Daily Archives: June 13, 2014

Seattle shooting suspect treated for mental illness, attorney says

Seattle shooting suspect treated for mental illness, attorney says

“The suspect in the Thursday shootings at Seattle Pacific University has been treated in recent years for a “long-standing mental illness,” which his attorney said might have prompted the deadly assault inside an engineering building at the small Christian campus.”

Oh really… you don’t say.

It seems like our brethren doesn’t know how to yell out for help. Or maybe the people around them are denying them help. I don’t know what’s going on but I know that there needs to be a way for them to yell out before hurting someone…

 

or maybe they have been yelling for help, but no one is listening…


Filed under: Awareness, Links, media, News, Ranting

Ugh..

Ugh..

I know. I know.

but I got to get up..


Filed under: depressed, photos, Ranting

Risky Behavior

In the past, my risky behavior consisted of over-spending and and the occasional un-protected sex with someone I hardly knew.  Now, I have speed.  No, not the drug...the car.  My little BMW Z3 M Roadster is Fast.  And I love it.  Yesterday, on a major 4-lane highway, south of town, I sat at a red light.  Behind me was an orange Mustang.  When the light turned green, I floored it.  The mustang stayed with me.  I slammed in the clutch and changed gears.  The Mustang moved over to the right lane and tried to catch up but I didn't let him.  We caught up to traffic and he sat several cars back.  He eventually moved up.  Having not done this much, I was inexperienced in the etiquette of racing...so, when he moved up beside me, I simply looked over.  The grey-haired man about my age was giving me the thumbs up.  What a thrill!  Traffic was on the move so we couldn't converse.  He yelled over, "Now, you have to let me in ahead of you."  I was already ahead of him at that point and traffic wasn't cooperating so he pulled off at the next corner.

I feel bad that I didn't do it right.  My son would have known what to do.  But I still feel good.  I hope Mr. Mustang doesn't think I snubbed him.  I just don't know what I'm doing.  We may have broken a speed limit. but we didn't endanger anyone's lives.  We had fun, which I don't ordinarily do. To Mr. Mustang...

thumbs up.

Risky Behavior

In the past, my risky behavior consisted of over-spending and and the occasional un-protected sex with someone I hardly knew.  Now, I have speed.  No, not the drug...the car.  My little BMW Z3 M Roadster is Fast.  And I love it.  Yesterday, on a major 4-lane highway, south of town, I sat at a red light.  Behind me was an orange Mustang.  When the light turned green, I floored it.  The mustang stayed with me.  I slammed in the clutch and changed gears.  The Mustang moved over to the right lane and tried to catch up but I didn't let him.  We caught up to traffic and he sat several cars back.  He eventually moved up.  Having not done this much, I was inexperienced in the etiquette of racing...so, when he moved up beside me, I simply looked over.  The grey-haired man about my age was giving me the thumbs up.  What a thrill!  Traffic was on the move so we couldn't converse.  He yelled over, "Now, you have to let me in ahead of you."  I was already ahead of him at that point and traffic wasn't cooperating so he pulled off at the next corner.

I feel bad that I didn't do it right.  My son would have known what to do.  But I still feel good.  I hope Mr. Mustang doesn't think I snubbed him.  I just don't know what I'm doing.  We may have broken a speed limit. but we didn't endanger anyone's lives.  We had fun, which I don't ordinarily do. To Mr. Mustang...

thumbs up.

Risky Behavior

In the past, my risky behavior consisted of over-spending and and the occasional un-protected sex with someone I hardly knew.  Now, I have speed.  No, not the drug...the car.  My little BMW Z3 M Roadster is Fast.  And I love it.  Yesterday, on a major 4-lane highway, south of town, I sat at a red light.  Behind me was an orange Mustang.  When the light turned green, I floored it.  The mustang stayed with me.  I slammed in the clutch and changed gears.  The Mustang moved over to the right lane and tried to catch up but I didn't let him.  We caught up to traffic and he sat several cars back.  He eventually moved up.  Having not done this much, I was inexperienced in the etiquette of racing...so, when he moved up beside me, I simply looked over.  The grey-haired man about my age was giving me the thumbs up.  What a thrill!  Traffic was on the move so we couldn't converse.  He yelled over, "Now, you have to let me in ahead of you."  I was already ahead of him at that point and traffic wasn't cooperating so he pulled off at the next corner.

I feel bad that I didn't do it right.  My son would have known what to do.  But I still feel good.  I hope Mr. Mustang doesn't think I snubbed him.  I just don't know what I'm doing.  We may have broken a speed limit. but we didn't endanger anyone's lives.  We had fun, which I don't ordinarily do. To Mr. Mustang...

thumbs up.

Rage Factor

The idea for today’s post comes from a friend of mine in Maine, with whom I was discussing the problem of anger and its management. I’m one of those people who was born pissed off, and it’s only the years (and the meds) that have mellowed me out a bit. As it turns out, this friend and I both have pretty bad tempers when unmedicated and provoked, although I can say she’s probably never threatened to kill anyone. I have, and at the time I meant it.

She also has probably never gone after anyone with garden implements, and I’ve done that as well. How I’ve escaped assault and menacing charges, I’ll never know, but I’ve always suspected God saved me from myself on this score because He wanted me to grow the hell up and become a nurse so I could help people. And He did a good job of it, for I’ve never physically injured a living soul in all these years (and was a pretty decent nurse in the bargain).

My mouth, however, is an entirely different story, because it has a history of going off completely without permission from my brain. I have stood in the pouring rain in front of a packed restaurant, hollering at my husband. (I know, how white-trash is THAT?!) I have thrown screaming fits out on the front lawn where everyone within the considerable range of my voice could hear every profanity I uttered. There have even been times when I was so out of control that I burst blood vessels in my eyes from all the shouting.

Where did this rage come from? I was told all the time when I was growing up that I’d come out of the chute a month late with a scowl on my face, a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other, and yelling “OK, who the hell is in charge here!?” But my older son has the rage factor too, and since he shows signs of being bipolar as well, I’ve got to wonder if it’s part of the illness. I don’t know…..all I can tell is, I haven’t had a single conniption since I’ve been medicated. And that makes Dr. Awesomesauce, my family, and me VERY happy.

I know Dr. A worried a lot about my temper in the early going. What landed me in his office in the first place was an unfortunate remark to my internist’s assistant along the lines of “I hope you don’t see my name in the newspaper because I’ve killed something!” Of course, we know now that I was under the influence of Wellbutrin at the time, and Wellbutrin is bad for me. But for the first six months or so that I was seeing Dr. A, he asked me often about my anger (“You haven’t killed anyone or gotten banned from a website this week? Good!”) and taught me coping skills so I could deal with it better.

Now we hardly ever talk about it, because I’m no longer an angry person. Sure, I still get ticked off at times, but there’s a big difference between that and being full of wrath. I’ve literally been medicated out of it. Not only do the meds calm me down, they’ve given me time to assess myself and realize that there really isn’t much that’s worth getting worked up over.

The process does slip at times, but the blind rages are gone and even when I do get mad, I usually get over it quickly. There are also varying degrees of upset—not everything deserves a full-throated response—and situations that used to infuriate me in many cases are now merely annoying. Sometimes I can even look at things from the perspective of the person who just cut me off in traffic or said something less than nice, and I’ll think “Well, we all have bad days, maybe this is one of his/hers”.

It’s not always sunshine and roses, of course, and sometimes there are flashes of the old anger, but overall I am a much more relaxed and pleasant person than I used to be. Even my blood pressure has come down to normal levels—and stayed there—for the first time since my 30s. It’s all good. And I hope my son gets to experience it one day. :-)


People Equal Shit…and stress

Yeah, okay, I don’t entirely believe people equal shit but I did wanna work in a Slipknot song for the hell of it.

People do, however, cause anxiety. I’ve had a couple of phone calls and texts and suddenly, I am all jittery and paranoid and the ticking clock is deafening in my head because R needs me at the shop first thing in the morning. Tick tock tick tock. Anixety inducing ass trash.

And I am anxiety suffering ass trasher.

Bex and I got our vodka on last night. This morning was…um…spent trying to recall why the dirty dishes were still dirty but in the strainer. It apparently involved drunken cooking and dishwashing, which were epic buckets of fail.

On the plus side, I felt so crappy I just dove headfirst into all the housework I’d avoided for two days and got shit done. Even mowed the yard. Yay me.

I was calm. Bex was having anxiety issues.

Now I am starting to freak out and she seems to have calmed. We are bipolar opposites.

I am half ass guilt tripping for not going to my aunt’s funeral. I couldn’t bring myself to face the anxiety and panic of a crowd. Plus my aunt was just one of those energetic yak yak yak types. W used to joke not even death would make her stop talking. I didn’t want to face the reality that no one, even the liveliest, escapes death. Maybe I am pathetic and weak and rude, I don’t know. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. So now I will spend my remaining days being guilted by family and myself. Fuck you, anxiety, and fuck me for not being badass enough to kick your ass.

I suck.

The mood was relatively up and stable. Enter evening and contact with people. The abyss beckons.

One more day then the weekend. People usually leave me be on the weekends aside the inevitable visit from dad’s clan. I need…peace. No demands. Reboot.

Three weeks ago, I created a new blog on a whim. I just posted the first time today. It’s illogical, rambling, unfocused, and full of juice tidbits of how fucked up my mind is but I like it. It lets me purge all the mental graffiti in my mind.

My links never work. I don’t know what I keep doing. I will work on it. Whatever. Xanax time. Tick tock tick tock.

I feel like I have a boat anchor hanging from my neck.

Tick.

Tock.