Daily Archives: July 19, 2014

Why I Blog Take II

I apologize to those who left comments earlier. I had some technical difficulties and wound up losing the entire post and the comments as well. Please don’t hesitate to comment again. I’m not sure what to say in my first post. It’s kind of like when people start in yearbooks or letters with “What can […]

The post Why I Blog Take II appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Deadlines

All too often, we put deadlines and restrictions on our lives, not even realizing that we are setting ourselves up to fail. We will make a to-do list 5 pages long and wonder why we feel no sense of accomplishment at even taking on 2 or 3 of the tasks.  Take a step back and think for just a minute about what you are doing. 

Have you spent so much of your life expecting yourself to fail, that you barely know what it is to succeed anymore?  What if that list had 1 single item on it?  You would feel guilty, wouldn’t you?  Worthless somehow.  I know those feelings all too well. 

Let me tell you a little story about a moment in time in my life.  Everything had seemed to spiral out of control for me.  My family life, my finances, my health, and especially my depression symptoms.  Those of you that know me well know that I am a clean person.  I generally clean my house every single day, and nobody is allowed in here if it isn’t.  OCD?  Yes…..probably, but we’ll save that for another day. 

About 6 days passed and I hadn’t cleaned the house not once.  I didn’t vacuum a room, I didn’t dust, and I barely even stacked the dishes in the sink.  You know what happened?  NOTHING.  Absolutely nothing.  My world didn’t come crashing down around me, my husband didn’t leave me, I didn’t develop a bug infestation, and life as we know it went on just as if I had been tending to those things all along.

It was like an epiphany for me.  Would I want it to go any longer than that?  Good lord no, but the fact still remained that all of these impossible deadlines I put on myself were causing me more heart ache and pain than they were causing me to feel a sense of accomplishment.  I have come to the realization that I can say to myself, OK…today is Tuesday.  Today, you will try to recuperate.  You will try to find your center and dig deep down for the energy you are so lacking right now, and the first thing you will do, is wash the dishes.  That’s it.  No more, no less. 

Should Wednesday roll around and I still do not feel as if I can get out of that bed and find the momentum I need, then I need a smaller goal.  We’ll reduce it to just getting out of bed.  There will be no guilt, there will be no one standing over you telling you that you are not good enough….that you are not enough, period. 

I can’t promise you that the blogs that I write will help everyone.  I am not a professional, I have no formal schooling, but what I can tell you is how each experience has worked on me, my own personal guinea pig. 

Do yourself a favor, until you feel stronger and more confident, throw the lists right out the window.  As I said at the beginning, you are setting yourself up for failure, and an even longer bout with depression.  Just give it a try. 

Why I Blog

I’m not sure what to say in my first post. It’s kind of like when people start in yearbooks or letters with “What can I say?” That’s always driven me crazy This blog will reflect my daily thoughts, random musings as well as a record of my struggle with bipolar and weight. I’m hoping that […]

The post Why I Blog appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

NOW What??

As if I didn’t have enough on my plate…..last night I started having belly pain on the right side which did NOT go away with the morning light, so Will insisted on taking me to the ER, as did my primary care doctor.

I don’t have a gallbladder or an appendix, so that rules out any condition involving those organs. I wondered about a kidney stone (which I do have, but is not the cause of this particular pain). After being treated to the full-meal deal (IV fluids, blood work, and a CT scan with IV contrast) the ER doc said there was nothing wrong with my inner workings, except for some good-sized cysts on both my ovaries. Next thing I knew, they had made an appointment for me to visit a gynecologist in early August, and I got to go home with a nice Dilaudid/Zofran cocktail (medicine for pain and nausea) with a Vicodin chaser. It still hurt, I just didn’t give a damn anymore.

Great. I haven’t been to a GYN in years and had hoped to avoid doing so ever again. Not that I have anything against them, I simply haven’t needed one since the end of my reproductive years back in my late 40s. Now I don’t know what to think. The ER doc said it’s not the usual thing for a woman past menopause to have these things, which is the reason for the urgency, but then I had them when I was still having periods so I can’t get too excited about it.

All I know is, this was yet another expensive trip to the ER that I’ll never be able to pay off, and God only knows what lies ahead. But for now, it’s one foot in front of the other…..and if I have to spend a little time in Vicodin Land while I’m trudging along, so be it.


im sorry

I haven’t been writing. I’m sorry.

I feel so disconnected with myself and writing.

I feel unknown.


Filed under: Ranting