I got up and dressed today. Was going to go to the shop, Bex agreed to babysit for an hour or so. Except she didn’t get up til nearly 1pm (fuck you seroquel) and by then…the heat and all the kids running in and out had me losing motivation. I was determined…and then…I just can’t make myself to do it. In fact, the thought of going outside my door sends me into an inexplicable panic.
The professionals like to spew about triggers and patterns and there HAS to be one, you’re just not seeing it.
There truly is no rhyme or reason to my mood swings, my anxiety, my paranoia. It sweeps in from nowhere for no reason and I try to do battle but nine times out of ten, I fail. I feel these emotions down to my bone even as I try to talk myself out of them with self bullying. Get up and just do it, you loser! Get over it, you’re being a wuss! Don’t be a child, grow up and grow a pair!
I am so sick of this rinse, lather, repeat cycle. So sick of not being able to make sense of it all. I can’t fix it if it doesn’t follow some logic that I can view as dysfunctional and try to correct.
This is where my confusion becomes all encompassing. Am I bipolar or do I just have a bad personality and weak character? They send so many mixed messages. One will say it’s the bipolar or anxiety. One will say it’s my personality and I am not pushing myself hard enough. If it’s both, how do I distinguish between disorder and dysfunction?
Personally, I’m not convinced I have a personality to be disordered. I am my illness. It doesn’t define me as a person, but it taints my every thought and action every minute of the day. If I’m not in my right mind, how can I determine what’s wrong with it?
And I melting in the humidity, my clothes sticking to me, making me even grumpier.
I was fine earlier.
Now I am in the abyss.
What. The. Fuck.