(I did something to screw up the format of this post, my bad, I can’t be arsed to figure it out and fix it.)
My kid’s new thing is, “That’s not my favorite” (place to sit, food to eat, et al).
So I am gonna rip her off for this post’s title.
I got up bright and early today and showered. Then I went back to sleep, hit snooze six times, and overslept big time. Which put me into a panic trying to rush about and get ready to go to the shop. My mood was livid. I couldn’t think of a single good thing. It was like this dark cloud looming overhead and no matter how hard I tried to talk myself out of it, it lingered and enveloped and smothered me.
It’s the precursor to the seasonal depression, except the last couple of years it’s started kicking in months ahead of the old usual. Yes, there are a lot of stressors on the horizon that affect my mood. This goes beyond that. This is like poison flowing through my veins and brain, telling me everything is shit, nothing will get better. It’s an oppressive all encompassing sadness I feel to my bone marrow and I don’t like it. Sliding down the rabbit hole is the bane of my existence.
Nonetheless, I went to the shop and faked my way through almost 5 hours of multiple tvs running simultaneously, ringing phones, making calls, and being subjected to R’s “Watch this, this is amazing” youtube videos of Styx. I’m not a big Styx fan so it’s kind of grueling. And my brain just wasn’t in it, I made a couple of math mistakes on tickets and he asked what was wrong with me that I couldn’t do basic math. Well, when you’re sliding down the rabbit hole, it gets that way. My anxiety was brimming, my mood was low, and the fact I even got there was impressive to me. Every instinct I had wanted to trip down a staircase just to have an excuse to avoid the dish.
It got better after I picked up the “new” desktop, grabbed some groceries, and came home.
Now it’s slipping again.
Up, down, all around. Ass fucking trash.
I’ve thought for some time now the Lamictal simply isn’t doing what it used to but I am reluctant to speak up because this current shrink seems to be a bit aggravated with my medi-go-round routine. It’s not on purpose, ffs. I’d love to find the magic bullet combo and stick with it for life. My stupid brain chemicals don’t want to cooperate. It’s not personality. If it were, I wouldn’t run in cycles without regard to environment and stressors.
Problem to ponder another day.
Now I am gonna vegetate and see if my head will stop aching from all the tension bundling me up like a bale of hay.
Something I just noticed, because I am dense this way…
Mood is doom spelled backwards.