Daily Archives: April 22, 2014

Raging Bitch – Unleashed

Yesterday... all my fucking troubles...blah...etc

What a fucking miracle and massive fuck-up at the same time. Out of all the numbers I called for a new therapist, only one bitch called me back. So I set up an appointment with her, and it was yesterday. Her office was within walking distance, I noticed, per google maps, but it did not account for all the fucked up construction that completely cut off walking access on the streets. I ended up walking in a big circle, and had massive lower back pain from standing in front of the mirror caking on makeup for no particular reason. I shoved a lot of clonopin under my tongue in a very short amount of time. I had to stop a couple of times and have a cigarette while listening to my ipod. One song, over and over, and you will laugh at this: 


 

I was ready to fucking kill somebody. I was sweating. I HATE sweating. I was really fucking ready to throw down. I was just waiting for somebody to fuck with me. I had a few more clonopin under my tongue. Then I saw my own block and thought 'I could just fucking go home, and say fuck this shit'. But, in severe pain and all, being a stubborn fuck, I had to try again. Man, I swallowed chunks of seroquel dry! I must have had about 250mg seroquel and 5mg clonopin I ended up asking a construction dude some directions, he was more than happy to help. So I set out again, and finally found the place. Stairs. Fucking stairs. I made my appointment right on the dot. 

I'm "anal" (hate that word for that expression) about appointments. I have to be there way early or not at all. My thinking is that if I get there earlier, then I will be less anxious about the person I'm seeing. It works for me and my ipod. :)

I was burning up and in need of water badly. My sleeves were up, I was so hot, so my tattooed sleeves were visible, even though I didn't want them to be seen the first time around. Talk about stigma! 

The therapist seemed a bit timid, but brought me some water. I felt like an old surly dog that could still bite if provoked. Maybe she could see that, I don't know. She got over it, when she skimmed over the forms I filled out for her (about me), and we began talking. I felt like the Incredible Hulk then in that room, trying to chill, and an older hippie type lady there, just a wee bit uncomfortable. Could have been all in my head. Fuck if I know. 

We talked briefly about a lot of things I'd mentioned on the forms,and asked what I was looking for now, why I was seeking out help. I told her about the shrink I'd been going to. I used to be able to take the bus alone to see him. Now I can't. I'm worse off for seeing him than not. She didn't look happy about that. He just couldn't get a handle on things. I asked her to read over my stuff and make sure that she things she can be able to handle my mess, and help. She seemed really positive about it, and understood how overwhelming the whole day's shit had been. Yeah, I fucking cried for no reason. I could have kicked myself. We made another appointment.

I buzzed down the street with all that heavy seroquel and clonopin, wearing sunglasses, and felt the same "get the fuck outta my way" as I would normally if I was able to walk down the street alone, without those meds, like before. ipod song was different. Can't remember what it was. I couldn't wait to get home alone. When I did, the spouse was already there. Fuck. No time to heal in private from that trauma! Not happy. Not happy at all. He didn't force me to go to the store with him that day.

I'm being forced to go to the store today, so I have to take a shower and this time actually wash my longass nearly black hair. I hate it. Takes forever to dry, but I won't care if I have to go out that way. I'll have my sunglasses on and won't be alone. I forced myself on the treadmill when I was feeling pretty anxious, had some clonopin, and walked it off. 

I am fucking tired and went out in the rain early this morning to get some half-n-half, then later to starschmucks. That's where I noticed that my leggings were nearly see-through! I was disgusted and tried to cover up. I guess I washed away all the cotton and what's left is the stretchy shit. Fuck. Good thing I wasn't wearing some bright colored underwear! I won't be wearing those outdoors again without some opaque tights maybe. 

Fuck. Just called the other therapist, and realized that I didn't cancel tomorrow's appointment with him. Too late. Have to go and be saying good bye, I believe. I won't be staying too long.

Shower time. I prefer to take a shower when no one is here but me and the cat. I can relax in the hot water. Alone. Gloriously alone!




PS: Don't worry about the banana scare that Fox is reporting. I've never seen bananas in stores on the west coast come from anywhere else but Central America and Mexico. Why they fuck are they playing "Don't Fear (The Reaper)" in the background?! WTF?! 7.37am PT Wed!

Crime And Mental Illness

Crime and Mental Illness Crime and Mental illness has been getting a bad rap for many years. With each school shooting the media immediately seeks to determine if the shooter was living with some form of mental illness. In 1989, Patrick Edward Purdy, murdered five children and wounded 32 others in Stockton, California In 1999, […]

The post Crime And Mental Illness appeared first on Depression and Bipolar Disorder:.

At a snails pace



As well as bipolar mood changes, one of the most difficult things to cope with are the changes in energy levels and sleep that run alongside. For months on end I've got by with hardly any sleep at all. Two to three hours a night, maybe four if I've been lucky....sometimes no sleep at all. I did feel a bit tired at times but not all the time. I'd think nothing of being up and "doing" at 3 o'clock in the morning. I was so much more active. I had energy to burn. I've been expecting things to change but I must admit I am struggling. For the last few nights I've slept solid. I've been ready for my bed at 10 o'clock and slept right through until the alarm goes off at seven. Nine hours without any disturbance. That's a huge difference. You'd think I'd feel better for it. Trouble is I don't . Physically I feel worse. I feel more tired than ever. I feel like someone has literally sucked every last bit of energy out of me. My whole body aches. By the time I've taken the dog out and tidied up a bit I'm ready to sleep again. Yesterday I sat down with a coffee at 9 am and must have nodded off. I woke up two hours later with Libby (my dog) nudging me to get up! I'm sure if it wasn't for her I'd sleep all day and night. Every little thing is a huge effort. It's so frustrating. I can't imagine how people manage to do everything. I can't imagine how I used to look after a child, a husband, a house and garden.....now sometimes it takes such a huge effort just to get myself dressed. I feel about a hundred years old and I look like shit. I found myself crying because I needed to wash my hair and the effort just seemed too much. I find myself crying a lot. I don't really know why. I don't know that there's much I can do about it. I'm trying my hardest to keep going and that's all I can do. I went to my sisters over the weekend and it was a lovely day but by the time I got home I just felt so drained and overwhelmed by it all. I'm trying to keep doing the essential things. I know if I let my flat get in a mess, especially with the dog, I'll get in such a state over it I won't be able to do anything.  It's funny, I always think I've got good insight into my moods, yet it's only after the event I realise the full impact. Even though I was irritable and twitchy when I was "high", I think I'd rather be like that than how I am now......miserable, unmotivated and absolutely exhausted. Of course at the time I was wishing for calm. Now I'm doing everything at a snails pace and there's nothing I can do about it. My mind and body just won't let me go any quicker. What I really need is to be somewhere in between but it's not happening yet. It's so hard when it seems I go from one extreme to another with no real let up in between. I often feel like just giving up but I know I can't. I'm still hopeful that the meds will start working properly again soon. I've felt a lot worse than this before and that in itself gives me a reason not to give up. I might be slow but as long as I don't stop things will be ok eventually.

At a snails pace



As well as bipolar mood changes, one of the most difficult things to cope with are the changes in energy levels and sleep that run alongside. For months on end I've got by with hardly any sleep at all. Two to three hours a night, maybe four if I've been lucky....sometimes no sleep at all. I did feel a bit tired at times but not all the time. I'd think nothing of being up and "doing" at 3 o'clock in the morning. I was so much more active. I had energy to burn. I've been expecting things to change but I must admit I am struggling. For the last few nights I've slept solid. I've been ready for my bed at 10 o'clock and slept right through until the alarm goes off at seven. Nine hours without any disturbance. That's a huge difference. You'd think I'd feel better for it. Trouble is I don't . Physically I feel worse. I feel more tired than ever. I feel like someone has literally sucked every last bit of energy out of me. My whole body aches. By the time I've taken the dog out and tidied up a bit I'm ready to sleep again. Yesterday I sat down with a coffee at 9 am and must have nodded off. I woke up two hours later with Libby (my dog) nudging me to get up! I'm sure if it wasn't for her I'd sleep all day and night. Every little thing is a huge effort. It's so frustrating. I can't imagine how people manage to do everything. I can't imagine how I used to look after a child, a husband, a house and garden.....now sometimes it takes such a huge effort just to get myself dressed. I feel about a hundred years old and I look like shit. I found myself crying because I needed to wash my hair and the effort just seemed too much. I find myself crying a lot. I don't really know why. I don't know that there's much I can do about it. I'm trying my hardest to keep going and that's all I can do. I went to my sisters over the weekend and it was a lovely day but by the time I got home I just felt so drained and overwhelmed by it all. I'm trying to keep doing the essential things. I know if I let my flat get in a mess, especially with the dog, I'll get in such a state over it I won't be able to do anything.  It's funny, I always think I've got good insight into my moods, yet it's only after the event I realise the full impact. Even though I was irritable and twitchy when I was "high", I think I'd rather be like that than how I am now......miserable, unmotivated and absolutely exhausted. Of course at the time I was wishing for calm. Now I'm doing everything at a snails pace and there's nothing I can do about it. My mind and body just won't let me go any quicker. What I really need is to be somewhere in between but it's not happening yet. It's so hard when it seems I go from one extreme to another with no real let up in between. I often feel like just giving up but I know I can't. I'm still hopeful that the meds will start working properly again soon. I've felt a lot worse than this before and that in itself gives me a reason not to give up. I might be slow but as long as I don't stop things will be ok eventually.

At a snails pace



As well as bipolar mood changes, one of the most difficult things to cope with are the changes in energy levels and sleep that run alongside. For months on end I've got by with hardly any sleep at all. Two to three hours a night, maybe four if I've been lucky....sometimes no sleep at all. I did feel a bit tired at times but not all the time. I'd think nothing of being up and "doing" at 3 o'clock in the morning. I was so much more active. I had energy to burn. I've been expecting things to change but I must admit I am struggling. For the last few nights I've slept solid. I've been ready for my bed at 10 o'clock and slept right through until the alarm goes off at seven. Nine hours without any disturbance. That's a huge difference. You'd think I'd feel better for it. Trouble is I don't . Physically I feel worse. I feel more tired than ever. I feel like someone has literally sucked every last bit of energy out of me. My whole body aches. By the time I've taken the dog out and tidied up a bit I'm ready to sleep again. Yesterday I sat down with a coffee at 9 am and must have nodded off. I woke up two hours later with Libby (my dog) nudging me to get up! I'm sure if it wasn't for her I'd sleep all day and night. Every little thing is a huge effort. It's so frustrating. I can't imagine how people manage to do everything. I can't imagine how I used to look after a child, a husband, a house and garden.....now sometimes it takes such a huge effort just to get myself dressed. I feel about a hundred years old and I look like shit. I found myself crying because I needed to wash my hair and the effort just seemed too much. I find myself crying a lot. I don't really know why. I don't know that there's much I can do about it. I'm trying my hardest to keep going and that's all I can do. I went to my sisters over the weekend and it was a lovely day but by the time I got home I just felt so drained and overwhelmed by it all. I'm trying to keep doing the essential things. I know if I let my flat get in a mess, especially with the dog, I'll get in such a state over it I won't be able to do anything.  It's funny, I always think I've got good insight into my moods, yet it's only after the event I realise the full impact. Even though I was irritable and twitchy when I was "high", I think I'd rather be like that than how I am now......miserable, unmotivated and absolutely exhausted. Of course at the time I was wishing for calm. Now I'm doing everything at a snails pace and there's nothing I can do about it. My mind and body just won't let me go any quicker. What I really need is to be somewhere in between but it's not happening yet. It's so hard when it seems I go from one extreme to another with no real let up in between. I often feel like just giving up but I know I can't. I'm still hopeful that the meds will start working properly again soon. I've felt a lot worse than this before and that in itself gives me a reason not to give up. I might be slow but as long as I don't stop things will be ok eventually.

Pet Therapy


If you're depressed then you're depressed. It's got nothing to do with what your doing or not doing. I agree that having a routine and things to do helps. I agree that shutting yourself away can make things feel worse but depression is an illness. If you have sickness and diarrhoea, carrying on with your daily routine doesn't stop it. Yes you can help yourself by drinking plenty of water and resting but the illness has to take its course. Yes you can help yourself with depression but it's not as simple as just "keeping busy".  There's a big difference between being sad or lonely or bored even and being depressed. 
Whenever I've been "high" it's inevitable that a "low" period follows. The more I learn about bipolar and how it affects me the more I can try to do things to help myself. I think the medication is slowly kicking in again. I'm much less irritated. When I saw my psychiatrist, if he didn't tell me once he told me about 10 times to make sure I keep taking my medication! My GP was the same. Of course now I know that the consequences of no medication are not good I will stick with it. The Lithium at least. 
So, I decided to get a pet. I've never been much of a dog person but my son had the most beautiful Rottweiler and I loved her. My best friend has a puppy and he's brought her so much pleasure. Both my sisters have dogs. Nearly everyone I spoke to thought it would be a good idea. I live on my own and I have so much time on my hands. With my mood so unstable lately work hasn't been a option and it's been doubly hard to get into any sort of "normal" routine. I thought getting a dog would help give me a purpose again as well as some company. 
Well I've had her for just over a week and I have to say what a huge difference she has made to my life already. I just love her. I haven't found having her easy. In fact I have felt quite overwhelmed at times by taking on such a huge responsibility. I am petrified that I'll get really ill again and not be able to cope. I know from experience that I start something and it's all good but then my mood changes and it all goes haywire. I need a back up plan in case anything happens to me but I can't quite work it out yet. The thing is, I am coping now. I have to. I can't let her down. She is totally dependent on me. My mood is low but I am 100% certain that without my new little friend things would be worse. I have to get myself at least partly organised. She has given me a reason to get out of the house, a reason to keep going. Even when I've wanted to shut myself away I've had to do things. She seems to sense if I'm down and snuggles in on my lap and when I cry she snuggles in closer. She helps lift my mood just by being there. I've found myself laughing and smiling at her antics. She's such a clever little thing and each day as I teach her something new I get a huge sense of satisfaction. 
I'm still not sleeping properly but I am going to bed and getting some sleep, which is an improvement. I'm finding it hard to keep on top of everything that needs to be done and sometimes even the simplest thing seems like such huge deal. I get upset that I find life so fucking hard when to most people it seems like I have it easy. I get frustrated with myself for not being able to do everything I think I should be able to do. I have to keep telling myself that it's ok and that I am doing well. I know that it may take some time for my medication to reach its full effect. I also know that medication is only part of what I need to keep me well. I know I have done the right thing by getting my dog. She can't take away my symptoms. She can't "cure" me  anymore than medication can but she's definitely been great "therapy" so far. She's definitely playing a huge part in my recovery. She's definitely given me something to think about other than myself. She's definitely a friend already. 

Pet Therapy


If you're depressed then you're depressed. It's got nothing to do with what your doing or not doing. I agree that having a routine and things to do helps. I agree that shutting yourself away can make things feel worse but depression is an illness. If you have sickness and diarrhoea, carrying on with your daily routine doesn't stop it. Yes you can help yourself by drinking plenty of water and resting but the illness has to take its course. Yes you can help yourself with depression but it's not as simple as just "keeping busy".  There's a big difference between being sad or lonely or bored even and being depressed. 
Whenever I've been "high" it's inevitable that a "low" period follows. The more I learn about bipolar and how it affects me the more I can try to do things to help myself. I think the medication is slowly kicking in again. I'm much less irritated. When I saw my psychiatrist, if he didn't tell me once he told me about 10 times to make sure I keep taking my medication! My GP was the same. Of course now I know that the consequences of no medication are not good I will stick with it. The Lithium at least. 
So, I decided to get a pet. I've never been much of a dog person but my son had the most beautiful Rottweiler and I loved her. My best friend has a puppy and he's brought her so much pleasure. Both my sisters have dogs. Nearly everyone I spoke to thought it would be a good idea. I live on my own and I have so much time on my hands. With my mood so unstable lately work hasn't been a option and it's been doubly hard to get into any sort of "normal" routine. I thought getting a dog would help give me a purpose again as well as some company. 
Well I've had her for just over a week and I have to say what a huge difference she has made to my life already. I just love her. I haven't found having her easy. In fact I have felt quite overwhelmed at times by taking on such a huge responsibility. I am petrified that I'll get really ill again and not be able to cope. I know from experience that I start something and it's all good but then my mood changes and it all goes haywire. I need a back up plan in case anything happens to me but I can't quite work it out yet. The thing is, I am coping now. I have to. I can't let her down. She is totally dependent on me. My mood is low but I am 100% certain that without my new little friend things would be worse. I have to get myself at least partly organised. She has given me a reason to get out of the house, a reason to keep going. Even when I've wanted to shut myself away I've had to do things. She seems to sense if I'm down and snuggles in on my lap and when I cry she snuggles in closer. She helps lift my mood just by being there. I've found myself laughing and smiling at her antics. She's such a clever little thing and each day as I teach her something new I get a huge sense of satisfaction. 
I'm still not sleeping properly but I am going to bed and getting some sleep, which is an improvement. I'm finding it hard to keep on top of everything that needs to be done and sometimes even the simplest thing seems like such huge deal. I get upset that I find life so fucking hard when to most people it seems like I have it easy. I get frustrated with myself for not being able to do everything I think I should be able to do. I have to keep telling myself that it's ok and that I am doing well. I know that it may take some time for my medication to reach its full effect. I also know that medication is only part of what I need to keep me well. I know I have done the right thing by getting my dog. She can't take away my symptoms. She can't "cure" me  anymore than medication can but she's definitely been great "therapy" so far. She's definitely playing a huge part in my recovery. She's definitely given me something to think about other than myself. She's definitely a friend already. 

Pet Therapy


If you're depressed then you're depressed. It's got nothing to do with what your doing or not doing. I agree that having a routine and things to do helps. I agree that shutting yourself away can make things feel worse but depression is an illness. If you have sickness and diarrhoea, carrying on with your daily routine doesn't stop it. Yes you can help yourself by drinking plenty of water and resting but the illness has to take its course. Yes you can help yourself with depression but it's not as simple as just "keeping busy".  There's a big difference between being sad or lonely or bored even and being depressed. 
Whenever I've been "high" it's inevitable that a "low" period follows. The more I learn about bipolar and how it affects me the more I can try to do things to help myself. I think the medication is slowly kicking in again. I'm much less irritated. When I saw my psychiatrist, if he didn't tell me once he told me about 10 times to make sure I keep taking my medication! My GP was the same. Of course now I know that the consequences of no medication are not good I will stick with it. The Lithium at least. 
So, I decided to get a pet. I've never been much of a dog person but my son had the most beautiful Rottweiler and I loved her. My best friend has a puppy and he's brought her so much pleasure. Both my sisters have dogs. Nearly everyone I spoke to thought it would be a good idea. I live on my own and I have so much time on my hands. With my mood so unstable lately work hasn't been a option and it's been doubly hard to get into any sort of "normal" routine. I thought getting a dog would help give me a purpose again as well as some company. 
Well I've had her for just over a week and I have to say what a huge difference she has made to my life already. I just love her. I haven't found having her easy. In fact I have felt quite overwhelmed at times by taking on such a huge responsibility. I am petrified that I'll get really ill again and not be able to cope. I know from experience that I start something and it's all good but then my mood changes and it all goes haywire. I need a back up plan in case anything happens to me but I can't quite work it out yet. The thing is, I am coping now. I have to. I can't let her down. She is totally dependent on me. My mood is low but I am 100% certain that without my new little friend things would be worse. I have to get myself at least partly organised. She has given me a reason to get out of the house, a reason to keep going. Even when I've wanted to shut myself away I've had to do things. She seems to sense if I'm down and snuggles in on my lap and when I cry she snuggles in closer. She helps lift my mood just by being there. I've found myself laughing and smiling at her antics. She's such a clever little thing and each day as I teach her something new I get a huge sense of satisfaction. 
I'm still not sleeping properly but I am going to bed and getting some sleep, which is an improvement. I'm finding it hard to keep on top of everything that needs to be done and sometimes even the simplest thing seems like such huge deal. I get upset that I find life so fucking hard when to most people it seems like I have it easy. I get frustrated with myself for not being able to do everything I think I should be able to do. I have to keep telling myself that it's ok and that I am doing well. I know that it may take some time for my medication to reach its full effect. I also know that medication is only part of what I need to keep me well. I know I have done the right thing by getting my dog. She can't take away my symptoms. She can't "cure" me  anymore than medication can but she's definitely been great "therapy" so far. She's definitely playing a huge part in my recovery. She's definitely given me something to think about other than myself. She's definitely a friend already. 

Pet Therapy


If you're depressed then you're depressed. It's got nothing to do with what your doing or not doing. I agree that having a routine and things to do helps. I agree that shutting yourself away can make things feel worse but depression is an illness. If you have sickness and diarrhoea, carrying on with your daily routine doesn't stop it. Yes you can help yourself by drinking plenty of water and resting but the illness has to take its course. Yes you can help yourself with depression but it's not as simple as just "keeping busy".  There's a big difference between being sad or lonely or bored even and being depressed. 
Whenever I've been "high" it's inevitable that a "low" period follows. The more I learn about bipolar and how it affects me the more I can try to do things to help myself. I think the medication is slowly kicking in again. I'm much less irritated. When I saw my psychiatrist, if he didn't tell me once he told me about 10 times to make sure I keep taking my medication! My GP was the same. Of course now I know that the consequences of no medication are not good I will stick with it. The Lithium at least. 
So, I decided to get a pet. I've never been much of a dog person but my son had the most beautiful Rottweiler and I loved her. My best friend has a puppy and he's brought her so much pleasure. Both my sisters have dogs. Nearly everyone I spoke to thought it would be a good idea. I live on my own and I have so much time on my hands. With my mood so unstable lately work hasn't been a option and it's been doubly hard to get into any sort of "normal" routine. I thought getting a dog would help give me a purpose again as well as some company. 
Well I've had her for just over a week and I have to say what a huge difference she has made to my life already. I just love her. I haven't found having her easy. In fact I have felt quite overwhelmed at times by taking on such a huge responsibility. I am petrified that I'll get really ill again and not be able to cope. I know from experience that I start something and it's all good but then my mood changes and it all goes haywire. I need a back up plan in case anything happens to me but I can't quite work it out yet. The thing is, I am coping now. I have to. I can't let her down. She is totally dependent on me. My mood is low but I am 100% certain that without my new little friend things would be worse. I have to get myself at least partly organised. She has given me a reason to get out of the house, a reason to keep going. Even when I've wanted to shut myself away I've had to do things. She seems to sense if I'm down and snuggles in on my lap and when I cry she snuggles in closer. She helps lift my mood just by being there. I've found myself laughing and smiling at her antics. She's such a clever little thing and each day as I teach her something new I get a huge sense of satisfaction. 
I'm still not sleeping properly but I am going to bed and getting some sleep, which is an improvement. I'm finding it hard to keep on top of everything that needs to be done and sometimes even the simplest thing seems like such huge deal. I get upset that I find life so fucking hard when to most people it seems like I have it easy. I get frustrated with myself for not being able to do everything I think I should be able to do. I have to keep telling myself that it's ok and that I am doing well. I know that it may take some time for my medication to reach its full effect. I also know that medication is only part of what I need to keep me well. I know I have done the right thing by getting my dog. She can't take away my symptoms. She can't "cure" me  anymore than medication can but she's definitely been great "therapy" so far. She's definitely playing a huge part in my recovery. She's definitely given me something to think about other than myself. She's definitely a friend already.