My mood was fine for about 4 hours. Then I felt it slipping. And now, I am irritable and lethargic and back down the rabbit hole. It’s like a dark veil covers everything. Every little thing irks me. I can’t find a single thing that would cheer me up. It’s one of those “wait it out” depressive storms. Hate those with a passion.
We’ve been watching Deadly Women (again) and every time they talk about “drastic mood swings” I cringe. I wonder how many of these women got labeled borderline when in fact they are bipolar. No doubt some actually are borderline, but it’s such a fine line in diagnosis and each therapist and shrink comes with their own propensity toward one or the other…I just wonder how many people, like I was for all those years, diagnosed improperly thus robbed of years of their lives. And saddled with a label of “difficult” “Moody” “Bitchy” “Mean” “Unstable”. Like bipolar is personality and it is so not.
Earlier I felt good. We went to some yard sales and my energy was up. Literally, for no reason, from out of nowhere, my mood just dropped into the abyss. Nothing happened. NOTHING. It’s like this ride they used to have at Six Flags, Tom’s Twister, where one minute you’re spinning and clinging to the walls…and the next, the floor drops out and you’re suspended and scared of slipping down the wall.
That’s what my mood swings are like when I hit rock bottom.
I want out of this mental space. I want my kid to stop whining and tantruming. I want my nerve endings to stop screaming at me with anxiety and irritation. I want the itchy hives of nervousness to go away.
THIS is the ultimate cruelty. To go so many days high functioning and level and relatively happy and content…to feeling this desolate, this stressed, this pissy. I don’t fucking get it, at all. If they wanted to make Gitmo prisoners go insane until they confessed to terrorism and the Lindburg kidnapping, they should just fuck with their brain chemicals like bipolar does. You get to a point where you scream uncle, cry mercy. It doesn’t do any good, of course.
You have to ride the storm out and pray you don’t spent too much time down the rabbit hole.