Daily Archives: April 3, 2014

Playing catch up

I am cooking supper.  I have probably mentioned before that my two children (24 and 26) live with me, work, and pay rent.  We all share the cooking duties but for the most part, I do the dishes and laundry.  Just now, I was carrying a load of laundry downstairs and was wondering, "Is this all I do anymore?"  I quit my part time job a few weeks ago and have been going through a pretty rough time emotionally.  I am not of a mind to paint or take pictures.  In fact, I got rid of most of my old art work. (That was a signal right there of bad times to come.)

So, I am not doing art work, I am not writing (except here), I am not working.  I am doing dishes, and laundry, and cooking.  Oh, and I drive my daughter to and from work.

Then it dawned on me...this is what I SHOULD have been doing 15-25 years ago when my children were young.  I had to work full time from the time my children were babies.  Their father left when my son was born so I had to do it all by myself.  I was un-diagnosed, therefore un-medicated, bipolar.  At its best, I hired friends to clean my house once a week and often bought fast food.  At its worst, every item of clothing we owned was being walked on, on the hall floor, waiting to be washed...waiting week after week after week.  We did not have any clean dishes but that was ok we did not have any food.  I am not sure what we ate.

It does not make up for a miserable childhood.  We talk about those days and I apologize and tell them I am sorry.  And maybe now I am trying to make up for lost time by keeping up with the laundry and dishes and fixing a decent supper.  I know it is not good enough.  I know it will not go deep enough.  But I will not grumble or ask why this is all I am inspired to do right now.  It is like a monastic practice: chop wood - carry water.  Perhaps, in time, enlightenment.


Playing catch up

I am cooking supper.  I have probably mentioned before that my two children (24 and 26) live with me, work, and pay rent.  We all share the cooking duties but for the most part, I do the dishes and laundry.  Just now, I was carrying a load of laundry downstairs and was wondering, "Is this all I do anymore?"  I quit my part time job a few weeks ago and have been going through a pretty rough time emotionally.  I am not of a mind to paint or take pictures.  In fact, I got rid of most of my old art work. (That was a signal right there of bad times to come.)

So, I am not doing art work, I am not writing (except here), I am not working.  I am doing dishes, and laundry, and cooking.  Oh, and I drive my daughter to and from work.

Then it dawned on me...this is what I SHOULD have been doing 15-25 years ago when my children were young.  I had to work full time from the time my children were babies.  Their father left when my son was born so I had to do it all by myself.  I was un-diagnosed, therefore un-medicated, bipolar.  At its best, I hired friends to clean my house once a week and often bought fast food.  At its worst, every item of clothing we owned was being walked on, on the hall floor, waiting to be washed...waiting week after week after week.  We did not have any clean dishes but that was ok we did not have any food.  I am not sure what we ate.

It does not make up for a miserable childhood.  We talk about those days and I apologize and tell them I am sorry.  And maybe now I am trying to make up for lost time by keeping up with the laundry and dishes and fixing a decent supper.  I know it is not good enough.  I know it will not go deep enough.  But I will not grumble or ask why this is all I am inspired to do right now.  It is like a monastic practice: chop wood - carry water.  Perhaps, in time, enlightenment.


The Verve ~ One Day

Once again a song says it better than I can: feeling very down today. One day maybe we will dance again Under fiery skies One day maybe you will love again Love that never dies One day maybe you will see the land Touch skin with sand You’ve been swimming in the lonely sea With […]

The Verve ~ One Day

Once again a song says it better than I can: feeling very down today. One day maybe we will dance again Under fiery skies One day maybe you will love again Love that never dies One day maybe you will see the land Touch skin with sand You’ve been swimming in the lonely sea With […]

Posting Weakly

Today I don’t feel like writing at all. It’s been a tough week.

Although I usually try to say something about mental health in general, bipolar disorder specifically, something relevant that caught my eye in the news, or a piece of my past that might be interesting or informative, today I can’t.

I’m very depressed. Or feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference.

There’s a convention in July that I would really, REALLY like to go to. I could see many friends, including one I haven’t seen in literally years and have been fearing I may not have the chance to again (maybe irrational thinking, maybe not). I would have intellectual stimulation, friend, parties, laughs, all sorts of fun available to me.

And I can’t go.

Some of the reasons are practical. We can’t afford it. My husband has to work. Driving that far and carrying luggage would trigger back pain and the walking required would rapidly exhaust me. If I went, I might well spend much of my time flat on my back in a hotel room, wiped out or communing with Vicodin.

The other reasons I can’t go have to do with my mental disorders. I barely leave the house as it is, except for doctor and therapist appointments. A day with a few simple errands uses up every spoon I have and sometimes the next day’s as well.

But mostly, it’s my over-sensitivity to the crowds and the noise. I can’t tolerate either one for more than a few minutes without a panic attack or a meltdown. Neither of which is pretty and neither of which would add to my enjoyment of the convention, or anyone else’s, for that matter.

I’m now thinking about all the things I can no longer do for physical or mental reasons. My therapist would tell me to look at how far I’ve come – all the things I can do now that I couldn’t do a few years ago, like write a blog and maintain a goal of posting weekly.

She’s right, of course, but for now I just need to go back to bed, and try again to accomplish something after a nap.


Keep the Sunny Side Up on Facebook

Do you avoid negative people because they bring you down? If so, you may want to avoid negative attitudes on Facebook as well. A recent study by the University of

The post Keep the Sunny Side Up on Facebook appeared first on Depression and Bipolar Disorder:.

Like Waves

In the last two days, there has been issues that have arisen around me that I can honestly say hasn’t affected me in the least.

It has been like waves rolling off my back and behind me. Is this me? Is this the meds? Have I finally understood the quote:

“Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn’t measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It’s not winning battles that makes you happy, but it’s how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.”
― C. JoyBell C

It seems like everything and everyone is trying to get a rise out of me, but every time something happens I hear ‘You catch more flies with honey than vinegar‘, and I shrug it off. Actually, I feel too tired to fight really. All my energy from being angrymadsad are lost. Lately I feel more like a robot. Sleep. Work. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.


Filed under: Ranting, Uplifting

The Post-Game Wrap-Up

Ahhh…….this is more like it. More predictable. More comprehensible. More me.

A full week has passed since my brain’s transmission shifted into Drive, and I couldn’t be happier. I didn’t realize how bad things really were until the past couple of days; was it really only three weeks ago that I was desperate to run away? And why, oh why, couldn’t I see what was happening to me and call Dr. Awesomesauce instead of enduring SIX WEEKS of that nonsense?

I know the answer to that, of course: because it was a mixed episode and I couldn’t find my way out of a paper bag, let alone a complex and confusing syndrome such as this. I knew something was terribly wrong but I couldn’t tell up from down, nor could I figure out what may have caused it. Which is hard to deal with when you’re as analytical as I am and you can’t put a finger on any one thing.

So now that it’s over, it seems like a good time to do a little Monday-morning quarterbacking and try to understand what happened. In retrospect, I think the extreme stress of that five-hour road trip in the worst weather conditions I’ve ever been in, followed swiftly by the auto accident that resulted in a broken toe, might have touched it off; trouble is, I labeled the whole shebang as “situational” without considering the fact that even situational mood swings still deserve treatment.

I kept telling everyone who voiced their concerns that you can’t medicate everything away, and I still believe that. But I guess you CAN medicate the part of it that belongs to your disease, because that’s what Dr. A did and it broke the damned thing’s back. It took over a week, and there were some pretty grim days in between; but when it started getting better, it got much better and now I’ve had a full week of normal without feeling so flattened emotionally. I get irritated at stupid drivers, I enjoy a good meal and the company of my grandkids, I can fully appreciate the beauty of nature, and even work isn’t quite as big a disaster as I thought.

It’s all good—the panic and the rapidly shifting moods are gone, and I’m still on the full dose of Zyprexa along with my other meds. (Dr. A never did call back to tell me to taper my dosage, so I think I’m safe in assuming I’m not supposed to.) Another lesson learned: never try to push through a serious mood episode without help, even if I do think it’s “situational”.

And that’s our post-game wrap-up, sports fans……thanks for listening.


Crawling in my skin

Another ‘don’t leave the lot” day. Being broke kind of makes that choice for you. People love to point out all the free places you can go. Yeah, if you have gas to get there. Walk, you say? 5 miles with a 4 year old who tires easily? I don’t think so. Plus we had thunderstorms all day so mother nature chimed in as well. Stay at home day.

I’ve been sleepy and narcoleptic and it feels like every part of me weighs a thousand pounds. If this is Paxil, I am breaking up the band. It’s been a week, if it doesn’t lift soon, it ain’t gonna. Being this tired makes me more depressed, how does an anti depressant even manage to make things worse. Oh, well, one more to add to the list of failed attempts so I can look like some freak who just likes popping pills that don’t even get me high and give me side effect hell.

I am crawling in my skin. That’s what it feels like. The anxiety has swooped in, wreaking havoc, and it’s manifested as paranoia and panic. Proof: I LOVE the X Files, bought season one and two on dvd last year. Used to love falling asleep to it. Now..I barely got through 4 episodes and the suspense of the bad guys being after Mulder and Scully got to me, I cried mercy. I don’t love X Files any less, I am just inclined to say now is not a good time for it.

And that’s what it boils down to for me. It’s about the frame of mind I am in. When I am well, I do well. When I am sick, I struggle. It ain’t rocket science. I am surrounded by all these people who’ve known me my whole life and see the pattern over and over yet always go, “What happened?You were doing so well and now you’re…” Yeah, now I am ass trash who can’t cope with a sneeze occurring at the same time as a hiccup, I know, I live it. Depression happened. I think it explains a lot of my mothering issues as well. I’m not in that strong mental place and my kid senses weakness and tries to exploit it. I in turn feel victimized for her being a normal sociopathic toddler. Though I think most kids are turned up to four and my kid is on eleven. Others have made the notation, as well. At my best, a high spirited kid is a fun challenge. At my worst where my juggling act is failing and she is pushing limits…It’s a trainwreck. Hopefully not a fatal one,though. I want to get back on track.

Just don’t know how. Everyone makes it seem so easy. Keep busy, exercise, play with your kid, do things you love, you’ll snap out of it. That ranks right up there with prayer as a cure for a condition that needs surgery. You are entitled to your faith, but my faith is in something more scientific. Like my chemicals are wonky and I need a medication to make them right. My perception taints everything and I can’t alter perception if my mind refuses to get out of gutterspace.

Tomorrow is direct deposit day, thus bill paying day. Normally, I am looking forward to it if only because I treat myself to a pack of smokes. Not this time. I don’t want to go out. We need things and still, I don’t want to be bothered. I can’t handle the stress. I haven’t had one of those dizzy panic spells since last week and now I have to go out and risk it. It’s not to be looked forward to.

My mind is just not right. I am also getting hives from my anxiety and even my own hair touching my skin feels like itching powder. How I wish I could just keep crawling..and get out of my own skin. Maybe find some skin that fits more comfortably or at least more consistently.

I also want a pet dragon so obviously, I’m a dreamer.


Backstabbers – The O’Jays

This is how I am feeling right now.

Who’s with me?


Filed under: Angry, Ranting