So…Spent six days out in the petri dish of society. Today made seven, but we were only out less than an hour so I will concede to the six. It’s enough, I am crying mercy.
Today, in spite of a decent night’s sleep, I just feel drained. It’s not even a mood thing, I’m too tired to have a mood.My stomach is in knots because that’s just how I process stress, unfortunately.
We went to R’s last night. I wasn’t feeling it to begin with. Then we got there and two out of three daughters were there with their spouses so my anxiety was immense and intense. The middle girl I can handle. That oldest one…She just rubs me the wrong way. And it’s not that they’re mean to me or anything. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t relate well to those who consider themselves outside my class. (Evidenced by them both making derogatory comments in my presence about people who live in trailer parks.) Directed at me or not, the sweeping classification based on where you live infuriates me and turns me against those who make it.
The wine didn’t help much. I had a pounding headache and for the most part, I was enduring, not enjoying. I wanted to enjoy, truly I did. I am fine with R and his wife. But throw in 5 more people and I am at my social anxiety marker. 5 people, manageable. Ten people…living hell. Especially after living in the dish for six straight days.
Came home and tried to go straight to bed. Kid wasn’t cooperating. Eventually I just let her sleep in my bed because it became clear it was the only way I was going to get any sleep.I waved the white flag, what can I say. I’m weak.
I have done dishes, swept, folded laundry, put in more laundry, and I am going to change cat boxes and marinate pork chops for dinner. Beyond that, I am going to lick my wounds and assess the damage of high functioning to my fragile psyche. It kills me to think I did an eighth of what everyone else does daily and I am this tapped out. I don’t view myself as weak, but this makes me feel that way. But like it or not, high functionality takes a toll on me in the worst possible way.
Time to recover. Just in time to do it all again. Rinse, lather, repeat, ass trash.