Strength, for me, is fleeting. The strength I may feel on any given day will most likely not be duplicated on the following day. Weakness, however, seems to be a constant. Each and every day there will be multiple occasions where I decide that I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t try, I can’t fight, and I certainly can’t win.
From time to time, I can feel it as it comes on. It’s almost as if someone comes along and drops a 100 pound weight on me. Thud. There it is. Wasn’t I just washing the dishes? Didn’t I just answer my emails? I vacuumed not 20 minutes ago, right? Gone. It’s as if none of it ever happened. I can’t even take comfort in the fact that I did accomplish these things, because the weakness is so much bigger than any of that.
I know that the me I once was still exists. I have to believe that or I will never get out of bed again. I strive every day, even for just a moment to find her. She seems lost forever. So, I beat myself up. I relive every second of every horrible thing that has happened to me in a flash.
One of the worst parts about it is the loss. I have a handful of people that I can trust or rely on, and that list gets smaller every day. Pretty soon the handful will become a thimble full, and then there will be none. Nobody knows better than I do how overwhelming it is to have someone who suffers from depression in your life. I have never once asked that anyone change or be forced to adapt to my life. I did however anticipate that, at the very least, my family would be there. I guess I need to let that go and move on.
If strength is gained from each and every painful lesson, I have nothing to worry about. I have absolutely no shortage of painful lessons. I suppose I just look in the mirror sometimes and have no clue who I am looking at. If you take anything away from this post, remember not to allow yourself to get bogged down by the “should” or the “could”. As someone once told me, you have to learn to forgive yourself sometimes.
Consider that depression does not equal weakness. Weakness is a side effect at times, but that doesn’t mean that you are weakness. I know that it all seems so very overwhelming. That is where you have to come to the realization that you may not ever be the exact person that you once were, but perhaps you are a better, stronger version. You just have to be willing to let it happen. I have to be willing.
If today isn’t the day, then it’s alright. Perhaps it will be tomorrow or the next day. Any of these are an option, and a reason to carry on. Look back on the past from time to time, but don’t get stuck there. Big mistake…..HUGE mistake. It takes a strong person to admit that.