Daily Archives: May 17, 2014

Between A Rock and A Hard Place

Shit. Now the brakes on the car need $300 worth of repairs, and it just so happens that we won’t have that kind of cash for another week and a half, unless I’m incredibly lucky and my unemployment benefits kick in this week. In the meantime, there’s a job in a nearby town that sounds promising, and they want applicants to appear in person instead of sending in a resume over the Internet.

To say that the timing blows would be the understatement of the year. Everything is about to turn to crap for us financially anyway, and we need this headache like I need another 30 pounds of Zyprexa weight. On the other hand, I need the car to get off this hill and do something constructive along the lines of finding work; I’m just not going to risk my life to do it. When I was younger I might have, but I’ve got adventures to seek, and as sucky as life is right now I’m in no hurry to leave it. So the brakes are going to get fixed somehow, even if I have to go to one of those loan sharks—excuse me, payday loan places—to borrow the dough.

And I’m astounded at how calm I am about all of this.

Usually car trouble sends me into panic mode, and money trouble is right behind it in terms of stress levels. Combine the two, and I go completely into orbit. But while I’m VERY unhappy about this particular twist of fate, I’m not freaking out this time. For one thing, freaking out doesn’t fix the car, and for another, it certainly doesn’t do me a bit of good. I don’t know…..maybe I’m so medicated that I CAN’T get too worked up, and if that’s the case then it’s a good thing I’m taking all this stuff. I didn’t know there were substances that could block that response almost entirely, either alone OR in combination with others. Who knew Zyprexa had anti-anxiety properties?

I’ll have to remember this and report it to Dr. Awesomesauce when I see him on the 30th. I don’t have a feeling about whether he’ll leave me on the Z or not; I thought he was going to taper me off it at our last visit, but he wasn’t at all inclined to do so then. I almost hope he continues it for awhile longer, because it really is helping me stay mellow even though our recent warm, sunny days have brought whispers of some old familiar stirrings. Thankfully the lid is on firmly, because under other circumstances Manic Barbie would probably be dancing on mountain tops by now, despite being between a rock and a hard place. That bitch has got NO sense and I don’t have the time or the inclination to deal with her.

So here I sit, more or less stranded until Will and I can scrape together the money we need to get back on the road again, and I find myself with the sneaking suspicion that this might be a sign from the universe—something to prevent me from taking yet another job that will tie me in knots. The job in question is at another assisted living facility, and I could kick myself for even being interested because I’ve got no business doing another 24/7 gig, which is what these jobs always turn out to be. But it’s what I know. and right now, familiarity is looking better and better. :/




Do something you don’t want to do today


I am… I’m going to work. I don’t want to, but I know it will put me in a different mood and force me to feel something else. Here are somethings you can do today to get out of that mood.

Good luck!

Filed under: Awareness, photos, Ranting, Uplifting

The Idiot Queen

In two days my best friend from jolly ole’ England arrives. Aside from having a room and a bed for her, I have done fuck all. The room is still cluttered, dusty, in disarray. I have done stuff, like clean out the closet, but…When in doubt, wait it out. If the mood isn’t there, it’s just not.

And this last week, when the weather went from warm and sunny to six days of cold and rain…My depression reemerged with a vengeance. I was a walking zombie of insecurity and neurosis. I couldn’t manage the daily, let alone think of this other stuff.

Today is warm and sunny and I can feel myself making a comeback. I WILL get this shit done. Hell, I feel like I can leave my safe spot and maybe nothing bad will happen.

It’s so weird how this mood thing works. People think it’s a joke and some personality flaw. It’s just so all consuming, though. It really isn’t a choice. If you feel it, you feel it.

I’m not feeling it yet but I have put myself against the clock which means I don’t have the luxury of avoidance now. Now unless I want my beloved Bex to run screaming into the night. Which I am not convinced she won’t do anyway, but that’s my neurotic thing at play.

At the moment, I am in “deer in headlights” mode. Meaning I know I should move but I am going to wait until the car clips me first. Call it motivation by necessity. I get paralyzed this way often.

My biggest problem these days is that my brain is a big scrambled egg. I’ve noticed from my writing that regardless of how well I know the outline, the history, the intention of the storyline, I weave all over the place like a train with no steering. That’s the attention deficit. It’s run riot since I went off the focalin and things have never gotten better. It’s hard to pick a task and stick to it when there are a hundred of them battling for precedence and your mind can’t form any semblance of order. It really is like looking for a needle in a haystack of needles. I need to A, B, C…And my brain starts with Z, then goes to K, then to A, B,C…And I end up accomplishing little to completion but a ton of stuff is half assed done. Frustrating. I wish my brain would work in some sort of logical order. It just doesn’t. I try but it’s a runaway train.

So…I am the idiot queen because I have literally waited until the last fucking moment to do any of this shit and now my brain is refusing to cooperated by placing a logical order on what must be done and what I can let slip. And because I can’t make heads or tails mentally,I am stunned motionless. Idiot queen.

But Bex has known me for 12 years now, I doubt my status as leader of all things idiot is gonna shock her. Hopefully she will love me in spite of it. If not, I will just keep her very drunk for three months so she thinks she likes me. :p

Why Haven’t I Been Writing?

Maybe it's because I've started drawing and that's filling a creative need previously filled with writing.

Maybe it's because the pain medication I've been taking has sedated my brain, making it quiet.

Maybe it's because my energies have been occupied with urgent things.

Maybe it's because I am in a foggy place mentally.

Maybe it's because it's just not a writing time for me.

Who knows?  Whatever the reason, I hope the desire to write returns soon.  I miss that part of me.

I need to update more

I’ve been busy.. work.. quitting work, jumping temp agency to agency. I found an agency (not a temp agency) that will help me get a better job. I meet on Tuesday to start the process. cool eh?

I fell off my pony last week. I was riding with just a bareback pad and a bitless bridle and she took a corner too tight, she was spooking at something, and off I went. Tuck and roll, get up, get back on. I went to the hospital later, I had hurt my bad shoulder. I got a “Thanks for waiting! Come back if it gets worse!”

Uh, I don’t go to the ER if I want to come back when it gets worse, you fucking twat.

Meds are working well. Can’t stop losing weight. I’m at 102lbs now.. I’ve lost 50lbs in 6 months.. Lovely. I’m chugging protein shakes and Ensure to try to at least maintain.

Had a good Mother’s Day. My mom was so happy.

My cat Mischief had to be put down. I’m devastated. She was 12, we adopted her when she was 4 months old. I loved her so much.


May my beautiful kitty rest in peace.