Daily Archives: May 11, 2014

Fresh Air

Hello from Post-Napland! Yeah, me and me usual aversion to naps has gone right out the window the past week or two; my rather achy body needs the rest, and I’m doing the wise thing and taking it. Thankfully, in spite of the usual poor results, it’s been mainly productive. My sleep hasn’t gotten too screwed up, my pain levels have gone down a tiny (tiny) bit, and well… hooray for all of that. I’m doing the best I can to take care of myself, and I think, I’m getting better at it one way or another.

Yesterday was Eurovision, which is probably one of my favorite things about living in Europe. It’s a silly good time with a lot of cheese, the occasional awesome song, and a lot of ‘Wait what why do people like this?!’ I wasn’t sure I was going to make it, to be honest — our plans involved a 4 hour round trip to see friends, as it was their turn to host (we try to see each other 4-5 times a year and alternate duties; the husband wanted to do a BBQ in July, so that set the order). Thankfully, we made it there and back in our individual pieces, and a good time was had. With the little one due next month, we’ve had to cancel our usual July-anniversary trip; it would be rather ass to expect my retirement-aged in-laws to cope with a freshly squeezed AND a four year old quite so soon for a weekend. So we’d taken a weekend off in April, but we still sort of needed to get away a bit.

Just being in a different place, especially one that my brain processes as safe… it’s good! I think that’s probably true of most people; after all, we’d not have our ‘usual’ hang-outs and the like if we didn’t deem them safe places. I have to wonder if that’s why it’s been easier for me to skip out on Stitch ‘n Bitch lately. Besides the pain factor of being so heavily pregnant and having been so for months, I’ve been off my meds since we switched pubs, so my anxiety has been severe at best. I certainly hope to make one of the next two sessions, since I’d like to see my local friends at least once before the baby comes, but… we’ll see. Taking care of myself, remember? If anxiety is a factor, then staying home and resting is probably the kinder thing to do in my current state. They’re not going to stop being my friends if I can’t make it until July or August, and it also spares me the trouble of dealing with well-meaning neurotypical folk denying my stress in experience in an attempt to be ‘supportive’.

Past that, just working on not being afraid, and not dwelling overly on the past. The initial glut of realization was a lot at once, and I’ve just been letting it sink in for now. I had a dream earlier that, I think, was my brain attempting to process further and let go of some things. Waiting for so long in the hopes my parents would change and actually give a crap about me and my hurts meant that I’ve only very recently learned the rudiments of letting go of things. I won’t beat myself over being so slow coming to it though, ’cause that serves no purpose — nolites te bastardes carborundorum. If I beat myself up for letting myself be poorly used, then that’s exactly what I’m doing to myself. It’s not my fault that I wanted to try and be loving and fair. What’s ‘my fault’ is that I AM a loving and caring person who wants to give people a fair shake, and I’ll happily own the ‘guilt’ of that all my days, hee hee.

For now, sweet blessed caffeine and further recovery from yesterday. While I spent most of the day to this point in bed resting to make up for the trip yesterday, I’m still feeling a bit rough. Emotionally stable, yes. Happy, yes. Physically? Well, this too shall pass!

Hope everyone out there is doing well.

<3

The post Fresh Air appeared first on The Scarlet B.

Moving on… with leather & metal

Bracelet

 

I finally bucked up and replaced the bracelet my former therapist gave to me to wear during my most recent breakdown in February. I finally took it off on Friday after wearing it every second for months and searching and searching and wondering what on earth I could find that was as poignant to replace it. Heres what Ive come up with. The plaque is interchangeable and I added the Celtic charm. Plus its leather and metal and badass, and you can hardly miss it – and neither can I, which is kind of the point.


Wounded Warrior

I had a lovey day out with M today at a really well done Celtic Fair and Highland games. On my mother’s side of the family, she lives here and is English because she was born there but raised in Scotland, my Granny is Scottish and my departed grandfather was English and they both moved here when I was young – everyone else on that side of the family is still across the pond. Being Scottish is a huge part of my identity and I feel beyond blessed to come from an international family. I think it has allowed me to grow up cultured, with a healthy interest and knowledge of history, an appreciation for cultures other than the one I live in, and a sense of adventure as well as a sense of duty. As for the fair, in case the dapper young men in kilts surrounding us wasn’t enough to make a girl’s day, there was also sheep herding competitions, tents and organizations for a great many clans, made to order kilt tailors with bolts of tartan fabric, bagpipes parading, amazing food from the shop where my Granny orders us our Christmas bacon every year, vendors galore (I was tempted by a Tshirt in the style of a concert tour shirt, instead listing the many Scottish wars and dates – how funny, right?), the nicest people you could ever meet, and of course the Highland Games. We enjoyed our time until what I believe is technically called a “scattered thunderstorm” broke forth and we laughed and gave up running to the car once we were already soaked. Several things really struck me about myself throughout the day, though.

  • Though I fully identified with that side of my heritage, I don’t do enough to keep it alive. I felt at home with M at that fair (she has a very similar family dynamic and appreciates the same things), and I started crying (I think for joy, I’m not sure) when the chorus of bagpipes played Amazing Grace. Scots are known to be fiercely…well…Scottish and I think that was all being pulled out. I also felt a bit like a fake – like if they tested my DNA I wouldn’t have enough in me to pass some sort of test, and shame crept in now and again telling me I should be more, I should do more, I should call my Granny more, I should learn how to play the bagpipes…on & on.
  • There was a team of Wounded Warriors in the Games. Lets try to put aside that they were wearing military camo kilts and move on to the fact that these guys were competing in the Caber Toss (pick up a tree trunk the size of a telephone pole and hurl it and over end only after picking it up and balancing it on the end) like it was just another day. Let me be clear – these guys had their legs blown off in active combat. And yet there they were – living their lives, doing whatever they wanted, even what seemed physically absurd to an able bodied man. Again, the shame crept in among the excitement – why can’t I be that strong?

By the time we finally got home I was feeling energized and creative. Redecorated a few things in the living room (did I mention we waited out the storm at a Home Goods? May have had an influence), S stopped by to visit for a bit, and I sat down to try to calmly draw or work on a bracelet or something – anything – and nothing is coming to me. Its not like my thoughts are racing too fast, its that there aren’t really that many. Its like I felt when I was first put on Lithium. It only really seems to happen when I’m left to my own devices at home though. So now its 1am and I should be excited for bed seeing as I was up at 7:30 this morning and running around most of the day, but its like I’m in some sort of trance – who knows, maybe because I’m avoiding my own brain. If I lay down in the dark who knows what could happen…I feel like I havent done anything today even though I was out from 8am til about 4:30pm… thats a lot if you think about it. But I think we all know by now that even if I do think about it it wouldn’t make sense.

Looking back though I realize apart from a little nervousness at the beginning because I was being introduced to a new person, I made it through the day with no real palpable anxiety – thats a plus!


David Wilcox on shadow & light

“In this scene set in shadows Like the night is here to stay There is evil cast around us But it’s love that wrote the play…” David Wilcox (lyrics from Show The Way)Filed under: quoth Tagged: David Wilcox, light, love, shadow