So I’m on Week 3 of my job search, and yesterday I got slapped upside the head—again—by the realization that no matter how capable I still am, there are some jobs that are not for me. This is not rocket science; everybody has limitations. But I’m still having trouble wrapping my brain around that concept, and if I can’t do that I’m apt to wind up in still another unsuitable position.
I interviewed with a home health agency for a position as a case manager, which I thought would not only be interesting since I’ve never done it before, but give me the opportunity to work 1:1 with clients. (I’ve been healthy enough, for long enough, that I think I could handle clinical nursing again as long as I’m not dealing with 35 sickly and/or demented nursing home residents, or 7-8 acutely ill medical/surgical patients.) But then the interviewer began to outline the requirements for the job, which includes being on-call night and day for a full week every third week, and that’s when it struck me: There really are things I can’t do.
There are many things I shouldn’t do, and still more that I don’t WANT to do, but this is one thing that would be impossible for me to do if I want to remain mentally healthy. There would be times when I’d have to drive out to a client’s house in the middle of the night to deal with an emergency; how would I manage that when I’m so drugged I can barely even walk the fifteen feet to my bathroom in the middle of the night? Worse, it would screw up my sleep schedule and keep me from taking my nighttime meds during on-call week…..and we all know what a cluster-fuck THAT would be.
Plus, there’s the probability that my job would end up eating my life. Again. I’m sorry folks, but I just don’t have that kind of dedication anymore. I want to work to live, not live to work. So I’m going to just say No to this opportunity if I’m called for a second interview, even though I need a job like a week ago.
I could curse my limitations and continue to try to defy them, even in the face of mounting evidence that they actually do exist. However, doing so is a mistake, and I’m done making that one. Just the idea of having to get out of bed and drive someplace at 2 AM or so gives me the willies, but the thought of not taking my meds in anticipation of the above is far worse. I can’t do that to my family. I can’t do that to ME. It took too long for me to get to this place where I’ve been stable for a couple of months and have the right number and amount of medications to keep me that way; if I mess with any of the elements, the whole damn opera will fall apart and I know it.
Therefore, I shall continue to peruse the Help Wanted ads, comb through Internet jobs pages, and e-mail resumes to every employer that sounds even remotely suitable. And if you’ve a mind to, please send up some prayers and/or positive energies…..I need all the help I can get!