously results in constant messages about system resources running low.
And there’s also a partition in my brain running Vista, which is incompatible with, well, life.
I NEED A REBOOT.
Uh huh. Sure. Why not. I guess so.
I am on auto pilot.
Most people fight having some sort of mental meltdown. I crave one.
Because mine usually don’t last long, it truly is just like rebooting a computer. Except instead of clicking on “restart” I have a crying jag, sleep it off, and start with a clean slate.
It’s often amazing how a simple reboot can make a computer function so much better. And my brain is the same way. As numb as I am today, as spaced out as I am…My brain is still on overload, running too many programs that it’s memory can’t handle.
(For some reason I have the voice of a Dalek in my head shouting REBOOT REBOOT REBOOT)
Hopefully this three day weekend will give me the much needed reboot I need.
Now…
I think I need to explain to a 5 year old that she really can’t have a tree chipper, mommy was just joking.


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Laura P. Schulman, MD, MA:

Clay seems to know my life…hey, maybe I’m not alone!

Originally posted on depression comix (WP.com):

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I’m Sorry, Should I Sell?

image Do you think this art is good enough to sell on Etsy? I have some other pieces done as well and I would love to be able to contribute to the house but I don’t know that anyone would really want to buy my art. Anyhow I welcome any opinions! Be genteel though.

On another note I’ve noticed that I apologize constantly for everything. Icing on my face, I’m sorry. Tripped up the stairs, I’m sorry. I’m hungry, I’m sorry. Having to pass someone excuse, oh I’m sorry. Always saying I’m sorry. I don’t understand it at all.
I’m so all over the place, I am definitely being 100% bipolar! maybe even tri or quadruple.. Ugh..


Hanging in thru the holiday weekend

Saw my psych doc today.  She’s concerned (no surprise) but since it’s a holiday weekend and I’ll be with people, wants me to hold out into next week and see if the med we increased makes a difference.  If I’m not at least plateaued by next week, she’ll switch me back to remeron — which seemed […]

Between “Blah” and “Yee-HAW!!”

This mild mixed episode has got to go.

It’s not anything I can’t stand. It’s not at all like those horrendous mixed moods I have every now and again that make me crazier than a shit-house rat. This is just a generalized weirdness where bouncy and amused alternates with down and irritable, and I’m sick to death of it.

I want to stay bouncy and amused. I want NOT to be down and irritable. Mostly, I want to find that sweet spot between “Blah” and “Yee-HAW!”

And then I remember what happens to me in the latter part of the summer: I get bored, restless, and a little bit depressed. You can practically set your watch by it—in late August, the angle of the sun’s light changes subtly and makes my brain go “aw, dammit, winter’s coming”. (I think I’ve already established that I loathe winter.)  Now what’s REALLY odd is that I tend to get hypomanic in the early fall, when it’s crisp and cool in the mornings and the sun is still warm in the afternoons. Right now, however, I’m experiencing a taste of both mood states, and it’s confusing the hell out of me because I don’t know from one day to the next which way my mood will swing.

Take yesterday. I was in a great frame of mind in the morning despite Will’s (very) recent setback, listening to peppy music and handing out sage advice to my fellow posters on a nursing forum. But by early evening I was questioning why I need to continue to exist because I’m no good to anyone, seeing as how I can’t work a normal 40-hour week like everyone else. (Yes, I know it’s convoluted thinking, but we’re not dealing with logic here.) I feel SO sorry for anyone who deals with ultra-rapid cycling every day of their lives…..just this little taste of it makes me yearn for the normal mood cycling I experience the rest of the time.

I’m not particularly worried about myself. This is merely unpleasant, and I want it gone NOW. I see Dr. Awesomesauce in another week and a half, and I have the feeling he’s going to ask me to try reducing the Zyprexa again. He really doesn’t want me to stay on two anti-psychotics forever, and that’s probably a good thing. I could use a little more of a boost in the energy department, although the last time I tried decreasing the Z I wound up getting seriously depressed instead of manic. Who knows….it’s a different time of year, and perhaps this time it’ll do the opposite.

Of course I know what’s driving this, and that’s my life situation, which is both distressful and confusing. Who wouldn’t be a little screwed up? I think it stands as a testament to the success of my treatment that I’m not completely out of my skull…..I’ve been made crazy by a lot less. In fact, I wouldn’t worry about this particular episode at all, if I didn’t recognize the subtler signs that it is indeed somewhat bipolar-related. Not every symptom is. I’ve gotten a lot better at discerning what’s BP versus what’s just the bullshit life serves up.

But this time, some of it IS my disease and I find myself longing for the passion and fire of hypomania. Not mania itself, because that is destructive and never ends well; I just want to feel really good again, and for longer than a day. Is that too much to ask?

 

 

 


If moods were part of the color spectrum

I got to thinking earlier…It’s difficult to explain moods to those who don’t experience the severe ups and downs of bipolar disorder. Maybe if it could be simplified by colors it would be better understood. (I’m a dreamer, I know.)

Rainbow colors- the euphoria of a full blown manic episode

Neon pink, purple, blue, green, yellow, orange- the hyperfocused energetic productive hypomanic state

Sky blue- subdued and calm

Dark blue- calm before a mood storm

Baby pink- mellow and loving and affectionate

Hot pink- hypersexuality caused by mania

Orange- hypomanic chattiness

Green- apathetic

Tye dye- high mood with lack of focus or productivity

Olive green- depressed mood with no reason

White- spaced out and blank

Yellow- genuinely cheerful and up with no mania

Crimson red- sudden mood shift into anger without any particular trigger

Purple- mood not high or low, nerves calm

Gray- that in between place after a manic high and prior to a crippling months long depression

BLACK- the color of the depressive abyss where everything is hopeless, awful, and you are hateful, sad, pissed off, and want to die…but you don’t know why

Brown- the point where the black has permeated you so completely you entertain notions of ceasing to exist…and it makes you feel giddy
****
I don’t know how to explain it any better than that.

I’d say tonight I am in the purple zone.

I’ll take it. Much like rainbows being elusive, so are the colors of the mood spectrum in how long they stick around.