Daily Archives: April 6, 2014

A Month, A Lie

There’s no denying it — I’m ‘enjoying’ a depressive episode, and have been for a few weeks now. I’m thinking it’s been about two, and today? I’m trying to tell myself that it’ll only last a month and that I’m halfway through it, go me, etc.

Aah rationalizing, what would we do without it?

I know that this will pass when it passes, but I’m frustrated (to say the least). I also suspect that it’s a bit to the mixed episode side of life in spots, which… thanks brain, you’re a real douche? Take yesterday — I was having a badass, child-free vacation/staycation day (we can’t take our July holiday due to newborn, so we opted to squeeze in a weekend now). My hair is the ‘right’ colour again, I managed to epilate my armpits (mmm, painful xD), and all in all was just enjoying the crap out of myself. And then a friend asked an innocuous question and it was somehow incredibly triggering because it ‘forced’ me to admit to my number one insecurity. Hell, I’ll say it here, ’cause the damage is already done — I’m incredibly insecure about my intellect. I know that I’m smart, and that I’m smarter than some while being less smart than others. I’m fine with all of this. But it all ties into a lot of crap about my upbringing and how people treated me, and well. I don’t want to get into that right now, ha ha.

I ended up taking a 25mg Seroquel last night to shut up my brain, and get a good night of sleep. Part of my brain wants to punish me for that, but the rest of it is too relieved to put up with it. I don’t think anyone is going to deny me my home birth plans for 25mg of Seroquel once when I am not coping as well as I hoped to be. Having said that, I don’t know either. I don’t think I can make clear enough how completely unlikely it is for me to be able to have a healthy, non-surgical birth in a hospital environment. I accept I’ll have to be holed up there if/when the hysterectomy happens, but as the plan is to be there FOR surgery, and not for pushing a kid out, it doesn’t matter if I have a comatose nervous breakdown. I rate my chances of having one at about 100%, ’cause I know me and I know there’s way too much stimulus in that setting. But anyways, I should move on from that before my brain tries to catastrophize.

Still, when feeling down and hell, I can freakin’ taste my brain pumping out the bad chemicals, it’s good to take stock of things. This pregnancy is significantly harder on me physically than the last one. Physical pain aside, my chronic fatigue hasn’t been this severe since before I fell pregnant with Leah five years ago. I suspect that the endometriosis is actually being worsened by this pregnancy somehow, though I’ve not found anything ‘properly’ medical to justify this theory, just the experiences of other women who have said the same thing (which might be the best I find; endometriosis is woefully lacking in understanding). While I could probably keep my mood afloat if I wasn’t so fatigued, I could probably hold it together better. If I didn’t have bipolar, I could probably fly to the moon on ass rockets. *coughs* Which is to say I realize that playing ‘If I wasn’t’ is a horrible game with no winning, so I try not to. I just want to not be in such freaking intense mental and physical pain.

On the up shot, I’m a lot better at understanding some of the mood crap… yay? I’ve been making efforts as well to cut toxic people out of my life so that I’m not blowing resources I need to keep myself sane justifying my existence to people intent on denying my right to be. And in doing that, I’ve managed to make a lot of little breakthroughs in understanding ways that my brain is broken, which is flat-out awesome. Well, except for realizing that like, everything in the entirety of existence is triggering and I don’t know how to fix that, but. BUT. Understanding why is awesome, and gives me hope that I can fix those bits of brain wiring into something less ridiculous. Mind, now isn’t exactly the ideal time to be dealing with this level of brain-pickery, but life doesn’t exactly operate with convenience in mind, ha ha.

Anyways, this too shall pass. I know it, because that is the way of things. It might not go as fast as I want it to, but I can do my best every day to not let it bury me. :)

<3

The post A Month, A Lie appeared first on The Scarlet B.

Validation vs the "Wounded Healer"

I am jumping in way over my head here and will be gathering material from other sources, but I have recently been slammed between these two frames of reference:  'validation' as a driver for human behavior, and the concept of the "Wounded Healer."

From Wikipedia," Wounded healer is a term created by psychologist Carl Jung. The idea states that an analyst is compelled to treat patients because the analyst himself is "wounded". The idea may have Greek mythology origins. Research has shown that 73.9% of counselors and psychotherapists have experienced one or more wounding experiences leading to career choice."

Furthermore, the act of healing, heals the healer....what you would call a win-win situation.  A lot of my compatriots on a mental health forum site realize this concept comes into play quite often in the work they do, even though they are not technically "analysts."  They are more patient and kind with people who have mental health issues and that helping others makes them feel better...less ill themselves.  These forum posters were surprised to learn that there is actually a term for it.  

But, another concept was brought up on this forum, that of our need for "validation."  In fact, my son says there are only three drivers for human behavior:  chemical reaction, procreation, and validation.  I daresay 85% of what I do is driven by chemical reaction, particularly brain chemistry.  But, it is the validation part I am struggling with.  (I am too old to care about procreation.)  There is no virtue to validation.  It is simple neediness...a need for positive reinforcement.  Am I okay?  Did I do good?

It occurs to me that I am less of a 'wounded healer' and more of an insecure soul seeking validation.  I write this blog and post to the forum in order to do something constructive with my disorder.  Otherwise, what good is it? 
But then I wait for the rare comment.  I check throughout the day to see the number of page views rise.  I am emotionally dependent on validation.  And it makes me sick.  I am ashamed.

I once wrote a children's story about this very thing, about how the value and reward for an act of charity is diminished each time you regard it.  Have I lost that much ground?

The 'wounded healer' and the seeking of validation.  I do not think this is a case of either / or.  I believe there is great virtue in helping others and that your ability to heal others is a direct correlation of your having been wounded yourself.  However, I also feel that the benefit to one's psyche, the subsequent healing of oneself, is diminished if one's intent or interest is in validation.  If one can act, and then walk away without regard to receiving validation, then healing can happen.  Therefore, I would say to my son that there are FOUR drivers of human behavior:  chemical reaction, procreation, validation, and healing.


  

Validation vs the "Wounded Healer"

I am jumping in way over my head here and will be gathering material from other sources, but I have recently been slammed between these two frames of reference:  'validation' as a driver for human behavior, and the concept of the "Wounded Healer."

From Wikipedia," Wounded healer is a term created by psychologist Carl Jung. The idea states that an analyst is compelled to treat patients because the analyst himself is "wounded". The idea may have Greek mythology origins. Research has shown that 73.9% of counselors and psychotherapists have experienced one or more wounding experiences leading to career choice."

Furthermore, the act of healing, heals the healer....what you would call a win-win situation.  A lot of my compatriots on a mental health forum site realize this concept comes into play quite often in the work they do, even though they are not technically "analysts."  They are more patient and kind with people who have mental health issues and that helping others makes them feel better...less ill themselves.  These forum posters were surprised to learn that there is actually a term for it.  

But, another concept was brought up on this forum, that of our need for "validation."  In fact, my son says there are only three drivers for human behavior:  chemical reaction, procreation, and validation.  I daresay 85% of what I do is driven by chemical reaction, particularly brain chemistry.  But, it is the validation part I am struggling with.  (I am too old to care about procreation.)  There is no virtue to validation.  It is simple neediness...a need for positive reinforcement.  Am I okay?  Did I do good?

It occurs to me that I am less of a 'wounded healer' and more of an insecure soul seeking validation.  I write this blog and post to the forum in order to do something constructive with my disorder.  Otherwise, what good is it? 
But then I wait for the rare comment.  I check throughout the day to see the number of page views rise.  I am emotionally dependent on validation.  And it makes me sick.  I am ashamed.

I once wrote a children's story about this very thing, about how the value and reward for an act of charity is diminished each time you regard it.  Have I lost that much ground?

The 'wounded healer' and the seeking of validation.  I do not think this is a case of either / or.  I believe there is great virtue in helping others and that your ability to heal others is a direct correlation of your having been wounded yourself.  However, I also feel that the benefit to one's psyche, the subsequent healing of oneself, is diminished if one's intent or interest is in validation.  If one can act, and then walk away without regard to receiving validation, then healing can happen.  Therefore, I would say to my son that there are FOUR drivers of human behavior:  chemical reaction, procreation, validation, and healing.


  

Validation vs the "Wounded Healer"

I am jumping in way over my head here and will be gathering material from other sources, but I have recently been slammed between these two frames of reference:  'validation' as a driver for human behavior, and the concept of the "Wounded Healer."

From Wikipedia," Wounded healer is a term created by psychologist Carl Jung. The idea states that an analyst is compelled to treat patients because the analyst himself is "wounded". The idea may have Greek mythology origins. Research has shown that 73.9% of counselors and psychotherapists have experienced one or more wounding experiences leading to career choice."

Furthermore, the act of healing, heals the healer....what you would call a win-win situation.  A lot of my compatriots on a mental health forum site realize this concept comes into play quite often in the work they do, even though they are not technically "analysts."  They are more patient and kind with people who have mental health issues and that helping others makes them feel better...less ill themselves.  These forum posters were surprised to learn that there is actually a term for it.  

But, another concept was brought up on this forum, that of our need for "validation."  In fact, my son says there are only three drivers for human behavior:  chemical reaction, procreation, and validation.  I daresay 85% of what I do is driven by chemical reaction, particularly brain chemistry.  But, it is the validation part I am struggling with.  (I am too old to care about procreation.)  There is no virtue to validation.  It is simple neediness...a need for positive reinforcement.  Am I okay?  Did I do good?

It occurs to me that I am less of a 'wounded healer' and more of an insecure soul seeking validation.  I write this blog and post to the forum in order to do something constructive with my disorder.  Otherwise, what good is it? 
But then I wait for the rare comment.  I check throughout the day to see the number of page views rise.  I am emotionally dependent on validation.  And it makes me sick.  I am ashamed.

I once wrote a children's story about this very thing, about how the value and reward for an act of charity is diminished each time you regard it.  Have I lost that much ground?

The 'wounded healer' and the seeking of validation.  I do not think this is a case of either / or.  I believe there is great virtue in helping others and that your ability to heal others is a direct correlation of your having been wounded yourself.  However, I also feel that the benefit to one's psyche, the subsequent healing of oneself, is diminished if one's intent or interest is in validation.  If one can act, and then walk away without regard to receiving validation, then healing can happen.  Therefore, I would say to my son that there are FOUR drivers of human behavior:  chemical reaction, procreation, validation, and healing.


  

Validation vs the "Wounded Healer"

I am jumping in way over my head here and will be gathering material from other sources, but I have recently been slammed between these two frames of reference:  'validation' as a driver for human behavior, and the concept of the "Wounded Healer."

From Wikipedia," Wounded healer is a term created by psychologist Carl Jung. The idea states that an analyst is compelled to treat patients because the analyst himself is "wounded". The idea may have Greek mythology origins. Research has shown that 73.9% of counselors and psychotherapists have experienced one or more wounding experiences leading to career choice."

Furthermore, the act of healing, heals the healer....what you would call a win-win situation.  A lot of my compatriots on a mental health forum site realize this concept comes into play quite often in the work they do, even though they are not technically "analysts."  They are more patient and kind with people who have mental health issues and that helping others makes them feel better...less ill themselves.  These forum posters were surprised to learn that there is actually a term for it.  

But, another concept was brought up on this forum, that of our need for "validation."  In fact, my son says there are only three drivers for human behavior:  chemical reaction, procreation, and validation.  I daresay 85% of what I do is driven by chemical reaction, particularly brain chemistry.  But, it is the validation part I am struggling with.  (I am too old to care about procreation.)  There is no virtue to validation.  It is simple neediness...a need for positive reinforcement.  Am I okay?  Did I do good?

It occurs to me that I am less of a 'wounded healer' and more of an insecure soul seeking validation.  I write this blog and post to the forum in order to do something constructive with my disorder.  Otherwise, what good is it? 
But then I wait for the rare comment.  I check throughout the day to see the number of page views rise.  I am emotionally dependent on validation.  And it makes me sick.  I am ashamed.

I once wrote a children's story about this very thing, about how the value and reward for an act of charity is diminished each time you regard it.  Have I lost that much ground?

The 'wounded healer' and the seeking of validation.  I do not think this is a case of either / or.  I believe there is great virtue in helping others and that your ability to heal others is a direct correlation of your having been wounded yourself.  However, I also feel that the benefit to one's psyche, the subsequent healing of oneself, is diminished if one's intent or interest is in validation.  If one can act, and then walk away without regard to receiving validation, then healing can happen.  Therefore, I would say to my son that there are FOUR drivers of human behavior:  chemical reaction, procreation, validation, and healing.


  

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I have long prided myself on the fact that no one, ever in the history of my life, has called me a dumbass.

A smartass, yes; a pain in the ass, definitely. But never a dumbass……until now. And the one who thinks I’m a dumbass is ME.

Why? Because of the mush my mind has turned into since I got into all this mental health trouble. I’ve bitched about bipolar brain-fade before, but now that my intellectual abilities are being seriously challenged by my current job, I feel like I’m doomed because I can’t remember the billion-and-one steps every task seems to require. I’m okay in the office, where it’s quiet and there are few distractions so I can think, but I’m getting thrown to the wolves this upcoming week, and I’ve been pretty much put on notice that this is make-or-break time.

Nah, no pressure there. I’m going to be out there on assignment and have to remember what the trainers taught me about interviewing people, about carrying the laptop everywhere and how to use the software, about what to document and where to document it.  I want to see if I CAN do it, but to be honest…..I’m terrified. And my brain tends to vapor-lock when I’m terrified.

I’ve spent most of the past two weeks trying to learn and practicing the computer stuff so I don’t feel so unprepared this next time, and I’m just not getting it. I have managed to accomplish some of the objectives—yesterday I succeeded in importing the “kit” for this week’s survey to my laptop, and I was so proud of myself for doing it unassisted that I almost called my instructor to brag about it. I thought better of it, though, because that’s one of the easier maneuvers, and I should’ve been able to do it weeks ago.

This is without a doubt THE most incompetent I’ve ever felt in all my born days. Not even nursing school was this hard. I feel slow and clumsy and stupid, and that’s a gnarly emotional stew for me as it brings back awful memories of late elementary school, when I was slow and clumsy (although even I knew I wasn’t stupid….at least not then). In fact, I’m sure these feelings had a lot to do with my late unlamented mixed episode, and I don’t know quite how I’m going to remain stable if this is the way I’m going to feel—as I’ve been warned I will—for the next year or two.

But the worst thing is not knowing if it’s the job, or if it’s just me with my short-term memory deficits and my damaged brain and my meds. And I wonder, would I be able to thrive in an atmosphere where the work didn’t challenge me? Sometimes I dream of working in a little shop or a restaurant where I know all the locals and the only thing I have to worry about is giving them the correct change…..but then, I need SOMETHING to keep what’s left of my grey matter from rotting.

I just don’t think this is what the Maker of brains—bipolar or otherwise—had in mind when He issued mine. Guess we’ll find out soon, won’t we?