I WAS flying high. Very very happy, energetic, pleasant, functioning.
And from out of nowhere, like a stealthy ninja, my mood crashed into the fucking gutter. No reason, no stressor, no trigger. Just CRASH.
It makes no sense to me, it never has. I’m not even consistent enough to meet the true criterion for bipolar one or two, technically because my mood swings cycle so fast. One would thing the mood stabilizer might prevent this but none of them ever have.
To go from flying so high to feeling this dejected so fast I should have whiplash…It takes a toll.
Prior to landing facedown in the gutter, though, I got up in a great mood, took my kid to school, went to the shop, got my classes fixed,did more work in the yard, I even cooked spaghetti and we ate out at the patio table. I was on the swing with my kid, feeling happy.
Now…I am back in “:what’s the point of any of this” territory and it bloody well sucks. I just wish the doctors could figure out why I cycle so rapidly. I got 4 days of mania and right back to where I started. The lows last longer than the highs, which also sucks. I’d also like to know why my disorder is so resistant to medication. None of have ever worked more than two years at a time. And I’ve been on about 20 anti depressants, some of the shrinks thought I was seeking attention or just seeking drugs. Not my fault nothing sticks. Not like it enhances my quality of life. If anything it reduces the quality of my life.
I was calm. Now I am irritable and these kids are driving me nuts. I don’t know why I am the place they all congregate at. I have ONE kid. My landlord asked if they were all mine. Six kids? Are you off your gourd? And after 8 months in a grumpy non functional state, you’d think I’d have run them all off with my griping and impatience. I’ve always been a kid magnet. I don’t know why. Probably why I waited so long to have one, lots of others around to cling to me and annoy me.
I am a ray of sunshine.
Damn it, I just want to go back to the happy place. Not acting out manic but happy and functional. This is awful. I feel like I am back in that winter depressive abyss. And with my luck, for my 4 days of mania, I will pay with a couple of weeks of lows. It always goes that way.
Cyclothymia. Leave it to me to end up with the bastard child of bipolar disorder that the doctors don’t really know much about thus can’t treat properly.
I wanna curl up in bed until this storm passes.
Let the ninjas sneak up with a good mood.
I also want a purple magical unicorn but my chances of that are as good as a good mood.