Daily Archives: April 1, 2014

Semper Fidelis Award

semperfiblog

Naked Nerves is honored to be nominated for the Semper Fidelis Award from Dr Rex at “It Is What It Is”. This is a relatively new award that is focused on loyalty and I can’t think of a more deserving person to receive this award than Dr Rex, or Horty as she goes by to her lucky friends. She is a model of a good blogger, writing interesting pieces of her own all the time and also re-blogging other pieces people have written that she feels should be shared. I’ve learned a lot from her and her posts and am very grateful for this knowledge and inspiration. I get new ideas and am made aware of things in our world that matter to me in her blog and it’s always helpful to me to read what she has to say. I especially appreciate that she posts other people’s stories as she helps so many of us become more exposed to a larger community thru her work. I’m one of those beneficiaries and it feels good to be recognized by her for my own work. I’ll do my best to be loyal to my readers and to the whole internet community with my writing as she does so well. I’m grateful to have her as a model and I encourage all of you to go to her site at: http://hrexach.wordpress.com/. I’m sure you’ll be as inspired at her loyalty to all her fans and to the world’s needs as I am. She really knows how to make people feel good about themselves and to share those good feelings with all of us. Thanks Dr Rex for this great award and for all your good work!

 

In the words of the Award Creator, Just Patty, at:

http://petitemagique.wordpress.com/

~~The Semper Fidelis Award~~

“I created this award because I wanted to do something special for my friends on WordPressSemper Fidelis is Latin and means Always Loyal.  Loyalty means the world to me.  I am very loyal myself, but I’ve got major trust issues as well.  And I think trust is very important if you are sharing so much of yourself with people you meet through the internet.  So I am working on that!

Why the wolves?  Because wolves have very strong ties with their pack.  Like a family or a great group of friends.  And I just love them!”

This award stands for the loyalty and love between friends.

I think this is a great thing to give an award for. Being loyal to one’s followers and to the folks who read our blogs is paramount to our success as bloggers if we have a goal of reaching out to the world as I do in Naked Nerves. I feel a delightful kinship with so many people on here thru the work I’ve done and the responses I’ve gotten from other people. I hope that my comments to others are as meaningful to them as theirs are to me. I’m always thrilled to see a new “like’ on my blog post or a comment especially. It’s good to get feedback that shows that we’re being true to our goals and intents in writing our blogs. Being loyal to the people who respond to you frequently or who have such worthwhile things to say to you is so wonderful. It makes blogging a precious way to interact with others and to keep up a dialogue with people you might never meet otherwise but have become true friends on WordPress thru our mutual blogs. My goal here is to show that loyalty I have for some of the people I have it for. I hope that folks will accept this award but know that the real intent here is just to let you know that I appreciate your loyalty to me and mine to you. If you’re on my list or if you’re not I’m grateful to you and thank you for your loyalty in your work – to me, to yourself, and to the whole blogging community. Thanks to all of you who have been reading this. I hope you’ll be back for more.

A brief note on wolves regarding myself. I used to study with a Native Medicine Man and received the name of White Wolf Walks Between, a very powerful and image laden name. I don’t tend to use it much anymore but it still resonates deeply with me and the plight of the wolves in our country really alarms me. I so hope that the wolf killing can stop and that the few packs we have can recover well and be regarded as essential parts of the Natural world, as they are. We don’t need to kill them. They were here first after all.. OK, enough of my connection with wolves. Back to the award…

Of course there are a few rules with this award, but they’re not too many and I think I can do them  I’ve listed them below just as Dr Rex has on her blog describing the award. I’ll do my best to live up to this award and to pay it forward.

THE RULES ARE

~~

Display the award logo on your blog.
Link back to the person who nominated you.
Nominate other bloggers for this award and link to them.
Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award requirements.

Well I’ve already done the first two of the rules so I’ll focus now on people who I think show Loyalty in their blogs. Just because I haven’t mentioned  you don’t think I didn’t mean to. I tried not to overwhelm anyone with too many of these awards and so I’m just doing a few people to try to spread it around some more. That’s a big part of these awards and it’s always meant as a compliment to you if you receive a nomination. You’re free to accept it or not as you see fit. I know some folks probably don’t accept awards but that’s OK. You still deserve it! I hope you’ll accept it but if not please do know that I still feel you do a great job of being loyal to your work and to your followers and that you are appreciated for this. So here’s a few folks I think show exceptional loyalty in their work with me, with others and with their work themselves.

The Nominees:

Brenda at: http://friendlyfairytales.com/

Robbie at: http://palmraeurbanpotager.com/

Jane Adams at: http://janeadamsart.wordpress.com/

Wild Thang! at: http://tlohuis.wordpress.com/

Owl of Knowledge at: http://owlofknowledge.com/

Dan Riegler at: http://apothecarysgarden.com/

One Anna 65 at: http://cancerkillingrecipe.wordpress.com/

All of these folks have been good friends to me and to the worlds that they have created in their own work. I encourage all you readers to visit these folks and I’m sure you’ll learn a lot by doing so. I certainly have. These are the folks who keep me happy here and make me feel connected. As I said there are many more that I could include but just didn’t do so because I was trying to stay in this site and not include my other blog. I like all these blogs a lot and have found them to be sources of true inspiration and joy. Read them and see if you don’t agree with me. I’m sure you will. Thanks to all of you loyal bloggers who make WordPress the great place of interactivity it is.  You all make this a great place to be and I thank you deeply and with profound thanksgiving. Together we can change the world with our writing. We’re all connected in this sharing of insight and information.

Peace and Love to you all,

Steve


Filed under: Awards, Bipolar, Relationships, Social Change Tagged: Awards, Bipolar, Invisible Illness, mental-health

Semper Fidelis Award

semperfiblog

Naked Nerves is honored to be nominated for the Semper Fidelis Award from Dr Rex at “It Is What It Is”. This is a relatively new award that is focused on loyalty and I can’t think of a more deserving person to receive this award than Dr Rex, or Horty as she goes by to her lucky friends. She is a model of a good blogger, writing interesting pieces of her own all the time and also re-blogging other pieces people have written that she feels should be shared. I’ve learned a lot from her and her posts and am very grateful for this knowledge and inspiration. I get new ideas and am made aware of things in our world that matter to me in her blog and it’s always helpful to me to read what she has to say. I especially appreciate that she posts other people’s stories as she helps so many of us become more exposed to a larger community thru her work. I’m one of those beneficiaries and it feels good to be recognized by her for my own work. I’ll do my best to be loyal to my readers and to the whole internet community with my writing as she does so well. I’m grateful to have her as a model and I encourage all of you to go to her site at: http://hrexach.wordpress.com/. I’m sure you’ll be as inspired at her loyalty to all her fans and to the world’s needs as I am. She really knows how to make people feel good about themselves and to share those good feelings with all of us. Thanks Dr Rex for this great award and for all your good work!

 

In the words of the Award Creator, Just Patty, at:

http://petitemagique.wordpress.com/

~~The Semper Fidelis Award~~

“I created this award because I wanted to do something special for my friends on WordPressSemper Fidelis is Latin and means Always Loyal.  Loyalty means the world to me.  I am very loyal myself, but I’ve got major trust issues as well.  And I think trust is very important if you are sharing so much of yourself with people you meet through the internet.  So I am working on that!

Why the wolves?  Because wolves have very strong ties with their pack.  Like a family or a great group of friends.  And I just love them!”

This award stands for the loyalty and love between friends.

I think this is a great thing to give an award for. Being loyal to one’s followers and to the folks who read our blogs is paramount to our success as bloggers if we have a goal of reaching out to the world as I do in Naked Nerves. I feel a delightful kinship with so many people on here thru the work I’ve done and the responses I’ve gotten from other people. I hope that my comments to others are as meaningful to them as theirs are to me. I’m always thrilled to see a new “like’ on my blog post or a comment especially. It’s good to get feedback that shows that we’re being true to our goals and intents in writing our blogs. Being loyal to the people who respond to you frequently or who have such worthwhile things to say to you is so wonderful. It makes blogging a precious way to interact with others and to keep up a dialogue with people you might never meet otherwise but have become true friends on WordPress thru our mutual blogs. My goal here is to show that loyalty I have for some of the people I have it for. I hope that folks will accept this award but know that the real intent here is just to let you know that I appreciate your loyalty to me and mine to you. If you’re on my list or if you’re not I’m grateful to you and thank you for your loyalty in your work – to me, to yourself, and to the whole blogging community. Thanks to all of you who have been reading this. I hope you’ll be back for more.

A brief note on wolves regarding myself. I used to study with a Native Medicine Man and received the name of White Wolf Walks Between, a very powerful and image laden name. I don’t tend to use it much anymore but it still resonates deeply with me and the plight of the wolves in our country really alarms me. I so hope that the wolf killing can stop and that the few packs we have can recover well and be regarded as essential parts of the Natural world, as they are. We don’t need to kill them. They were here first after all.. OK, enough of my connection with wolves. Back to the award…

Of course there are a few rules with this award, but they’re not too many and I think I can do them  I’ve listed them below just as Dr Rex has on her blog describing the award. I’ll do my best to live up to this award and to pay it forward.

THE RULES ARE

~~

Display the award logo on your blog.
Link back to the person who nominated you.
Nominate other bloggers for this award and link to them.
Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award requirements.

Well I’ve already done the first two of the rules so I’ll focus now on people who I think show Loyalty in their blogs. Just because I haven’t mentioned  you don’t think I didn’t mean to. I tried not to overwhelm anyone with too many of these awards and so I’m just doing a few people to try to spread it around some more. That’s a big part of these awards and it’s always meant as a compliment to you if you receive a nomination. You’re free to accept it or not as you see fit. I know some folks probably don’t accept awards but that’s OK. You still deserve it! I hope you’ll accept it but if not please do know that I still feel you do a great job of being loyal to your work and to your followers and that you are appreciated for this. So here’s a few folks I think show exceptional loyalty in their work with me, with others and with their work themselves.

The Nominees:

Brenda at: http://friendlyfairytales.com/

Robbie at: http://palmraeurbanpotager.com/

Jane Adams at: http://janeadamsart.wordpress.com/

Wild Thang! at: http://tlohuis.wordpress.com/

Owl of Knowledge at: http://owlofknowledge.com/

Dan Riegler at: http://apothecarysgarden.com/

One Anna 65 at: http://cancerkillingrecipe.wordpress.com/

All of these folks have been good friends to me and to the worlds that they have created in their own work. I encourage all you readers to visit these folks and I’m sure you’ll learn a lot by doing so. I certainly have. These are the folks who keep me happy here and make me feel connected. As I said there are many more that I could include but just didn’t do so because I was trying to stay in this site and not include my other blog. I like all these blogs a lot and have found them to be sources of true inspiration and joy. Read them and see if you don’t agree with me. I’m sure you will. Thanks to all of you loyal bloggers who make WordPress the great place of interactivity it is.  You all make this a great place to be and I thank you deeply and with profound thanksgiving. Together we can change the world with our writing. We’re all connected in this sharing of insight and information.

Peace and Love to you all,

Steve


Filed under: Awards, Bipolar, Relationships, Social Change Tagged: Awards, Bipolar, Invisible Illness, mental-health

Semper Fidelis Award

semperfiblog

Naked Nerves is honored to be nominated for the Semper Fidelis Award from Dr Rex at “It Is What It Is”. This is a relatively new award that is focused on loyalty and I can’t think of a more deserving person to receive this award than Dr Rex, or Horty as she goes by to her lucky friends. She is a model of a good blogger, writing interesting pieces of her own all the time and also re-blogging other pieces people have written that she feels should be shared. I’ve learned a lot from her and her posts and am very grateful for this knowledge and inspiration. I get new ideas and am made aware of things in our world that matter to me in her blog and it’s always helpful to me to read what she has to say. I especially appreciate that she posts other people’s stories as she helps so many of us become more exposed to a larger community thru her work. I’m one of those beneficiaries and it feels good to be recognized by her for my own work. I’ll do my best to be loyal to my readers and to the whole internet community with my writing as she does so well. I’m grateful to have her as a model and I encourage all of you to go to her site at: http://hrexach.wordpress.com/. I’m sure you’ll be as inspired at her loyalty to all her fans and to the world’s needs as I am. She really knows how to make people feel good about themselves and to share those good feelings with all of us. Thanks Dr Rex for this great award and for all your good work!

 

In the words of the Award Creator, Just Patty, at:

http://petitemagique.wordpress.com/

~~The Semper Fidelis Award~~

“I created this award because I wanted to do something special for my friends on WordPressSemper Fidelis is Latin and means Always Loyal.  Loyalty means the world to me.  I am very loyal myself, but I’ve got major trust issues as well.  And I think trust is very important if you are sharing so much of yourself with people you meet through the internet.  So I am working on that!

Why the wolves?  Because wolves have very strong ties with their pack.  Like a family or a great group of friends.  And I just love them!”

This award stands for the loyalty and love between friends.

I think this is a great thing to give an award for. Being loyal to one’s followers and to the folks who read our blogs is paramount to our success as bloggers if we have a goal of reaching out to the world as I do in Naked Nerves. I feel a delightful kinship with so many people on here thru the work I’ve done and the responses I’ve gotten from other people. I hope that my comments to others are as meaningful to them as theirs are to me. I’m always thrilled to see a new “like’ on my blog post or a comment especially. It’s good to get feedback that shows that we’re being true to our goals and intents in writing our blogs. Being loyal to the people who respond to you frequently or who have such worthwhile things to say to you is so wonderful. It makes blogging a precious way to interact with others and to keep up a dialogue with people you might never meet otherwise but have become true friends on WordPress thru our mutual blogs. My goal here is to show that loyalty I have for some of the people I have it for. I hope that folks will accept this award but know that the real intent here is just to let you know that I appreciate your loyalty to me and mine to you. If you’re on my list or if you’re not I’m grateful to you and thank you for your loyalty in your work – to me, to yourself, and to the whole blogging community. Thanks to all of you who have been reading this. I hope you’ll be back for more.

A brief note on wolves regarding myself. I used to study with a Native Medicine Man and received the name of White Wolf Walks Between, a very powerful and image laden name. I don’t tend to use it much anymore but it still resonates deeply with me and the plight of the wolves in our country really alarms me. I so hope that the wolf killing can stop and that the few packs we have can recover well and be regarded as essential parts of the Natural world, as they are. We don’t need to kill them. They were here first after all.. OK, enough of my connection with wolves. Back to the award…

Of course there are a few rules with this award, but they’re not too many and I think I can do them  I’ve listed them below just as Dr Rex has on her blog describing the award. I’ll do my best to live up to this award and to pay it forward.

THE RULES ARE

~~

Display the award logo on your blog.
Link back to the person who nominated you.
Nominate other bloggers for this award and link to them.
Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award requirements.

Well I’ve already done the first two of the rules so I’ll focus now on people who I think show Loyalty in their blogs. Just because I haven’t mentioned  you don’t think I didn’t mean to. I tried not to overwhelm anyone with too many of these awards and so I’m just doing a few people to try to spread it around some more. That’s a big part of these awards and it’s always meant as a compliment to you if you receive a nomination. You’re free to accept it or not as you see fit. I know some folks probably don’t accept awards but that’s OK. You still deserve it! I hope you’ll accept it but if not please do know that I still feel you do a great job of being loyal to your work and to your followers and that you are appreciated for this. So here’s a few folks I think show exceptional loyalty in their work with me, with others and with their work themselves.

The Nominees:

Brenda at: http://friendlyfairytales.com/

Robbie at: http://palmraeurbanpotager.com/

Jane Adams at: http://janeadamsart.wordpress.com/

Wild Thang! at: http://tlohuis.wordpress.com/

Owl of Knowledge at: http://owlofknowledge.com/

Dan Riegler at: http://apothecarysgarden.com/

One Anna 65 at: http://cancerkillingrecipe.wordpress.com/

All of these folks have been good friends to me and to the worlds that they have created in their own work. I encourage all you readers to visit these folks and I’m sure you’ll learn a lot by doing so. I certainly have. These are the folks who keep me happy here and make me feel connected. As I said there are many more that I could include but just didn’t do so because I was trying to stay in this site and not include my other blog. I like all these blogs a lot and have found them to be sources of true inspiration and joy. Read them and see if you don’t agree with me. I’m sure you will. Thanks to all of you loyal bloggers who make WordPress the great place of interactivity it is.  You all make this a great place to be and I thank you deeply and with profound thanksgiving. Together we can change the world with our writing. We’re all connected in this sharing of insight and information.

Peace and Love to you all,

Steve


Filed under: Awards, Bipolar, Relationships, Social Change Tagged: Awards, Bipolar, Invisible Illness, mental-health

Semper Fidelis Award

semperfiblog

Naked Nerves is honored to be nominated for the Semper Fidelis Award from Dr Rex at “It Is What It Is”. This is a relatively new award that is focused on loyalty and I can’t think of a more deserving person to receive this award than Dr Rex, or Horty as she goes by to her lucky friends. She is a model of a good blogger, writing interesting pieces of her own all the time and also re-blogging other pieces people have written that she feels should be shared. I’ve learned a lot from her and her posts and am very grateful for this knowledge and inspiration. I get new ideas and am made aware of things in our world that matter to me in her blog and it’s always helpful to me to read what she has to say. I especially appreciate that she posts other people’s stories as she helps so many of us become more exposed to a larger community thru her work. I’m one of those beneficiaries and it feels good to be recognized by her for my own work. I’ll do my best to be loyal to my readers and to the whole internet community with my writing as she does so well. I’m grateful to have her as a model and I encourage all of you to go to her site at: http://hrexach.wordpress.com/. I’m sure you’ll be as inspired at her loyalty to all her fans and to the world’s needs as I am. She really knows how to make people feel good about themselves and to share those good feelings with all of us. Thanks Dr Rex for this great award and for all your good work!

 

In the words of the Award Creator, Just Patty, at:

http://petitemagique.wordpress.com/

~~The Semper Fidelis Award~~

“I created this award because I wanted to do something special for my friends on WordPressSemper Fidelis is Latin and means Always Loyal.  Loyalty means the world to me.  I am very loyal myself, but I’ve got major trust issues as well.  And I think trust is very important if you are sharing so much of yourself with people you meet through the internet.  So I am working on that!

Why the wolves?  Because wolves have very strong ties with their pack.  Like a family or a great group of friends.  And I just love them!”

This award stands for the loyalty and love between friends.

I think this is a great thing to give an award for. Being loyal to one’s followers and to the folks who read our blogs is paramount to our success as bloggers if we have a goal of reaching out to the world as I do in Naked Nerves. I feel a delightful kinship with so many people on here thru the work I’ve done and the responses I’ve gotten from other people. I hope that my comments to others are as meaningful to them as theirs are to me. I’m always thrilled to see a new “like’ on my blog post or a comment especially. It’s good to get feedback that shows that we’re being true to our goals and intents in writing our blogs. Being loyal to the people who respond to you frequently or who have such worthwhile things to say to you is so wonderful. It makes blogging a precious way to interact with others and to keep up a dialogue with people you might never meet otherwise but have become true friends on WordPress thru our mutual blogs. My goal here is to show that loyalty I have for some of the people I have it for. I hope that folks will accept this award but know that the real intent here is just to let you know that I appreciate your loyalty to me and mine to you. If you’re on my list or if you’re not I’m grateful to you and thank you for your loyalty in your work – to me, to yourself, and to the whole blogging community. Thanks to all of you who have been reading this. I hope you’ll be back for more.

A brief note on wolves regarding myself. I used to study with a Native Medicine Man and received the name of White Wolf Walks Between, a very powerful and image laden name. I don’t tend to use it much anymore but it still resonates deeply with me and the plight of the wolves in our country really alarms me. I so hope that the wolf killing can stop and that the few packs we have can recover well and be regarded as essential parts of the Natural world, as they are. We don’t need to kill them. They were here first after all.. OK, enough of my connection with wolves. Back to the award…

Of course there are a few rules with this award, but they’re not too many and I think I can do them  I’ve listed them below just as Dr Rex has on her blog describing the award. I’ll do my best to live up to this award and to pay it forward.

THE RULES ARE

~~

Display the award logo on your blog.
Link back to the person who nominated you.
Nominate other bloggers for this award and link to them.
Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award requirements.

Well I’ve already done the first two of the rules so I’ll focus now on people who I think show Loyalty in their blogs. Just because I haven’t mentioned  you don’t think I didn’t mean to. I tried not to overwhelm anyone with too many of these awards and so I’m just doing a few people to try to spread it around some more. That’s a big part of these awards and it’s always meant as a compliment to you if you receive a nomination. You’re free to accept it or not as you see fit. I know some folks probably don’t accept awards but that’s OK. You still deserve it! I hope you’ll accept it but if not please do know that I still feel you do a great job of being loyal to your work and to your followers and that you are appreciated for this. So here’s a few folks I think show exceptional loyalty in their work with me, with others and with their work themselves.

The Nominees:

Brenda at: http://friendlyfairytales.com/

Robbie at: http://palmraeurbanpotager.com/

Jane Adams at: http://janeadamsart.wordpress.com/

Wild Thang! at: http://tlohuis.wordpress.com/

Owl of Knowledge at: http://owlofknowledge.com/

Dan Riegler at: http://apothecarysgarden.com/

One Anna 65 at: http://cancerkillingrecipe.wordpress.com/

All of these folks have been good friends to me and to the worlds that they have created in their own work. I encourage all you readers to visit these folks and I’m sure you’ll learn a lot by doing so. I certainly have. These are the folks who keep me happy here and make me feel connected. As I said there are many more that I could include but just didn’t do so because I was trying to stay in this site and not include my other blog. I like all these blogs a lot and have found them to be sources of true inspiration and joy. Read them and see if you don’t agree with me. I’m sure you will. Thanks to all of you loyal bloggers who make WordPress the great place of interactivity it is.  You all make this a great place to be and I thank you deeply and with profound thanksgiving. Together we can change the world with our writing. We’re all connected in this sharing of insight and information.

Peace and Love to you all,

Steve


Filed under: Awards, Bipolar, Relationships, Social Change Tagged: Awards, Bipolar, Invisible Illness, mental-health

Bipolar versus Life








Sunday was one of the most difficult days I've had in a long time. Even back on the meds I still can't sleep properly. My doctor agreed that Quetiapine is not right for me so prescribed Clonazepam instead. It's supposed to calm me and help me sleep. I did fall asleep quickly but woke at 3am and stayed awake. I feel very fragile. I feel panicky. I'm not hypomanic anymore. I feel so much calmer but I am tearful and scared about what may come. I know that whenever I've been hypomanic before it's usually followed by a crash. My mood plummets and before I know it I'm fighting depression. I couldn't go to my mums either because I couldn't trust myself to drive that far. I feel drained and I can't concentrate for that long. Short journeys are ok but even then it takes all my concentration. I'm trying to be positive but life just gets in the way. I feel like everyone is slowly abandoning me. Of course that's not true.
It's was also Mother's Day and yet again I never heard a word from my son. Not even a text. I haven't heard from him since his Birthday when he called me to ask if I was going to give him any birthday money. I knew he wanted it to buy heroin so I didn't give him any. We didn't fall out or argue over it but once I'd said no the conversation stopped. That was just over two months ago. I've tried to contact him since but he never answers his phone. If he can call when he wants something then why couldn't he have called on Sunday? I doubt I even crossed his mind and that really hurts. I read countless Mother's Day messages on Facebook and I wanted to be happy for people but I felt jealous and sad and devastated. Then I felt really guilty. The only comfort is the fact that I'm sure if he was in real trouble I would have heard somehow. I just wonder what goes through his mind. He must have known how upset I would be. Maybe he never gave me a thought. Maybe he's scared to contact me. Maybe he's ashamed. I worry that he's in such a mess that he just doesn't realise or care. I try to put him out of my mind but it's impossible.
I cried a lot but I do take comfort in the fact that I have such amazing support. It's the little things that people do that make such a huge difference . My best friend sent me a message with just kisses. Her son sent me a text saying he loved me. Another young friend texted me to say thankyou for being like a mother to her. Nothing can make up for the fact that my own son seems to have disappeared but knowing people genuinely care eases some of the pain.
I have to be sensible now and realise that it's going to take a bit of time to get myself back on a level. Meds don't work in an instant and having extra stress has a huge impact. I'm definitely better than I have been but I've got a fair way to go to get back into a "normal" routine. I'm trying to look on my experience of coming off meds as a positive thing. I tried and it didn't work but at least I now know I can't cope without and at least I have a better understanding of what moods and behaviours are caused by bipolar, what are the side effects of medication and what are just normal reactions to life. I think I would have inevitably done it at some point. I had the notion that maybe I'd turn out not to have bipolar at all but deep down knew that could never be possible. I think because of all the support I've had I'm getting through it without having done too much damage...I hope so anyway. I have bipolar disorder, I can't deny it and I have to manage it but at the end of the day I'm still me.

Bipolar Disorder and Creativity

A recent study by a joint effort of Lancaster University in the U.K. and Yale University in the U.S. is the first to link bipolar disorder with inspiration. For those

The post Bipolar Disorder and Creativity appeared first on Depression and Bipolar Disorder:.

I can’t have nice things

Back in the late 1990's, I bought a model car for myself.  It's about 6 inches long.  It's a blue 1996 BMW Z3 M Roadster.  The doors open, the steering wheel turns the wheels, the hood lifts to reveal the engine,  It's beautiful.  It has always made me happy to look at it.  It has sat on my desk for over 15 years.

For some reason last week, when I was desperate to find some reason to not do myself in, I thought about that little car.  There has always been a debate between me and my son as to whether it is a Z3 or an M style roadster.  As a distraction, I did a little research.  We were both right.  What's more, there were a few on Craigslist.  And then, I found it.  It was a 2000, not a 1996, but it was BLUE.

I avoided thinking about it for several days.  It was a ridiculous idea.  We are poor. We would become the stereotypical low income family living in a dump with a nice car in the yard.  I knew considering it is classic manic thinking. Even if I could find the money for the car, we need it to pay off debts and run a new sewer line.  Besides, I would probably kill myself in it.  Although, I had wanted to do that anyway, for a while I would have some fun. The debate went on for a few more days.

Finally, I decided to look at the obstacles.  Purchasing the little blue roadster would require borrowing at least half of the amount from the bank.  If they deny my request, decision made.  They didn't deny it.  They took my application and will get back to me in a day or two.  Maybe the car is no longer available.  I sent an email.  I got no response.  My son called.  The car is still available.  We made an offer contingent upon the loan.  They accepted it. I was happy.

Now, I have to tell you that my son has been involved in this search and debate process from the beginning.  He knows our financial situation and he also knows where I have been emotionally for the past several weeks.  He also knows about manic thinking.  But he saw this car as something that might help me, might bring me a little joy.  He remembers that this car has been sitting on my desk for 15 years.

Then all hell broke loose.  My daughter, the voice of reason, expressed herself with all the strength and vehemence imaginable.  I won't go into details but a huge fight ensued.  After my daughter went to her room, after we all took a breather, and the house got quiet, I broke down.  It was the first time I have cried for myself in years, full of gasps, gulps, and hiccups.  My son held me through the worst of it.  I cried several more times before I finally went to bed.

I know it was a classically stupid idea, but now I am afraid again.  I have nothing to look forward to.  I know my life is not as bad as a majority of the world's population, but for some reason I need for my life to make sense, and nothing so far has made sense.  Buying that blue 2000 Z3 M Roadster would have made sense of my holding on to that little model car for so long, for buying it in the first place.  I'm that desperate.

Lord, help me make it through this day.  I have to say no to myself.  I have to cancel the bank loan and tell the owner I am no longer interested.  And here come the tears...


Five Good Days

Yep, I’m on a roll. I’ve had five golden days of feeling blessedly normal, and believe me, that’s a miracle considering how rough the past couple of months have been. Two weeks ago I was talking crazy about packing up Will and the pets and lighting out for parts unknown; today I was able to write a professional- grade report on last week’s training activities (which goes in my employee file) and come up with several solutions to my difficulties at work.

At long last…..I think I’m OK. :-)

As promised, I left a message at Dr. A’s office this morning with a statement to that effect. I pretty much expected him to call back and advise me to taper the Zyprexa over the next week or two like we did the last time I was on it, but interestingly, he didn’t. He usually pulls me off the stuff as quickly as possible, but I suspect he wants me to be better for awhile before we talk about discontinuing it. I can’t say it’s a bad thing. We’re getting into the seasonal danger zone here, and it would be in EVERYONE’S best interests for me to have a good solid remission going before the warm, sunny weather arrives.

At the very least, it doesn’t look like the Z is going anywhere until my appointment on the 18th. In the meantime, I’m not putting on weight (thank goodness Lent intervened and I’ve been off sweets for several weeks) and I sleep like a baby most nights (no, that doesn’t mean I wake up every two hours and cry). See, I’ve even got my sense of humor back!

Honestly, this is a blessing from above. I did unusually well through December and January, but then it all fell apart again in February, and March was just hellish. I’d much rather deal with either mania or depression than these mixed moods, but of course if I had my druthers, I’d really rather not have any of it. It feels like I spend an awful lot of time either in a mood episode or recuperating from one, and sometimes it just wears me down to the point that I ask myself why I keep fighting when there just never seems to be an end to the madness. But all I have to do is glance at my dear husband, hear the voices of my children, or hug my grandsons to be reminded of why I must continue to fight the good fight no matter what.

Five good days, and tomorrow is looking pretty decent as well. I’ll take it. :-)