Daily Archives: July 7, 2014

I’M IN A FUCKING SHUTDOWN and that’s okay

I’m feeling word empty at the moment.

There is nothing I truly want to write again. I’m becoming kind of ANTI-The world.
No tv.
No writing.
No spending money.
No hanging out.
No nothing.

I have been stilling quietly for a couple of mins a day. I want to not think about things that have to do with people, or bullshit that doesn’t matter.

Like jobs
Money
The future
Bills
Expectations

I am getting extremely high, but taking my meds and making to do lists daily. I am just trying to find my fucking way.

I’m tired of my mind and my surroundings control me. Controlling me should be me.
:/


Filed under: Ranting

this mental space sucks

I don’t even know how to describe my current mental state. low and frustrated, i guess. Becca is taking a bullet for me by playing candyland with my relentless uzi child and i am grateful. my mood took a severe nosedive at some point. there was no trigger. nothing changed, nothing happened, nothing was ingested, there wasn’t even a breeze.

It’s like tripping down two or three steps when your mood crashes like that. Without mood stabilizers, it’s more like falling down an entire staircase. Guess I should be thankful for a couple of steps’ fall. I’m really not, though. The whole point of this medication thing is to make me as asymptomatic as possible. Stabilizing for a day or two at a time doesn’t seem asymptomatic to me. Maybe i just can’t be pleased.

I’m sitting here, feeling like such a failure as a parent. I should be playing a game with my kid. Yet…the mood bottomed out so abruptly, I found myself sitting here in a hazed stupor staring off into space and pondering how pointless existence truly is. and there’s no shortage of people to confirm my own feelings of failure. Every time someone points out (even if it’s directed at my kid and not me personally) “Joe Schmo’s kid doesn’t act that way’…it’s kind of like a slap to the face. because what it means is I am a lousy mother. I make grown men shrivel and run away yet I can’t get a 4 year old under control.

Stellar.

But the way most get their kids to tow the line-intimidation and fear of physical punishment-don’t sit well with me. I don’t want my kid to fear me. And if she has to fear me to respect me, I guess this is my lot in life. I’ve done everything the professionals said to do (well, except that child counselor basically saying my bipolar disorder negatively impacts my kid, I mean, seriously, like I wouldn’t be rid of that albatross if it were choice.) Bex sees what I deal with with my kid daily. i’m at a loss. and while the dr and counselor scoffed, I still think there’s some sort of hyperactivity/focus disorder going on with the child. but my mom says that’s me transferring my reliance of medication onto my poor innocent snowflake.

I am just so defeated. I guess the kid knows she’s worn me down and smells blood in the water like a shark. Still I am consistent and I don’t back down and I take things away and ground her…Maybe the fear instilling parents are right. It’s just not who I am. I intimidate grown men, so what am I doing wrong with this child?

I’m whining, is what I am doing here. But venting is necessary and it’s almost like purging the stuff that’s poisoning me.

I don’t think I ever truly realized how hard parenting with bipolar was going to be. And I don’t think others without mental illness have a clue just how tough it is. I’m not asking for an award but it would be nice if at every turn my kid wasn’t allowed to skate for her behavior by it all being transferred on me being a bad parent. Maybe that’s not what they intend to do, but it’s how it feels. I’ve done exactly what I was instructed to do. Her cooperation is crucial but the child is intrepid when it comes to me or consequences to her actions.

“you let her get away with it.”

No, I don’t. I chastise, I ground, I’ve even been known to give her a swat on the butt. (Animal abuse is the one offense that I deem worthy of a swat.) I am not letting her get away with shit. Other than locking her in a closet without food, I don’t know what I haven’t tried.

Throw in these abrupt mood crashes into the abyss and honestly…all i want is some coke and whiskey to dull out all the self defeating and self flogging thoughts. It’s not a solution. Maybe it’s plain wrong.

But every cell in my body is screaming for it at the moment. I am hoping, like the mood, it too will pass.

I am just so fucking disgusted with everything.

Same shit, different day, different mental space tomorrow.

Ass. Trash.


Fitness Update July 06, 2014

Why a Fitness Update on a Bipolar Blog? Over 80 percent of people with serious mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and major depression, are overweight or obese. This contributes to them dying at three times the rate of overall population. Therefore, I have begun this weekly fitness update for motivation. Motivation for those […]

The post Fitness Update July 06, 2014 appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Out of the texts of BFFs

Regarding mounting anxiety and cleaning avoidance surrounding the impending case manager visit in less than 12 hours, I reach out to a friend for reassurance:

“Well it lends to how you cope. Some people hyper clean when anxious. Some avoid simpler responsibilities while taking on and succeeding with unnecessary responsibilities. You take on Harvard classes but avoid laundry…every brain lets different things slide”

I never thought of it from that angle.


my American Horror story

***Forgive any typing errors, my netbook keyboard has issues and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

 

Today has been a lazy vegetative Sunday. Still recovering from last week’s sensory overload. we’re into season two of American Horror Story marathon. “Asylum” was disconcerting for me because it centers around how mental illness was viewed, and treated, fifty so years ago. Many viewed it as “excuse for sin’. the ‘treatments were abhorrent.’ it may just be a tv show but it is my understanding that it’s not inaccurate.

much as i find today’s mental health care lacking, I am to an extent grateful to live in this time period where the attitudes have shifted and an effort is made to help people get well instead of locking them up and writing them off.

my kid has had one of those whiny days where nothing i do is good enough. i have resorted to Mango-rita medication because my frustrating and anxiety are at fever pitch. Becca can attest that I have jumped through hoops trying to please the kid today, doing what she asked, and still being met with criticism. It wears you down, especially when it’s a daily thing.

My allergies are driving me insane. My body itches from head to toe and allergy pills are doing shit. Heat makes me itch, my own sweat makes me itch. It’s miserable. I try not to whine but it is what it is.

We are starting a new week. i can’t say I am particularly jazzed. Each week is one closer to bex’s inevitable departure. I don’t want her to go any more than she wants to go. We mesh, we complement each other, and it’s the most comfortable living situation I have ever had. August is bittersweet for me. She will leave but at last, my kid will be in school full time. I need the break but I am convinced the static schedule and a more structured learning environment will benefit us both. i hope.

(itch itch itch itch itch)

Spook was right in my path after having been told to move earlier and tripped me, I fell on my knee and now i have a scrape and two bruises. Again, not whining, it’s just the concept that she defied me yet again. I got hurt, and she started crying for herself. She didn’t apologize or ask if I was okay. This lack of empathy concerns me, no matter how many people tell me it’s normal for kids her age. Kids without empathy become adults without empathy. Call me ridiculous but I find it a legitimate concern.

Now…back to the asylum, so to speak. Sister Jude is terrorizing the reporter chick.

It’s a break from my own American Horror Story, at least.