Daily Archives: July 23, 2014

Mandangle

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Isn’t SPAM wonderful……..

 No, it’s not an acronym for anything other than unsolicited mail! Let me start at the beginning. About a month ago, one of my pals posted a ‘comment if you like my Facebook page’ on her status. (Yes, a bit … Continue reading

It’s not a mood change…it’s cognitive betrayal.

Each time I start digging around articles to give me some perspective outside of my own head about BPD, it’s shocking to me that anything over 4 or 5 cycles a year is considered Rapid Cycling BPD. I sometimes have more cycles than that in one day! I’m exhausted just dealing with my myself at the end of my day, not just oh let me sit on the couch for a moment to relax tired… But don’t even fucking talk to me, let me sit here and blink exhausted.

I also hate the term “mood change.” My mood didn’t change…my fucking brain decided it wanted to stop remembering things, mix up words, lose pieces of time and feel so agitated or suicidal it’s all I can do not to blow my head off at times, or take a handful of the pills that are supposed to help keep me level, just to make it all stop. It’s racing so fast and hard inside my head that it feels loud all the time, it’s days of not sleeping, it’s taking in too much because at that moment, I’m manic and capable. It’s isolating myself so no one has to deal with me like this because even I don’t want to deal with me like this. That’s not a mood. That’s a fucking cognitive betrayal. It’s me on one side and whatever is going on upstairs on the other and we are constantly battling. I feel so angry at all the places in my life this disease I can’t even see has affected. It’s a huge factor in my decision to not be a mother, part of why I’m still not “married” and why I had a total meltdown when I was trying to work and go to school full time years ago. It doesn’t care what my goals are, nor how hard I work toward them. It eats my brain however and whenever it wants. It’s maddening and embarrassing. It’s frustrating and debilitating. It’s not a fucking mood change…