I don’t even know how to describe my current mental state. low and frustrated, i guess. Becca is taking a bullet for me by playing candyland with my relentless uzi child and i am grateful. my mood took a severe nosedive at some point. there was no trigger. nothing changed, nothing happened, nothing was ingested, there wasn’t even a breeze.
It’s like tripping down two or three steps when your mood crashes like that. Without mood stabilizers, it’s more like falling down an entire staircase. Guess I should be thankful for a couple of steps’ fall. I’m really not, though. The whole point of this medication thing is to make me as asymptomatic as possible. Stabilizing for a day or two at a time doesn’t seem asymptomatic to me. Maybe i just can’t be pleased.
I’m sitting here, feeling like such a failure as a parent. I should be playing a game with my kid. Yet…the mood bottomed out so abruptly, I found myself sitting here in a hazed stupor staring off into space and pondering how pointless existence truly is. and there’s no shortage of people to confirm my own feelings of failure. Every time someone points out (even if it’s directed at my kid and not me personally) “Joe Schmo’s kid doesn’t act that way’…it’s kind of like a slap to the face. because what it means is I am a lousy mother. I make grown men shrivel and run away yet I can’t get a 4 year old under control.
But the way most get their kids to tow the line-intimidation and fear of physical punishment-don’t sit well with me. I don’t want my kid to fear me. And if she has to fear me to respect me, I guess this is my lot in life. I’ve done everything the professionals said to do (well, except that child counselor basically saying my bipolar disorder negatively impacts my kid, I mean, seriously, like I wouldn’t be rid of that albatross if it were choice.) Bex sees what I deal with with my kid daily. i’m at a loss. and while the dr and counselor scoffed, I still think there’s some sort of hyperactivity/focus disorder going on with the child. but my mom says that’s me transferring my reliance of medication onto my poor innocent snowflake.
I am just so defeated. I guess the kid knows she’s worn me down and smells blood in the water like a shark. Still I am consistent and I don’t back down and I take things away and ground her…Maybe the fear instilling parents are right. It’s just not who I am. I intimidate grown men, so what am I doing wrong with this child?
I’m whining, is what I am doing here. But venting is necessary and it’s almost like purging the stuff that’s poisoning me.
I don’t think I ever truly realized how hard parenting with bipolar was going to be. And I don’t think others without mental illness have a clue just how tough it is. I’m not asking for an award but it would be nice if at every turn my kid wasn’t allowed to skate for her behavior by it all being transferred on me being a bad parent. Maybe that’s not what they intend to do, but it’s how it feels. I’ve done exactly what I was instructed to do. Her cooperation is crucial but the child is intrepid when it comes to me or consequences to her actions.
“you let her get away with it.”
No, I don’t. I chastise, I ground, I’ve even been known to give her a swat on the butt. (Animal abuse is the one offense that I deem worthy of a swat.) I am not letting her get away with shit. Other than locking her in a closet without food, I don’t know what I haven’t tried.
Throw in these abrupt mood crashes into the abyss and honestly…all i want is some coke and whiskey to dull out all the self defeating and self flogging thoughts. It’s not a solution. Maybe it’s plain wrong.
But every cell in my body is screaming for it at the moment. I am hoping, like the mood, it too will pass.
I am just so fucking disgusted with everything.
Same shit, different day, different mental space tomorrow.