Daily Archives: May 6, 2014

No Experience Necessary

One of the most annoying aspects of job-hunting is having to wade through literally hundreds of listings that have absolutely nothing to do with your field of interest. Though Craigslist and the employment division have conveniently categorized theirs, there are more than a few jobs that slip through the filters.

Like this one: “Fun Job selling revolutionary new cookware! Work on commission, demo set $350, refundable after $5000 in sales”. Now THERE’S one I’d better jump on real quick—me with my inability to sell heating units to Eskimos. Add that up-front cost of the pots and pans, and it’s enough to make me run as far away in the opposite direction as I can go.

Here’s another: “Appointment Setter for dynamic solar energy company. $9.10 per hour, commission, work evenings, flexible hours, no experience necessary”. Uh-huh. I was a telephone solicitor for a whole four hours back in the early ’80s, and left in tears at the end of my shift because the overwhelming majority of the people I called were rude and abusive. I didn’t blame them for being upset, but after hearing “Do you know you interrupted my dinner, you fucking bitch!?” or some variation on that theme about 80 times, I felt eviscerated.

And here’s a real winner: “Ticket taker for XYZ University football games starting August 2014, minimum wage, must be able to work in all weather conditions”. Ohh, yeah, like I’m gonna want to stand out in the pouring rain for several hours, dealing with college kids full of beer and attitude. Then again….maybe they’d let me in to see the games for free.

Which all makes me wonder if there exists a job that is enjoyable, pays decently, and isn’t too complicated. I’m looking at nursing jobs because it’s all I know how to do, but I also know that the positions I’m most eligible for are the kind that have driven me to the very edge of insanity in the past. The ones with 24/7 responsibility. The ones that require me to multitask and manage constantly shifting priorities, which are two of the hardest things in the universe for me to do. The ones that are a career, not just a job I can leave at the door when I’m done for the day.

As much as I don’t want to do this (given my record as a job-hopper over the past year) I think I’ve got to go for the short-term solution: take a job–almost any job—for the time being until I can figure out what to do for real. Of course, this may be somewhat difficult as the average employer is not going to want someone who is over-qualified for the position they’re offering, because they know the applicant will leave as soon as more suitable employment can be found. But I’ve done the math and found out that a full-time job, even at minimum wage, is better than the measly $360 per week of unemployment benefits I may or may not get.

I learned two jobs ago that there is no such thing as a “forever” job. I’d been searching for it since I first graduated from nursing school, and it simply does not exist unless you’re one of the lucky few who becomes a resident care manager at the last nursing home I worked in. Those people literally stay FOREVER…..one’s been there for some 30 years, another for 20, and the other is nearing retirement after nearly 40 years. Who can compete with that??!

Not I, that’s for sure. I’ve only got another 11 years before I can retire, and all I want is something I can live with until then. That can’t be too much to ask…..right?

 

 

 


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HerShadowtime 2014-05-06 06:21:17

Constant agitation
My thoughts slow
My thoughts speed up
They fire on their own
And I cannot get them under control.
They’re driving
And I need to run the show.
I can’t fall apart
But all these years are catching up.
Catching up catching up catching up
And I cannot fucking fall apart.

Manic Again?

Once my mood crashed into the abyss…I was done, stick a fork in me. My kid went to sleep at 7:30 and I laid down in bed in front of a fan and I started nodding off. But I kept jolting awake with nightmares. It was like I’d taken a trazadone but I hadn’t. And they were the paralyzing dreams which made them even scarier.

I woke up several times, pretty much every hour on the hour. At one point I heard my phone ring and I couldn’t be arsed to get it. No one wants to talk to me when I am low anyway. Wish I could opt out of being in my mind when I am low.

I woke again at 11:30 and realized I’d gone to sleep without feeding the strays cats outside which made me bolt up guiltily and rush to get it done. Now aside from miserable allergy attacks of sneezing, wheezing, coughing and being tied to a tissue box…I think I am entering manic territory again. My mind is on overdrive with ideas and thoughts. But the motivation to do anything about it is missing so whatever it is, it’s not likely to be productive. Still, it beats the semi suicidal space I occupied earlier.

It’s so difficult when your shrink does their ten minute drive thru med check each month and they ask if you’ve had any thoughts of suicide. With cyclothymia, there are times you have thoughts of nominating yourself for sainthood because of the euphoria involved in manic episodes. You also have moments where you do ponder doing yourself in. But it all passes so damn fast you don’t even take it seriously yourself anymore. Is it worth mentioning? If you do mention it, will they say “Oh, she just wants attention, no one who talks about suicide every commits it.” Or will you wind up in the rubber ramada labeled a danger to yourself for simply being candid?

I am up back on the upswing, I think, but I am still feeling the need to withdraw and isolate. People’s attitudes change toward me when I am not manic and bouncing off walls. They want fun Niki, like I can just turn it off and on and being a depressive basketcase is a choice. That makes me so dejected and angry I don’t want to deal with such shallow fucks. If you can’t try to understand and exhibit some empathy and compassion..Fuck you. It’s not coddling someone just by being kind to them for having a mighty heavy and unpleasant cross to carry.

Of course, y0u say anything of that ilk and get a litany of all they have to deal with and how your life is a cakewalk and blah blah blah. Ass trashers, all of  ‘em.

Maybe it’s not euphoric mania I am entering. Maybe I am in irritable racing thought territory now. I am going with it, not like I have a choice.

Back to my tether to the Kleenex box. I want an IV drip of Claritin.