Daily Archives: July 14, 2014

how…do i feel today…wish i knew

my shift keys aren’t working atm, so forgive the crappy punctuation errors.

It’s been…just one more day. Mood didn’t start out too bad sans some attitude from my kid. Went to the shop. Kenny was there. Then Robert. Then R’s stepson who hogged the computer to watch youtube videos which had me filling out tickets on any corner i could find.

ass trash. Too much activity, too many people. Throw in three, four tvs running simultaneously and it’s just inviting my brain to start bleeding.

R tied my exhaust pipe up so it’s not dragging. Got home. Went to go get cat food. Lower half of exhaust came loose and was dragging. GRRRRRRRRRR. So I got under it and wired it up with a coat hanger.

I’m just…a bit numb.

Had a non riveting conversation with Kenny today in which he told me depression is not real,it’s just an excuse for people to be lazy and not try. Then he said kids don’t have ADHD, parents just need to hit them harder and instill more fear in them. I tried to point out that no amount of intimidation or violence will correct a chemical imbalance. It’s no use, though, his mind is made up. Whatever.

I’m people’d out. No more.

Came home to an unimpressive report from Bex on my kid’s behavior while I was gone. Then the kid started in on me, rapid fire babble non stop, mouthing off. I found out she tried to punch one of the kittens because “I don’t like her” and about had a brain bleed.

How can this sadistic self centered little sociopath belong to me? I’m not this bad, I at least love animals and have empathy for people who are ostracized and oppressed.

But then again, it’s shark week and my hormones are out of whack and I am alternating between sadness and resentful anger.

Maybe that is why I’m not sure how I feel. The hormone imbalance distorts things and the bipolar amplifies it so…I don’t think even I know how I feel right now.

I just know I am…people’d out. Brain reboot time.


The Past


As children, we are always told to keep looking ahead to the future!  Your future is so bright, you have the world at your feet.  As adults, we find ourselves mired in the days of yester-year when things seemed so simple, and the biggest hurdle we had to overcome was whether or not we got to have our best friend spend the night. 

 

I often find myself wondering if we had known more about Bipolar disorder, or even just depression as a whole, would I have been able to prepare myself for what lie ahead.  Or would we have just done the easy thing, and swept it under the rug, comfortable in our denial of anything painful. 

 

I see myself now at 41 years old, and I have trouble looking back at my childhood.  Not because it was necessarily painful, but because I mourn for that smaller, happier, care-free version of myself.  We’ve always been told that being an adult isn’t easy, and believe me when I tell you that being an adult that is Bipolar is even harder.  I’m not asking for the easy way out of life, or special treatment, I am just looking for some kindness and consideration. 

 

If babies are born into this world with everyone standing around them oohing and aahing about how “perfect” they are, why on earth do we spend the rest of our days beating them down to have complete and utter lack of self-esteem, confidence, or any idea of what they could have become, had the world not gotten to them first?

 

As an adult, I still long for the summer time.  It reminds me of the days of no school, but you got up at 9:00 am anyway, and you didn’t care because all the other kids on the street were up too.  You went outside with your agenda for the day, whether it was soccer, or slip and slide, or playing Star Wars in your friends basement.  Those days were so long and blissfully happy. 

 

Suddenly, the world became a cruel and unkind place, because you were unlike the status quo.  You had a few extra pounds, and were larger than other kids your age, and because of that difference, you no longer fit into that happy go lucky, cookie cutter mold.  The irony of those days is that, while you spend the rest of your life living in shame because of those differences, you would give anything to go back to the days where you were just a few pounds heavier than the other kids.  What you’ve become is so much worse.  Perhaps you could have lived with yourself just fine, until people started to take notice that you weren’t as thin as the captain of the cheerleaders, or you didn’t have the same expensive clothes as the popular kids. 

 

I will always long for those days that started first thing in the morning, and didn’t end until the sun went down and the mosquitos came out.  I had a happy, memorable childhood, with a few exceptions here and there.  Now, I find life quite the opposite…..with a few exceptions here and there. 

 

 It’s an odd feeling looking back on your life with a sense of joy as tears roll down your cheeks.  I don’t blame anyone for these negative feelings I have towards myself.  I am the biggest part of the problem, quite literally.  I do however, wish someone would have sat down with me when the warning signs began, and said, “Look, your life is going to be a mess….quite frankly a living hell, until you get it through your thick skull that the path you are on, is the path of least resistance, and it will NOT work for you.” 

 

Perhaps I wouldn’t have understood it right then, but there would have been that A-HA moment in my life where those words meant everything in the world to me, and I would have just known.  What to change and what I needed to do to become the me I long for today. 

 

If I could sit down with little me, I would tell her, “You’re nuts.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you anything different.  You are absolutely insane, but there are people out there that will love you despite that.  You are smart, even though sometimes you won’t feel that way, you are beautiful, but I’m telling you right now, all that matters is that you think you are, not anyone else in the world…..but, do yourself a favor and eat more salads and exercise more.  Don’t ask, just do it.  And when you find that adorable, sweet, funny, kind, and good hearted man that will sweep you off your feet in his own little way, never, never, never let him go.” 

 

 


I bet I would have listened. 

Risky Behavior and Bipolar Disorder

The Problem – Risky Behavior One of the first things I learned when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder is that those of us who have the disease are more likely to pursue risky behavior. Some examples are excessive spending, gambling, drugs and alcohol abuse, unsafe sex and other sexual indiscretions, reckless driving, suddenly quitting […]

The post Risky Behavior and Bipolar Disorder appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

The Root Article

I'm published again!

This time in The Root, an online publication geared toward the black community. It was founded by Harvard University's Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

I wanted to be published in a black publication. But I haven't heard back from Essence or Ebony magazines so I'm glad to have gotten The Root.

You can read my article here.

The Busy Bee

Hello, lovely readers!

Funny how time slides by when you’re actually able to live in the moment. I have been, and demonstrated this to myself by taking over two weeks to respond to an email to my grandmother… whups. But can you blame me? I’m actually feeling decent, I’ve got an adorable pair of children, and yanno… happy. Scary that.

This is my room. It is cooler than your room. *nodnods*

This is my room. It is cooler than your room. *nodnods*

I’ve also had another big thing going on in the background the last couple of months — we’re moving house. A house came onto the market in February that we just had to put a bid in on… and we got it. We closed on it in May, and there’s been extensive renovations going on since then. But we’re getting near to the point where we can finally start packing things up and moving in — bliss. The heating and wiring were 50 years old, you see; both of these things had to be replaced. And then we decided that yeah, we were going to have to buckle down and get some decorating done. We never did with this place because really? We were already living here, and could not be bothered. We also knew that we wouldn’t be living here permanently, so outside of doing a bit of reparative panting on rusty bits of a few radiators and replacing the bathroom carpet with laminate, we’ve not done a thing. This place, on the other hand… we’re pretty sure this is our forever home. So we’re prettying it up and making it ours, and we’re all rather excited.

Too much cuteness <3

Too much cuteness <3

It’s also sort of exciting to me to know that I am finally done moving. I’m not sure quite how many times I’ve moved… twenty, at least. And living in this house is the second longest I’ve lived anywhere by a few months. Yeah, I know, a grand total of seven years in two locations; the longest after that was my apartment in San Antonio. When I was in the military. Yeah, let that sink in.

So yeah, lots of moves, very few blameable on the military, and just knowing that I am going to be settled in situ ‘forever’ is wonderful. I’m so excited that my children will have that stability, and that they will go to the same school(s) as their father. Maybe they’ll resent such a placid existence when they’re older, but whatever; on this, Mother knows best, and this is the best for my babies. Their risk of bipolar aside, stability is definitely something to cherish. We don’t build houses on rolling logs; we build them on solid slabs of concrete. Even the most adventurous want a good home base to return to, right? :D

As for me, I’m holding up pretty darn well. Mornings are hard, but older child permitting, I’ll hopefully manage to get a bit of me-time to wake up before she gets out of bed. I think that will help me hold up a bit more firmly in the face of the morningtime zombietude that Seroquel so lovingly grants (which I’ve mainly got contained, but it’s still a bit rough). I’m doing my best to be mindful of the probability of postpartum depression atop bipolar; while I certainly hope that it won’t happen, I’m choosing to be realistic about the chances of it happening. There are little spikes of depression and anxiety here and there, but they are mainly momentary and so far of no actual concern. As said — I’m mainly keeping busy, and happily so. I feel like a real girl with the helping around the house and actually being able to pay attention to my children, le gasp!

So yes, doing well, and I hope everyone else is doing as well as possible out there.

<3

The post The Busy Bee appeared first on The Scarlet B.

Images

The last two weeks have been busy! I’m feeling a little low the past couple of days so I took some time to observe things more graciously and simply to lift my mood. Here’s some highlights:

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My veggies are growing! They’re holding up well to the heat and I look forward to fresh salads and snacks soon! Great to see my work paying off!

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These gorgeous copper earrings were a gift from my sister. It’s nice to get little care packages from her, though she could send an empty envelope and I’d be thrilled.

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Off to find a new coffee shop in my neighborhood this week. We all know I love coffee but I especially love buying local and supporting small business. Hoping I find a new great place to enjoy.

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Love this mug! This depression that is coming in like a fog has darkened the joy I felt following vacation. Sometimes a simple reminder, like the one on this mug, can put a smile back on my face.

I’ve been reading on so many blogs about simplifying and appreciating what you have and what is. It’s something that is on my mind a lot lately and I expect to be writing more about that soon. Until then, take a little time every day to be still and be present!

Filed under: Self Discovery Tagged: home, life, mood, simplicity