I was hungover, my fault, fine.
I had mega cramps. NOT my fault. Total ass trash.
I didnt shower, I wore sloppy clothes, the bra I wore seemed to make my boobs look mishapen so I became very self conscious. My nerve endings were firing willy nilly making me itch and twitch and the paranoia was on high. I kept a wide berth between myself and others as if them being six inches away would result in my death. I faked a lot of smiles and chuckles and truthfully heard only half of what was said to me because the cyclone of dysfunction was in full tilt mode physically and mentally.
All the people and noise wore me to a frazzle. Four tvs running all at once on different channels. It’s unnerving. It’s also a lot like what my brain could be compared to. so many different topics firing off simultaneously that you can’t make heads or tails of any of them.
My knee I injured in a fall last week is now the size of a grapefruit because I knelt down to help hold a tv and of course…knelt on the bad knee. Labor hurt less than putting weight on this knee. It’s never going to heal at this rate and honestly, it’s freaking me out to look down and think, oh, wow, who planted a piece of fruit under my skin.
I’m a hot mess today.
I didn’t think I’d ever get out of there. (The shop, I have no segue going on here, I’m so fucked up.) The first couple of hours I could manage outside of cramps and brain cobwebs. Then the paranoia, anxiety, and overall feeling of being flustered and overwhelmed launched. Every minute seemed like an hour, every new task assigned a form of punishment. I was, in simple terms, losing it. And when surrounded by people who like to talk about you being crazy yet don’t accept that you have a legit disorder causing it, the last thing you want to do is come unhinged in front of them. Unsupportive people lacking empathy are every bit as bad, if not worse, than your worst enemies all lining up to trash you.
The bucket of crazy is definitely overflowing today.
I am finally home, showered, ice on my knee, and hoping soon my brain will calm down and recuperate. Ha. I handle barely a fraction of what others do daily and I need to recover. That’s fucked up. Makes me feel feeble and weak. I love how intellectual people will say, “Everyone’s mind works differently, we all process and learn in different ways.”
Yet if I were to say, “I need to recuperate from today” to those same people, they’d scoff as if I were insulting them because they’re high functioning.
I process differently due to an imbalance but it’s not legit.
Stick a fork in me, I’m done. Aim for the knee, maybe it will make that grapefruit go away.